My daddy isn't and never was the real sappy type. We didn't have the typical relationship, and rarely said I love you. We were more likely to be fighting and telling each other to go to hell, or laughing and drinking tequila. We didn't need all that hugging, lovey stuff. We just knew we loved one another and that was, and still is, enough.
So... I never imagined I’d be a single parent, let alone a single parent to two toddlers under four but here we are. And as a momma who has to deal with bosses, bills, and babies, let me just tell you that whether you’re a single momma or daddy, there are days when it’s tough, and it’s ok for us to admit that.
I have spent years trying to figure these words out. I have spent my life trying to figure myself out, trying to "fix" myself. I have changed myself to be loved by people who I knew wouldn't love me if I were to be me. This letter is to benefit anyone who may be in a similar situation to mine.
The beloved shade of green was no longer anywhere to be seen. Not speckled over the thick, healthy leaves on the oak by the run down garage. Not sinking deeper and deeper into the luscious layer of grass so soft more than a few days had been spent laying upon it with nothing but a blanket in between, and possibly a book so torn apart it was barely readable, but beautiful in hands of melted caramel none-the-less.
I became a mom in 2018. Before I had my baby, I never realized how hard moms had it. Not only is there a struggle to be the best mom you can be, there are also people surrounding you thinking they should give “good” advice. There are people around you judging every move you make.
Being a mother is amazing...However, it can be very hard, especially as a young mother.
It was Wednesday night. I heard the crying from my room. I knew who it was coming from: my father. We had found out not even a full year ago that he had stage three colon cancer. Within the year, he had a few surgeries and it had spread to his liver. His crying kept me up. My mom walked to my door. “Emily, your father is having a rough night, I don't think he’s going to make it much longer. Why don't you go in and tell him you love him?”
The thing about Grief that not everyone realizes is that it’s not just a word or a feeling or a pit stop on a journey. I capitalize it because Grief is the proper name of a living, moving presence. There are many different types of Grief, but for my purposes, I’m going to focus on the one that is the heaviest and most deeply permanent; the Grief that is formerly introduced upon losing a loved one.