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Tea

Happier on the other side

By Jenn KimPublished 2 months ago 3 min read
28

“I just think it’s best if we…” your words stopped but your hands finished the sentence, each moving in opposite directions. My mind finally caught up to what my heart already understood.

“You…you want a divorce?” I asked, a lump forming in my throat.

“I just think it’s best. Better now that she’s young. Better now than later, right?”

I stared at the vase of flowers on the table, given to me less than a week earlier for our five-year anniversary. They had shriveled up and died within two days. Mom always said flowers given from love will always bloom the longest. A small part of me almost laughed at the obviousness of what I didn’t see coming.

My tea was getting cold in front of me. You had made it in our matching mugs while I put K to bed, and I found it sitting there waiting, with you. As if tea could dull the forthcoming knife-like confession. A parsimonious offering of chamomile to quell a hurricane. I would never drink tea again, I swore.

If there are stages of a reluctant uncoupling, I unknowingly tried them all.

“You don’t want to try counseling? You don’t even want to try?” The sound of my own pleading disgusted me, but I was consumed with desperation. I could see nothing beyond the familiar fear of abandonment.

“I’ve been trying. For a year.”

A year.

K had just turned one. So, for my entire postpartum season…

I dug my nails into my palms. My heart was racing and I felt lightheaded. My mind was grasping for something, anything to make sense or escape this. The shame and embarrassment I felt compounded into otherworldly grief. I could only see myself to blame. My body, my depression, my inability to host a healthy work-life balance all became targets in rapid succession.

I reflexively searched your face to find comfort, like I had done for so long. I found none. I only saw relief. As if the weight you had been carrying was finally lifted from you. And I envied you, because a significant heaviness just made its home in my mind.

That night I came apart, shattered on the bathroom floor. And when I asked the vast and empty space around me,“Why doesn’t he want me?” I was once again 8, and 19, and 25, and now 35, wondering why they never stay. Space and all of my years bent and twisted, and each abandonment was happening in real time. Attempting to contain that torrent of grief seemed impossible. I thought I would dissolve into nothing. I wanted to dissolve into nothing.

I eventually gathered my raw and mentally half-beaten self up off of the floor, collected my mind and found my way to your side. Your cherubic face illuminated by the faint moonlight. You stirred as I lay down, reaching for me in your sleep, and my heart and spirit reached back, a layer of grit forming slowly. You needed me to be strong, and forge ahead. I kissed your soft head and felt tears forming. For you, I knew I could.

——————

My tea sits steaming in my favorite mug, and I’m brought back from that memory by your happy shrieks. I watch you jumping on the couch.

“Mom, look how high I’m jumping!” you yell out in that sing-song way.

“Wow, I see that!” I reply, laughing.

You run over and climb in my lap. You’re getting so big and changing every day, and our bond is stronger than anything I’ve known.

You peer in my mug and ask me what I’m drinking.

“It’s just tea.” I smile and take a sip.

It’s still warm. I’m still here.

childrendivorcedgriefparents
28

About the Creator

Jenn Kim

Mother and artist. On a journey of self-discovery through art.

Reader insights

Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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  1. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

  2. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

  3. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  1. Eye opening

    Niche topic & fresh perspectives

  2. Masterful proofreading

    Zero grammar & spelling mistakes

  3. On-point and relevant

    Writing reflected the title & theme

  4. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

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    Arguments were carefully researched and presented

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Comments (12)

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  • Dhawy Febrianti13 days ago

    I can feel the emotion in each words. Well done! Your work has touched people’s soul!

  • Kim2 months ago

    So powerful ❤️

  • Zachery2 months ago

    Thanks for the info I will try to figure it out for more. https://www.myccpay.app/

  • Miss E W2 months ago

    Poignant and beautiful

  • Sims Locklear2 months ago

    “I reflexively searched your face to find comfort, like I had done for so long. I found none.” You painted that moment with such precision. The whole vignette was beautiful but this paragraph just hit different. The difference between works and works of art is care. I can tell you put a lot into this. Thank you for the read

  • Annelise Lords2 months ago

    Told you that you would. Lol. Love it. It seems so real, I can feel your emotions. Damn good writer you are. Lol

  • Annelise Lords2 months ago

    I would never drink tea again, I swore. That's anger and regret speaking. You will drink tea again.

  • Annelise Lords2 months ago

    They had shriveled up and died within two days. Mom always said flowers given from love will always bloom the longest. Damn, really?

  • Moe Radosevich2 months ago

    uplifting sadness, awesome work

  • This comment has been deleted

  • Hannah Moore2 months ago

    Really nicely written, and such a powerful reminder that resilience is a process, not an immediate response.

  • Poppy the Poet2 months ago

    This is so so beautiful and sad and inspiring. I was captivated the whole way through.

  • This comment has been deleted

  • Julie Shetler2 months ago

    Wow, this is really well written. Good job!

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