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My best friend is my ex-husband's wife

by Angelina Raisa 7 months ago in married
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Blessings come when you least expect them.

My best friend is my ex-husband's wife
Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

When I began writing my notes on this topic a few weeks ago I had no idea how much more of a blessing my friendship would be. I had no idea that my ex-husband and I would soon be able to talk honestly about my pain and struggles as a parent, a person with anxiety, stress and facing a disability. But as I developed my notes I realise there was more to say than what follows, so stick around until the end.

During the divorce, the feelings of rejection can hit both parties even if it was me that pursued the divorce. There is a grieving period that is most unexplainable even when you know that the marriage was not the right fit. We married too young I was only 18 and he 20. We then spent several years together through ups and downs and had the three most amazing children together.

By Eric Ward on Unsplash

Though I can say there was pain and turmoil during the relationship because we were ideally not compatible, we kept having moments of friendship and fights after the marriage ended. He was the villain in my life story but I was certainly no saint. I too am accountable for my actions and became one very hurt and angry distant soul. There was no reasoning with me by that stage. But on and off things changed because he had met someone. Someone wonderful. She relates to me and my soul.

Over the years we connected deeply but my ex-husband and I still had bad blood and grudges to let go of and it would cause my friendship with his (now) wife some slight tension and sometimes months-years of distance.

But absence truly made the heart grow fonder and time really did heal.

My three children joined her three in their family every second weekend. And when my children needed more love and more support I knew deep within that she would be there for them.

My bond with my ex-husband's wife grew most recently when I became honest about my disabilities and then as I was slowly able to be honest with myself; I was more capable to talk to my ex-husband about our struggles.

My children's other mother and I were able to reminisce about our children's growth, and memories of their little habits or cute moment. I never felt closer to anyone when it came to the children. It feels like she is the other piece to the family that my children needed. And most beautifully my children found friendship in their family as they gained more siblings when their families merged in marriage years ago.

By Mathilde Langevin on Unsplash

Now as a (hopeful mature minded) 34-year old I can say that this is the most amazing thing that I could wish for my children, and myself. My children need her, I need her in my life.

She has my back and I have hers. Yes, we have different beliefs and lifestyles but she is most validating and kind as I hope I am to her. There is no reason for anyone to dislike the new partner in anyone's life but it's so custom in our culture. We see it in the media all the time. Women treating each other like crap for really, absolutely no reason.

The powerful part to me was this friendship and my children having more love and more support as my mind becomes overwhelmed with pain in my disability. But then suddenly something more changed in me.

I could speak more to my ex-husband. He was approachable and I felt no more haste towards him that was not deserved for so long. I recently married and began to understand my husband and how I would not treat him. And suddenly I realised all the things men go through that is not deserved.

By Karina Carvalho on Unsplash

Men get treated rudely even on an honest call with child support agencies. Men don't get access to the same information that women do let alone support. Our children at school are being punished by girls because of what their mothers went through with men. And yes women had a past with inequality but we must be the change the cycle by not teaching our girls to hate all men. Respect goes both ways. I have sons and a daughter and in no way will I allow any form of disrespect even in the tone of voice from either party (avoiding gender identities by saying 'party').

If you want a good and happy life through financial stress, anxiety, illness, disabilities, mental health issues etc, then leave the hurt behind. Find a way to heal. Because you are only creating pain to our future generations and ourselves, and in many cases to others. You may not realise but revenge is sometimes much like a white lie... you think it's a small sentence the speak hastily, nothing in comparison to what you could have said right? NO a white lie is still a lie and a hurtful word is still a hurtful word.

My ex-husband and I made our issues, but he also gave me three amazing children, a beautiful best friend and second mother to our children while she also brought along 3 sweet children-best friends to the children I gave birth to.

By Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash

So I really don't see the point in living in the past. My ex-husband and failed first marriage became a blessing to my present time and my new husband, best friend, and our children.

I only wish we lived closer to spend more time together. Less on the phone and more IRL.

married

About the author

Angelina Raisa

Visual Communications & Social Media Specialist.

Photographer, Illustrator, Graphic Designer, Creative Writer, Content Producer & Curator, Editor, Columnist and Author. Passionate egalitarian.

Editor of HEART - the missing piece Magazine

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