How To Recognise The Signs Of Narcissism

Two of the easiest to spot and most disagreeable aspects of Narcissism are gaslighting and projection. These are characteristics whereby the Narcissist projects all of the blame onto you and gaslights others, convincing them that you are the problem. And the Narcissists I have had the misfortune to be assaulted and abused by were both very, very adept at gaslighting other people about what was going on.

In my humble opinion, Narcissists do know exactly what they are doing and even, dare I say it, take great pleasure in what they do. They can be so charming and convincing to the point that, when their victim complains to a best friend or close member of their own family, the victim gets shunned in favour of the Narcissist.

I once had a female friend who told me that when she confided in close friends about the abuse she was suffering at the hands of her boyfriend, she was told not to be so negative and that her abuser was a lovely guy who would not harm a fly. In the end, Maria had to stop confiding to those people. This is the well-practised art of Narcissistic Isolation.

In my case, people who I had considered very good friends abandoned me in favour of my Narcissistic ex-wife. Speaking of the Devil, as mentioned before in another article on this subject, my first ex even managed to convince my own mother that I was mentally ill and needed to see a psychiatrist. My mother almost begged me to see a shrink. Of course, then I showed my mother the proof of my ex's affair, to which my mother exclaimed "What a bitch!"

I remember one day when I was visiting my mother and my ex called. My mother took the call and my ex chatted with her for a couple of minutes. "Oh, Anne..." she chimed "I do hope he's helping you by cutting that grass in the back garden for you darling." Now as it happens, that was exactly what I was doing at that moment. Then my mother passed the telephone to me.

"Hello," I said softly.

"What are you doing now?" she demanded in a serious tone.

"I'm helping my mother by cutting the grass. Why?"

"Well, I want you back here NOW! Let the stupid old cow do it herself, leave now!"

Shocked, but not at all too surprised, I put the phone down. As I made my way into the kitchen my mother said to me "Oh, she's lovely your wife Liam. She does worry about me, you know?" Now if had told my mother what my ex had just said to me on the phone, my ex would have called me a nasty liar and set my own mother against me. The woman was totally without shame.

Of course, I ignored my ex's command and finished cutting the grass for my dear old mum.

In a nutshell, here are some explanations of Narcissistic traits, along with real-life examples to illustrate what is meant by their names.

Projection

Projection is when the narcissist accuses you of being guilty of the very thing they themselves are guilty of. A very common example of this is when you are accused of being unfaithful when it is in fact the narcissist who is being unfaithful. I certainly experienced that particular example from very early on in both of my ex's extramarital affairs.

Gaslighting

The interesting thing about gaslighting is that sometimes a narcissist will even resort to gaslighting themselves. A perfect example would be a chap I once knew who had been present at the scene of a crime. He managed to get away un-noticed, but concerned that just maybe the police would want to question him, he kept telling himself "I wasn't there." He confessed to me that he had repeated "I wasn't there." so many times, he actually began to believe his own lie.

Gaslighters will deny your reality and insist upon imposing their distorted view and will stress to you that “you must be losing your mind,” and “it didn’t happen like that” These are common statements employed to make you mistrust or deny your truth.

Triangulation

Triangulation is when a narcissist will bring a third party into the situation to take sides with them, to support their false version of events against your true version. My first ex-wife brought her sister into our situation to try to convince me that her sister was not having an affair. And all along my ex's sister knew full well that she was having an affair and was covering for her.

Playing the Victim

Narcissists will often play the victim after dishing out harmful or vengeful behaviours, to try to get any sympathy and/or attention for themselves. Due to their ability to convince people, using projection and cognitive distortions, they can be quite convincing and often cause outsiders to become confused as to what the real truth is.

Smear Campaign

A narcissist will often create a complex web of lies or exaggerations in order to discredit and isolate a person. This is carried out with anyone who will listen, and the victim’s friends and family are not exempt.

The cruel end result of this is that usually the victim is left with limited support, even their loved ones may believe the lies about them. When the victim tries to report the abuse they are experiencing, they are treated as if they are the ones causing the problems.

Revenge Seeking

When someone with Narcissistic tendencies feels wronged, they will often go into revenge-seeking mode. This may be done in the form of a smear campaign, but it can also occur in a number of other ways.

In my case, I suffered the smear campaign and a heck of a lot more. In particular, my ex set out to get me in trouble with the authorities with false allegations, after I refused to withdraw my divorce papers. Then she sought revenge by physically attacking my car, restricting access to my children, and trying to destroy my second marriage, which I have to say she did succeed in doing.

Pathological Lying

And here we have the whole crux of the matter, pathological lying.

"A pathological liar not only lies frequently but may feel a compulsion to do so. Pathological liars can’t stop lying even when it causes psychological distress, puts them in danger, and creates problems with relationships at work, or in other aspects of daily life."

https://www.newportinstitute.com › co-occurring-disorders

On a personal level, I would not ask either of my ex-wives the time of day even. I just could not be sure that they would give me a truthful answer. And that is why relationships that are infected by Narcissism, always end in ruins due to a total lack of trust, even at a very basic level.

I sincerely hope that any readers of this short piece do not have to suffer even one per cent of what I have suffered. And in writing and publishing this discussion of the subject, I also hope it will help you to recognise the signs early on and avoid some of the pitfalls that brought about my very own downfall.