I have spent years trying to figure these words out. I have spent my life trying to figure myself out, trying to "fix" myself. I have changed myself to be loved by people who I knew wouldn't love me if I were to be me. This letter is to benefit anyone who may be in a similar situation to mine.
The beloved shade of green was no longer anywhere to be seen. Not speckled over the thick, healthy leaves on the oak by the run down garage. Not sinking deeper and deeper into the luscious layer of grass so soft more than a few days had been spent laying upon it with nothing but a blanket in between, and possibly a book so torn apart it was barely readable, but beautiful in hands of melted caramel none-the-less.
I became a mom in 2018. Before I had my baby, I never realized how hard moms had it. Not only is there a struggle to be the best mom you can be, there are also people surrounding you thinking they should give “good” advice. There are people around you judging every move you make.
Being a mother is amazing...However, it can be very hard, especially as a young mother.
It was Wednesday night. I heard the crying from my room. I knew who it was coming from: my father. We had found out not even a full year ago that he had stage three colon cancer. Within the year, he had a few surgeries and it had spread to his liver. His crying kept me up. My mom walked to my door. “Emily, your father is having a rough night, I don't think he’s going to make it much longer. Why don't you go in and tell him you love him?”
The thing about Grief that not everyone realizes is that it’s not just a word or a feeling or a pit stop on a journey. I capitalize it because Grief is the proper name of a living, moving presence. There are many different types of Grief, but for my purposes, I’m going to focus on the one that is the heaviest and most deeply permanent; the Grief that is formerly introduced upon losing a loved one.
Life isn't always as bad as you view it.
As a mom we take on a lot in one day. We feel like we're doing it all and sometimes we feel like we're doing it alone even with a partner. I live 300 miles away from my husband while taking care of our toddler. He doesn't see what I do on a day to day basis but let me tell you, it's a lot, while my husband works a 7-4 and gets to relax once his work day is done. He gets to shut it off at the end of the day, only worrying about himself. I on the other hand can't recall the last time I ate. I'm not knocking what my husband does, the physical labor he does every day I'm sure is exhausting but nothing compares to the 24 hour a day job of being a mother.
At the age of 20, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I left her father during my fifth month of pregnancy because he was mentally abusive towards me and I felt I could give my baby a better life without him.