The Negative Effects of a Toxic Divorce on a Child

Have you ever wondered what the negative effects of a broken marriage can do to a child?

In my case, I was the child, and to tell you the truth, it was nothing short of traumatizing. First off, now as a young adult, I want to begin by saying I currently have a great and amazing relationship with both my parents and thankfully, I more or less healed from the associated trauma.

But it wasn’t always so.

My parents broke up while I was just starting to hit puberty at the awkward age of 12. I had grown up in a higher-middle-class home with all sorts of privileges that involved having rich neighbours with private airstrips and Lamborghinis. My father was the breadwinner while my mother spent most of her time taking care of my sisters and me. Our lives included many weekends at dance competitions and hockey tournaments.

My childhood was honestly pretty great apart from having to deal with an anger-driven, narcissistic father who lost patience at the snap of a finger. As long as you didn’t piss off dad, everything was fine. Except dad got very tired and tired rage-monsters are hard to avoid.

My mother finally told my older sister and me in advance that she was separating from my dad. I was obviously shocked. I still remember feeling shattered inside because quite honestly my whole conception of marriage and love was false or felt false at least. It felt like my whole being was a lie because my parents didn’t love each other anymore.

It took more than a few nights to mourn something like that and dear God I wept.

When my parents officially delivered the news a month later, I was already okay with it. It was now time for my little sister’s world to get rocked. She didn’t understand how I wasn’t emotional about it. Sadly, I couldn’t tell her I already knew because my mother told me not to tell my father and if I had told my little sister she would have spilled the beans.

With the secrets came the manipulation and the deceit.

The best comparison I have is the tracker-jacker venom from Hunger Games. And that's not even a joke.

Your perceptions of your childhood are so fragile, all it takes is the real but differing perspectives of the resentful mother and the heartbroken father to set it astray.

To say my parents had a rough separation would be an understatement. This was a certified shitshow brought to you in part by the Seven Deadly Sins. And even now, I shake my head at their past behaviour.

Calling the cops which lead to getting interrogated by the police as a child. The never-ending money and court disputes between parents which sadly got us, the children, involved whether we liked it or not.

My mother told everyone in the community that my father was abusive, and it was true. Now I had to deal with the fact that everybody knew and asked about it because I still lived with him half the time.

My narcissistic father was obviously hurt so what did he do? Feed into more lies and essentially downplay or change the stories that my mother told.

If only he’d admitted to it, it would have avoided a lot of pain.

Unfortunately, that takes courage and humility, something my father lacks. Instead, everything amplified as he tried to sell us lies.

There are two sides to every story.

For my own sanity, I had to take a step back from both. I had to find mentors to help me live through those moments.

My mother did many wrongs, but the truth of the matter was that my father committed so much more.

The child in me hurts still.

I had to stand up to my father quite young for him to respect me.

I had to call him out for his lies.

I had to cry and be vulnerable to him and show him how much he hurt me for him to let me go.

I had to play his own game of manipulation against him to show him the easy outs of different tactics he used to try and convince us of his views.

I had to mature faster and admit my mistakes to him to prove I was willing to compromise when he clearly wasn’t.

I had to be the bigger man at age 16. It feels cruel to think that’s how much it took and even now, I still doubt that he’s aware of much of the consequences of his actions.

But it is what it is.

With time I’ve learned to forgive both my parents because I can’t afford to hold on.

My beautiful mother did do what she thought was best for us and I see and appreciate that. Thankfully she has found happiness with my stepfather who has taught me more with his actions than he knows.

My father has many faults, but I believe he has grown more in the past 5 years than the entirety of his 16-year marriage with my mother.

I see him as he is and that helps me deal with him. I never expect anything in return and have made it my mission to never rely on both parents financially because quite frankly I don’t want to be the reason for any more disputes.

My sisters still struggle with forgiveness, and I don’t blame them at all whatsoever. We were the aftermath of a childish separation that was selfish in nature.

So please if you’re reading this, and you’re thinking about divorcing or separating from your partner, I’m sure you have your reasons. All I want to say is your children will be affected by how YOU choose to behave during the procedure. That’s on both parents.