Umibe

My dad and I don't have the best relationship. I barely know the man past a few hours watching him surf on the beaches of California. I guess he was living his dream somehow. I was shocked when I heard that my grandma used to leave him all by himself as a child at the beach with a little sack-lunch; Just left him, all by himself. I wonder if he was scared or if he was just a naturally confident kid? He used to ride horses bareback and run a muck on his street so, I would like to think of him as not knowing fear during that time.

As his daughter, I only know cowardice. I feel afraid constantly and don't know how to be alone completely. I haven't moved from my town in quite a while. I haven't left my room in longer. Though I do emulate it in my own way. Being digitally inclined, I sort of surf my own waves. I am constantly online looking for good ideas and trying to build my projects. I am always searching for answers to all of my questions, but today I find myself with nothing in my mind...

I am in a similar place, a similar project I find myself in. I am excited and getting people involved, but something feels lacking. What am I missing.. What has left me in the past that I don't have now? I need to leave my house I know, but I just don't feel connected to people... But more importantly, why did my grandma leave him alone?

Ah, when was her birthday again? I remember my grandpa's but I am having a hard time remembering hers. I could ask my aunt on, but I am not really close to her... I could reach out to my dad, but I don't want him to feel sad if he can't remember either. It's his mom though, right? Remembering that sort of thing would make sense, right? The picture of her on the bathroom mirror at his house last time I visited must of meant something. You didn't forget when your mother was born? Please tell me you're not still consumed with her death. I think these things privately, still fearing the answer.

Perhaps I am too rash, maybe that is something that we had in common. Learning patience might pay off for me. I am trying to be patient and time things well, but if feels like sand slipping through my fingers. I need to know where she is in my mind, where can she rest or lay. I feel like I don't know who she was at all, but I have memories. Remembering the nooks and cranies of the horse stables, the shop she worked at by the pier, onion rings and shirely temples. I have those, maybe.. maybe that's enough for now.

Maybe one day, next time I am feeling the need for validation. When I can't see the forest for the trees and know that some thins are beautiful in the rain. In a delayed memory wiped out of existence.

I finally mustered up the courage to ask him.. just a facebook messenger text, but it was a lot even for that. When I get my reply, I would like to think that I have surfed the waves of this turbulent relationship enough to accept the answer either way. I know that he almost might surprise me with the same thing: " I love you, I regret not being there for you. I am sorry. "

Dad, I know. I know...