Why I Hate the F—ing Grocery Store!!
You Know What I Mean ...
If you’re like me, you dread going grocery shopping. It’s a nightmare.
Prisoners at Gitmo would spill their guts if you threatened them with a trip to the grocery store.
That family in the photo above are propaganda shills. No one smiles while grocery shopping.
No Such Thing as a Good Start
This fiasco always starts with the grocery cart. Stores have two sizes. Too big and too small.
If I get the small one stuff will be spilling out all over the place and the big one forces me to overspend.
Plus, I always get the Stephen King “Christine” cart. I’m sure it’s going to rip off a limb before I get out of the store.
It goes in all directions and has that rock in the wheel or a chip out so you’re going bang, bang, bang, down the aisle.
There’s always a sea of humanity following me into the store so not going to try stemming that tide to get another one.
I’m screwed.
The Aisles Are a War Zone
Speaking of the aisles — where it’s a retail demolition derby trying to battle other carts up and down the not wide enough aisles.
At one time the aisles were marked one way. To go down the aisle in the correct direction you had to make a left, go up the aisle then two more lefts to get something at the far end of the aisle.
I was forced to do the Michael Jackson Moonwalk to make it appear I wasn’t backing up the aisle.
Other Shoppers Are Out to Get You
When you find your aisle three things can happen.
One — there are always people standing in front of the items I so desperately need. They can’t decide between the Large Economy Size or the New and Improved.
“New and Improved?” Are they really using two words to describe the same thing If it’s improved wouldn’t that be new?
I guess new wouldn’t always be an improvement. And when did the new improvement take place — 1969? How long can companies use new and improved anyway?
Two — the store is out of what I want. There are dust bunnies on the shelf letting me know they’ve been out for a while.
Why are they out of my stuff? There never seems to be a shortage of Lice Treatment. That section is always packed full.
Three — since they’re out of my stuff I’m forced to pick something similar in either the Large Economy Size or the New and Improved.
The Checkout Process
Most stores have a choice. Self-Serve Checkout or human being checkout. Both are a nightmare.
In the human checkout I really appreciate the plastic partition between the checker and me.
As they put their I have no idea where those hands have been all over my Cream of Wheat and bruised oranges.
Since I’m an old person I’m expected to say something I think is hilarious to the female checkers like, “Hey, Are you checkin’ me out?”
That cracks me up. They look at me like I’m the landlord who just changed the locks to their apartment.
They always ask the hardest questions. Paper or Plastic? Decisions, decisions. Pollute the land fill or kill a tree? I can never decide.
“Can I get half and half please?”
The Self-Serve Nightmare
Technology and I are mortal enemies. I scan something and nothing happens. I scan it again
then the screen says two of them.
I have to get someone. You could have two birthdays waiting for someone making just over minimum wage to get there.
How do I know if the thing is ringing up the right prices? Am I expected to remember the price of every item? Maybe four doughnuts really cost $12.
How do I know what kind of apples these are? Geez.
They might be organic. That crap always costs more. And why?
The regular produce has Russian fertilizer and sprays for every possible bug plus two covid shots and a booster.
The organic produce with none of that should be cheaper.
And I always forget to get the last bag. I leave and there are always the most critical items, the whole reason I went to the store in the first place — left behind.
Some Final Thoughts
No matter where I park the nearest cart return is just barely in sight.
I’m convinced they relocate then while I’m in the store. One of the bags is bound to break before putting it in the car.
And the apples always roll to the exact center of the underneath of the car.
I would buy online and just pick my grocery’s up, but they always give me the new and improved stuff instead of the old unimproved.
Grocery shopping for me ranks right up there with the root canal or having your wife’s’ cousin fix your car.
It’s never a good idea. Maybe the government would loan me one of those Gitmo guys.
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About the Creator
Thomas Egelhoff
Author, Radio Talk Show Host, blogger, YouTuber, Vietnam Vet, half-fast guitar player, average cook, and a really nice guy. I read all my articles; you should too and subscribe. Thanks very much.
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