Bedtime Strategies to Eliminate the Fight

Her mamma told her again to get in bed. Though her voice sounded stern, in her chest beat a soft heart. In fact, the large brown eyes of her daughter asking for a hug caused all her determination to melt into a gooey mess that puddled in her brain swamping the logic. Mamma picked up the toddler with firm hands and wrapped her in loving arms while lecturing about the consequences if she came down those stairs again.

The nightly ritual repeated like reruns of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. There existed a conflict, a threat, and a little rebellion but in the end, anyone watching acknowledged immediately a strong bond existed between mother and daughter.

This is both a memory from my past and an event from the present. I experienced these moments with my children and witness the same with my grandchildren.

Kids resist bedtime, while parents covet quiet time at the end of the day. Even parents who love their children to the moon and back require solitude to decompress and prepare to start over again in the morning.

I remember the exhaustion that consumed my mind and body as a working mother. Some nights the idea of reading Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham as a bedtime story felt like being required to read War and Peace. Every page, every word produced a desire to force feed Sam I Am so he would learn to love green eggs and ham twenty minutes sooner.

The simple act of tucking-in my girls produced fear that being close to a bed might entice me to sleep instantly. A tired mom often becomes delusional.

Thus, during a recent visit, when my grown daughter looked at me with an expression of exhaustion, I offered to take over. With the wee little one’s hand in mine, I marched her upstairs thinking about the skills associated with creating a pleasant bedtime experience.

Perception is Everything

As we climbed the stairs, I thought how delightful to be given the opportunity to tuck-in my granddaughter as I relived days long past when I wrangled a rug rat to bed. Basically, both accomplish the same result through different approaches. Let me explain.

I often quote Mark Twain, “Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.” This saying illustrated to my children that life is what we make it; by eliminating the grumbling and accepting events with a positive attitude, life is better. But for the first time, I applied this concept to motherly chores. Sure, mothers love their children but let’s get real — parenting is hard.

Maybe all mothers should post simple reminders on the walls (close to the bedroom). I chose to give birth; children bring great joy; appreciate this moment; life is a blessing. Maybe brief, modest prompts could change our perception during the trying moments and remind us that this is what we love to do — play with our babies.

This change of attitude is a first step, but I am not unrealistic enough to imply that simply by having a positive attitude, bedtime will magically become easy. There are several other strategies when combined with a system increase success.

Mental Preparation

Children possess little concept of time. Therefore, it is valuable to forewarn when bedtime is approaching, mentally preparing them of the upcoming event.

A common mistake many parents make is to announce it is time to get ready for bed and expect an immediate response. Humans, at any age, do not respond quickly. At meetings in the workplace there is usually a signal that the event is about to start. Bells ring in schools to warn classes are beginning. Flickering lights at a play during intermission signal the audience when it is time to return to their seats. Children need the same consideration to prepare for change.

For toddlers, five-minute notifications are adequate. Preschoolers benefit from enough time (10–20 minutes) to put items away and finish projects. And even teens respond better when notified in time to mentally prepare. Communication is the key.

Routines

Repetition is especially important for developing toddlers. Children learn behaviors through observation. After stating bedtime is in 5 minutes, start the routines: brushing, washing, changing clothes, reading a book, etc. The process sets the mood for what is to come. When my children were little, our most stressful nights occurred when we veered from the routine.

Rewards

There is a thin line between rewards and bribes. A reward is given in response to positive behavior. A bribe is offered to encourage a behavior. All humans respond to positive reinforcement. In our home, my daughters loved to have their backs rubbed. It was understood if they completed the routines in a timely manner, rewards were gained. The more efficiently they prepared for bed, the more time remained for cuddles, rubs, loving, or songs to soothe them to sleep.

Side note: Remember that tired, cranky mommy from earlier. No, she did not suddenly become superhuman or gain energy from an experimental infusion. Life simply becomes more pleasant and smoother with established procedures, allowing her (me) to enjoy the moment instead of continually baiting the trap to catch the mouse and chase the prey around in circles.

Imagination

Children live in their imagination so bring their imagination into the bedroom. When my children were young, I would have them close their eyes and picture their favorite place. They would choose a setting, and I took over from there. With their eyes closed to visualize the setting, my description would carry them away to their dreamland where the ocean waves caressed the sand, fairies’ wings lighted the night sky ,and princesses won battles against dragons. During the storytelling, I would brush their hair with my fingers, massage their temples and gently stroke their cheeks, forehead and nose. Slowly my words allowed them to drift asleep to discover new lands.

My granddaughter loves unicorns. So when she spends the night, I tell her stories about adventures with the mythical creatures. Once she has the images in her head and the story begins, she becomes captivated; her body relaxes allowing me to tiptoe out of the room seldom to hear from her again that night. I have explained that if she opens her eyes the unicorn will disappear, and a three-year-old doesn’t want to lose her magical friend. Recently, I found an image app that I used to superimpose a picture of her sitting with a unicorn. It sits beside her bed.

Reassurance

Children need to know that sleep is a peaceful experience. There are no monsters under the bed or in the closet. Reassurance of what will await them in the morning helps them relax and accept the inevitable. Forecast what they will wake up to and what the following day will bring. Inform them who will be with them, what will happen, and any special plans. Kids do not like surprises that leave them unbalanced.

Consistency

Consistency is the key. Just like adults, kids respond positively when expectations are clear and uniform. When presented with reliable information and regularity in their lives, a loving, trusting relationship develops leading to a peaceful home.

The nightly act of putting children to bed doesn’t have to be a constant fight filled with ultimatums. It isn’t necessary to dread a battle each evening. When reliable strategies dictate the day’s end, everyone wins. Parents can look forward to a little cuddling and a goodnight kiss while children embrace the habits without noticing they’ve been lured into compliance. Just remember it is not them who is in training; it is you.