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Strategies that Allow You to Remain the Adult in the Room

Parenting Strategies that Stop the Arguments

By Brenda MahlerPublished 4 years ago Updated 3 years ago 6 min read
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Strategies that Allow You to Remain the Adult in the Room
Photo by Lewis Roberts on Unsplash

All parents should take a class in Love and Logic. It provides basic, easily implemented skills to stop a child dead in their tracks, especially teens. My husband and I are both educators; we enrolled and attended a week-long training and walked away with the necessary skills we needed to torment any teen. As we practiced them with our daughter at home, we knew they were working when she raised her voice to rant, “I hate it when you take those classes!” and proceeded to stomp out of the room.

All kids, at least any I have met, live for the argument. I suppose it is a right of passage as they assert their independence. Usually, the process starts at the age of three and continues until the child moves out of the house — that’s the moment a kid admits they need you, the parent, in their life. Prior to that, they are in denial and probably would not confess to needing assistance if they didn’t need financial support, the wash done, or bail money.

Go Brain Dead

Going brain dead is the easiest skill to master and implement. It provides parents strategies to eliminate the argument. Six responses are all you need to avoid an argument and when used correctly, confuse and unbalance a child so they abandon the challenge and walk away.

  • I know.
  • Nice try.
  • Could be.
  • So . . . What did I say?
  • I respect you too much to argue.
  • I bet it feels that way.

By witnessing them in action, the concept becomes evident. When a child challenges your authority try this.

Child — I don’t want to go to bed. Can I stay up longer?

Parent — No. Time for bed.

Child — You’re mean!

Parent — I know

Child — That’s not fair.

Parent — I bet it feels that way.

Child — But I don’t want to go to bed.

Parent — So . . . What did I say?

Child — You and Dad just want time to yourselves.

Parent — Could be.

Child — Please, just a little longer?

Parent — I love you too much to argue.

Often an argument stems from the belief that the parents’ rules and expectations should have reasons; they don’t. Youth gain control when they pull the adult into a conversation demanding an explanation. Be careful. Don’t go there. They want to challenge your decision. Going brain dead and responding with simple phrases eliminates the risk of getting caught in the snares of an argument.

Delay Consequences

Unfortunately, all children get in trouble. Don’t think your kids are unique; it is natural for them to push boundaries.

We all hate the unknown. The waiting, the anticipation of what might happen is worse than the actual punishment. The old saying, “Wait until your father gets home,” gained its power not because Dad would impose stricter punishment, it was the waiting that caused distress. Also, giving immediate consequences has two drawbacks. First, it provides another decision the child can argue. Second, you don’t get time to plan the perfect punishment.

The Love and Logic response is to provide this statement and walk away.

“Oh, no. This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this! But not now, later. Try not to worry about it.”

And remember, once this is said, walk away.

Empathy

Empathy provides a response that is understanding and sympathetic. Even on the worst days, we still love our children. So, don’t be afraid to show your compassion. It is difficult to be angry with an empathetic response. When a child complains or refutes your demands try these:

Child — Everyone is going to the party. I will be the only one from school not there.

Parent — That is so sad.

Child — I don’t have time to clean my room. I told the guys I would meet the at the ballpark.

Parent — Bummer.

Child — I can’t do the homework because the teacher didn’t explain how to find the answer.

Parent — That must be really hard.

But be careful because there is a fine line between showing empathy and sarcasm. I know because I have crossed it, but practice makes perfect.

Recovery

Nobody enjoys being challenged or losing an argument. In fact, sometimes conflict can be the catalyst to instigate another battle. So, provide recovery time for the child by sending them away. (No, not to a military school or your aunt’s in Nebraska.)

Allow them (and you) to calm down with a timeout in the bedroom, a different area of the building, or say the conversation will continue after school. This allows emotions to deescalate before continuing the conversation, thereby creating the opportunity for more rational thinking.

Enforceable Statements

To often, when tempers flare, people make threats that are not enforceable. None of us like to admit it, but we have all seen other parents do this. A child starts crying in the store, so the mom says, “If you do not stop crying, I am going to leave you.” When the child throws herself down on the ground, screams and kicks, the mother walks around the corner. When the behavior doesn’t change the mother returns to retrieve what they’ve left behind.

Place some phrases in your repertoire to fall back on in heated moments. Any of these will work.

  • I’ll listen when your voice is calm.
  • I’m going to do something about that.
  • I will begin when you are quiet and ready to listen.
  • I am available to talk about this at 6:00 a.m.
  • I do things for people who say please and thank you.

Then walk away. You are probably seeing a pattern. It is important that you remove yourself from the situation.

Provide Choices

When the time arrives for decisions, provide choices. This allows youth to own the situation and offers control in the decision. The trick is to always make both choices acceptable to you and sincere alternatives for the child. Sometimes there is value in making one choice more appealing than the other but be careful to not come across as manipulative. If youth feel manipulated, they will rebel (again).

For example, if there is a disagreement about chores maybe these choices will work.

  • Are you going to complete this now or after school?
  • Would you like to do the dishes or vacuum?
  • Do you want to clean your room alone or with my help?

If they don’t decide in 10 seconds, you decide. Consistency is the key. Once an expectation is created and supported with actions, the arguments are unsuccessful and not worth the effort.

One Strategy or a Combination

Sometimes one strategy will work to resolve the situation. Sometimes several compliment each other and dovetail together. The keys are to internalize simple responses, walk away, and be consistent.

Brenda Mahler is a mother, teacher, grandmas, and retired administrator. She remains a child advocate and has recently published a book that shares her memories of working with students, Lockers Speak. She also maintains a website, I AM My Best! that hosts her writing.

Lockers Speak

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About the Creator

Brenda Mahler

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Books AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.

* Lockers Speak: Voices from America's Youth

* Understanding the Power Not Yet shares Kari’s story following a stroke at 33.

* Live a Satisfying Life By Doing it Doggy Style explains how humans can life to the fullest.

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