Here I am writing. It is 1:17 PM. My one year old daughter is down for her nap. I should be sleeping too... My little one was up at 1 AM and didn't go back to sleep until 7 AM this morning. I'm exhausted.
This is just another day.
I have anywhere between ten minutes to an hour to get things done before my baby wakes up. I need to bring up firewood for the wood stove and start some laundry in the basement, for example. But, instead, I'm writing, just to get it all out. So, here goes...
I feel alone. I feel unwanted. I feel like I just exist.
Don't get me wrong, I have my husband and my daughter. I love them so much. And they try to keep me smiling. But somewhere along the lines I wound up a mom, with no friends, and hardly any family around.
All of my family is south of me in the Appalachian Mountains. And all of my friends have become strangers. We do not know each other anymore.
It's just another day. A day I have to try and smile, so my husband doesn't feel bad — Lord knows I don't want him to feel anything but valuable in my life. A day I try to smile so I'm not judged. So I'm not labeled or thought to be throwing myself a pity party. A day I try to smile so my facial expressions aren't misread for being stuck up about something or upset with someone.
It's just another day I feel jealous of my husband, who has friends that ask him to go out without out a child to chase. It sounds so nice. I feel jealous that he has family that is around loving and inviting... I miss mine.
It's just another day I have to be home, keeping things in order the best that I can and taking care of the baby. A day where my adult interaction comes from watching The Today Show.
It's just another day. I can't remember how to be the social butterfly I once was before the isolation started and existed. Before I became a mom. No one knows what I've been through. They never ask, just assume.
It's just another day I fear I'll die alone, with no one but God by my side. No one comes to visit. They don't even call. They don't text or write.
It's just another day I'm expected to show up here and there. I try to call the ones who never call me. I try to to be everywhere so they all know I care, only to go back to my home where no one stops to say hello. I only do it because I don't want them to feel like me.
It's just another day. I know last week I found out my cousin passed. I see my grandparents growing weak. My great aunts and uncles to follow. But I put a smile on my face anyway and showed up to the party.
It's just another day. My reason for getting through it is laying sweetly in their bed and out working hard for us.
It's just another day I thank God for all that I have. God and my family is all I have. I wish it was enough, but I am still sad. And for that I feel guilt.
It's just another day, don't worry about me. I still remember the verse, "I have set before you blessing and curses, Life and death. Choose life."
I choose life, and I count my blessings. But sometimes I wish I didn't have a rough past. I wish I had friends. I wish I felt important, successful, and wanted.
But it's just another day as a mom. There is one I know who needs me to make it just another day. To be here just another day. To love her just another day.