Who Am I?

I have only recently began sharing stories about my life, I suppose it took nearly forty-five years for me to over-come the timidity and uncertainty of speaking out.

You have challenged me to tell you which moment of my life changed everything. - Which moment defined who I am and brought about the woman that I have become? I will honestly tell you that it was a combination of many moments, both deplorable and wondrous.

However, the moment which left me inarticulated and tongue-tied... The moment that made me ask "Who Am I?" only recently transpired. I wasn't even sure who I was or where I came from. But the one thing that I did learn was that I have certainly lived a life of lies, and I may never find true and honest answers. - undoubtedly and unquestionably my life was forever changed.

Looking back on my life - all the way back to the very first memory that I am capable of reproducing, my mother was both physically and mentally abusive. I never understood - "Why did she so obviously dislike me?"

So many times she would tell me that I was a mistake and that I had ruined her life. She even went on to tell me that she hated me. These words are absolutely gut-wrenching for a child to hear from their very own mother.

I have so many scars burned into my mind, body and soul but I assure you that the deepest ones came from the mental abuse more than the physical aspect. The abuse didn't end when I grew up, it didn't even stop once I got married and had children of my own. To be perfectly candid and honest, it still goes on.

I have suffered from depression that left me bedridden. Combing my own hair was just too much of a chore and walking through the house was exhausting and expending. If the phone rang I would fall into a complete panic. If somebody knocked on the door, I was overtaken with anxiety and dread.

Thankfully when it became so nefarious and wretched that I began having suicidal thoughts I was capable of seeing and recognizing my abnormal state and sought help from my doctor.

I began to remember specific events from my life, things that had been said, conversations that I had over-heard but never understood. How certain gestures and words would send my mother into a mad-rage. Most importantly, the things that she would say to me when she was angry.

I was a forty-year old woman, still suffering and enduring the pain from my childhood. But, I was also smarter and more vigilant, and I was putting the pieces of a puzzle together - A puzzle that I didn't even know exsisted or not. Could it be real or was I just imagining the answers that I so desperately needed to know?

The things that I knew for certain was:

• My dad had always been a ladies man and even as a child I knew that he had several affairs.

• My mother couldn't have children, I recall hearing stories about how hard that she had tried unsuccessfully. I was only five years old when she almost died and had a complete, emergency hysterectomy.

• The way that she would look at me with complete disgust in her eyes and tell me that she hated me.

• I was named after one of my dad's girlfriends. (Rebecca Lynn) in fact he was with this woman on the day that my mother "supposedly" went into labor.

• My parents had tried to adopt a child before I came along.

• My mother absolutely despised the relationship that I had with my dad and would often do and say things to make him angry with me.

• There are no photo's of my mother being pregnant.

• There are no photo's of me and her together in the hospital, aside one and she was completely dressed, even her hair was in perfect place.

• My mother's name is not on my birth certificate. Not a unique situation at all, many states issue what are know as "short form" birth certificates that contain minimal information. I have tried to obtain a "long version" but the state of Kentucky has told me that it does not exist!

• My birth certificate always did look peculiar and I was told that it was "a special version".

• I have studied and searched and even made phone calls only to be told the exact same thing. "45 years ago birth certificates didn't require the same extensive information as they do today, and unless an official adoption took place, it would be near impossible to proove anything different."

• A few years ago, before she died my aunt told me that she needed to sit down and have a long, personal converation with me, however, it never happened.

• My dad's girlfriend "Rebecca" only had one child, a daughter that she didn't raise. I was able to track her down to Middlesboro Kentucky "where I was born" but unfortunately she passed away seven years ago.

It was devastating! I had been lied to and it felt like everyone else was in on it! Within a split second my life had changed. Who am I? Was this woman who had mistreated me for my entire life even my real mother? I was feeling a confusing mixture of relief and pure anger. How could I live for forty something years and not even know who I really am?

Is this why my mother hates me so much? Could this be why she has made my life nearly unbearable for as long as I can remember?

- Was this what my aunt was wanting to tell me?

I reached out to relatives from my dad's family (the ones left who would know) yet none of them ever saw my mother when she was pregnant with me although some of them do remember Rebecca. I have since found marriage records proving that my dad was married to Rebecca for a short time before he was married to my mother.

Apparently she was much younger than he was. I am told that she came from a very proper, well-off family who never approved of my father. In fact, that same family still owns a rock company in Middlesboro, the same company that my father worked for when I was born. I called the company and found out that only nieces and nephews operate the business now and they had no information for me.

But they did send me a photograph of her.

I NEVER KNEW THIS! - So I am named after his ex-wife. Was she my mother? Was they having an affair after he married my "mom"...did she just hand me over and give me away possibly because of her disapproving family?

What am I to think? The pieces all fit together, it all makes sense. Unfortunately the only people who knew for certain have all passed away, including my father. My "mother" will never tell me the truth...I dare not even ask, furthermore we don't even speak to each other anymore.

The fact is unavoidable and unescapable, I may never know exactly who I am, and at forty-five years old my life has certainly changed forever. This is one of those situations that completely and wholly changes life even if the information and findings are not exactly lucent.

When you don't know who you are

You have no choice but to stand up

And be who you deserve to be!