Grief Is A Complicated Lifelong Journey

Death is just a fact of life. It is an awful thing to go through, and no matter how much time goes by, you still will feel a measurable sense of loss. It doesn't matter if your loved one died yesterday or 40 years ago, you will still miss them. For many, they never can move forward.

Several years ago, mental health professionals started using the term 'move forward' to explain moving past the death of a loved one. They felt it better described the process. You don't forget the person you lost to death, you move forward with your life.

Death Will Rock You To Your Core

The first time I experienced a loss so profound I thought I'd never recover was when my grandma died in 2011. Her death flipped my entire world upside down. She was my rock and safe place. When I was 3, she had to go to court to get custody of me because my mother was and still is a drug addict. She felt the need to shield me from her and keep me out of the foster care system.

For years, it was just her and I. We did everything together. She was a great parent to me and taught me everything I know. Without her, I probably wouldn't have found my love for writing.

In 2009, her husband of 25 years suddenly passed away. He was her entire world, and without him, she headed into a downward spiral. I told myself, even though she was 80, that she would be okay - after all, she was the strongest person I knew. But she was far from fine.

One day, I went to her house to cook her a hot meal and visit. I sat in grandpa's chair and she came unglued. She told me he would be back shortly and he would need to sit in his chair. I tried to explain he wasn't coming home, but she refused to listen. Her heart couldn't accept that her husband died.

Grandma's Decline

Grandma's health declined shortly after his death. My family hired a home health nurse to help her with daily activities because she was struggling to clean her house and keep up with her personal hygiene. One day, her nurse nicked her toe when cutting her toenails. It wasn't intentional, but it led to her death. She had type I diabetes, so her cut never healed. It caused a massive blood infection and ultimately cost her life.

When she died, my world went immediately dark. Even though I was 35, I felt lost. She loved me when I was truly unlovable. She knew me better than anyone, and I miss that connection. It took me nine years to talk about her without crying. I have yet to visit her grave because the idea is too much to bear.

I still have waves of grief that hit me hard. It usually follows the moment I realize I cannot call her to tell her something. I still think about calling her daily. I have moved forward from her death, but moving on or forgetting her isn't an option. I will never forget her. And that is her legacy.

Partner's Death Hit Differently

In 2018, my boyfriend passed away in our home after a fatal asthma attack. He was 45 and his death was completely unexpected. I knew he was sick, as he had asthma, but what I didn't know was he had a substance abuse problem. He was abusing opioids, which only made his asthma worse.

I was considering leaving him just before he died. I assumed since I wanted to break up, his death wouldn't hurt as bad. I was very wrong. I felt so much guilt for considering leaving him, feeling as if my negative feelings about him caused his death. I now know that is not correct, but when you are in the middle of grief, you do not think rationally.

When he died, my whole life changed. He worked and support me. I worked as an editorial director for a blog, but I couldn't concentrate on work. I had to take a couple months off from writing and editing. It took me almost a year to recover.

I wasn't sad about his death after two months, but the effects on my mind and body lasted a year. I felt anxious and had trouble sleeping. My heart still races when I see an ambulance on the side of the road. I can still hear the paramedics whispering to me there is nothing they can do - he's gone!

There Is Life After Loss

There is life after losing your loved one. Immediately after losing your parent, sibling, partner or friend, it will feel as if you will never move forward. But you will. Little by little, you'll see you will feel happy again. You will smile again. And, you will live your life again.

It just takes time. I remember right after my boyfriend died; I thought I'll never laugh again. I worried my children would always miss him. They moved forward within a few weeks, but I felt obligated to look like a grieving widow.

One day, about two months after his death, a friend of mine told me a funny story, and I laughed. It felt so good to feel normal. From then on, I kept putting one foot in front of the other and before long; I was better. I was in a better place mentally, and I felt, for a lack of a better word, normal.

Grief is a horrible thing. You feel sad, angry, and depressed - sometimes all at the same time. It never goes away. You'll feel sad over all the future memories they will miss.

A few days ago, I felt sad my grandma won't see my daughter graduate high school. She'll miss her wedding and when she becomes a mother. It put a new spin on grief, as I realized then that the job of grieving loved ones will never go away. It's going to be a lifelong journey, and it's the price of loving someone.

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Originally published on Medium.