The silent heartbreak from divorce

I was going through my Facebook page and looking at pictures of my husband and myself. These give me comfort as he passed away recently. I also noticed photos of my daughter and her husband when they were very young and a realization came to mind. If I share my photos from time to time this will be accepted because I am a widow. Those who divorced through no fault of their own are expected to move on and act like the past never happened. If my daughter or any other divorcee continued to share photos of themselves with an ex, people would think they were crazy but their past is as valid as that of those whose spouse has passed away.

The woman or man who did not want their marriage to break up may still have feelings for the husband or wife who walked out. They are hurting just as much as someone whose life partner died. Unlike a widow or widower, a divorcee is expected to quickly pick up the pieces and move forward. I cannot even imagine not being able to look at or share my pictures I took with my husband. A man or woman whose spouse walked out on them, however, would be considered as holding on to the past and encouraged to just let it go.

As I reflected on the photos of my daughter and her the boyfriend dressed up for school dances and the prom, I realized that no one expects her or anyone else in that situation to hold on to what they once had. The point I am making is that those whose marriages end are not allowed by society to grieve except to show disdain or prove they have moved on. Divorce is indeed the death of a marriage even though both parties are still living. The difference is no one will look at me strangely if I continue to wear my wedding rings for years to come.

If a man leaves his wife and remarries, his ex would be considered as abnormal to keep her wedding rings on her fingers. These were a part of her life and history and she should not be expected to turn off her feelings like a water spout. Well meaning people may say "good riddance" and wish the hurting party a better future, but that will not ease the pain. There is an empathy for widows or widowers that is not extended to those who have divorced and they actually need more support.

A spouse that has passed away can live on in memories but many men and women must continue to deal with a husband or wife who did them wrong in the flesh. I cannot even imagine having to see the person you took vows with remarrying and have children with someone else. They go on with their life as if the first marriage meant nothing, It would be juvenile to believe that every person whose ex left them has gotten over it. This is a pain they must bear in silence because society has no place for them.

Each situation is different and sometimes both spouses move on and co-parent without a problem. Even so, if truth be told there are a lot of hurting men and women out there with nowhere to turn. I know that in time I will be expected to move along and not feel so much pain regarding my husband's death. At least there is an understanding within society when a spouse dies that is not given when one walks away. Never again will I tell anyone they are better off without the husband or wife who did them wrong. They might smile on the outside and agree but inside they are deeply wounded.

Cleaning a home and throwing out momentos of a marriage that did not work is no less painful than clearing out the memories when a husband or wife dies. You are erasing a part of your past that you believed would continue into the future. For every man and woman who has suffered in silence after divorce because they had nowhere to turn, I salute you today for your strength. You have been trying to do what Nat King Cole sang about and it is commendable.

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear maybe ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile- what's the use of crying

You'll find that life is still worth while

If you just smile

Oh that's the time you must keep on trying

Smile what's the use of crying

You'll find that life is still worth while

If you just smile.

No one wants anyone else to know they are grieving an ex, especially if he or she was abusive or has remarried. This is so unfair because the marriage has ended but feelings do not go away overnight. Keep this in mind the next time you encounter someone whose relationship is over. The love does not automatically go away any more than it does when a husband or wife dies.