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Becoming a Widow at 30 & everything in between.

by Tara Anderson 9 days ago in grief
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A widow’s journey from being happily married with two children, to single and trying to figure out how to keep this boat afloat.

Walking this path without you.

Can You ever remember a time in your life when you wish you could go back to a moment?

Last year on the 24th of August my whole world was turned upside down in the blink of an eye. The morning began like any other day, I had no warning, it just happened.

On the day that my husband passed away I remember him coming out of our bedroom with our 5 month old son and him handing him to me and asking me what was for dinner, I said sausages.

I was working from home that day so I said to my husband I have a zoom meeting starting in a few minutes, once I’m done I’ll make us a cuppa and cook breakfast, my husband said that he was still feeling really tired and that he was going to go lay back down while I have my meeting. That was it.

I finished my meeting and put the baby in the bassinet which I had beside me, I got up and went into the kitchen and flicked on the kettle, I called out to my husband to see if he wanted a cuppa, no reply. I listened and realised I couldn’t hear any snoring either, which was strange, my husband snores like a freight train usually. I went looking for him and found him in our oldest son’s room, asleep.

As I approached the bed and looked upon my husbands face I immediately knew something was not right, he looked grey around the mouth and was so very still. I reached down to wake him and noticed that he was covered in sweat, I flicked back the covers and saw that the bed was soaked, my mind was racing but somehow my nursing training kicked in and I checked for signs of life, nothing.

I ran to get my phone and immediately dialed 000, I remember the lady on the other end of the line being so calm, she asked me to check to see if he was breathing, I replied no, she then asked for me to check for a pulse, I said no, she then said you need to get your husband off the bed and onto the floor to start CPR until the ambulance arrives, I told her my husband was 120kg’s and I’m 68kgs how the hell am I going to move him, she just said it’s really important, you have to move him now.

I tried pulling my husband towards the edge of the bed, but i could barely move him, he was so heavy, I rolled him towards the edge of the bed and he fell, landing on the floor, the lady on the phone advised me to start CPR, I told her there was no room for me to do it, my husband had landed in the space between the bed and the tv unit, I couldn’t kneel beside him and do it, instead i stood over him and began CPR.

I was looking down at my husbands face just praying he would wake up, at the same time I was apologising for hurting him, suddenly I heard a voice call out from the kitchen, paramedics, where are you? I shouted in the bedroom down the hall way, and then I was bombarded with four paramedics, coming into the room at once with their equipment, they quickly decided that they needed to move my husband due to the lack of space in the room, so one grabbed his legs and another grabbed his arms and they dragged him out of the room and into our kitchen.

They shoved the dining room table out of the way and went to work on placing the tabs to hook him up to the defibrillator. I was standing there looking down at them when one of them came over to me and said, is there anyone here with you? I said no it’s just me and the baby, the paramedic told me to call someone, I grabbed my phone from the room and called my mum, she answered the phone and I started crying hysterically, I could hear her saying what’s wrong, what’s happened? I finally said, mum I need you to come now, Kyle isn’t breathing, the paramedics are here.

After I had called my mum I immediately called my husbands mum, she answers the phone and again I brake down, I remember just saying “mum Kyle isn’t breathing”, then hearing her break down and then another voice comes on the line, it’s my father in law, Tara what’s happened? I say again, Kyle isn’t breathing the paramedics are here working on him, he just says “my boy”.

I was listening to the sounds of my in-laws crying hysterically on the phone when one of the paramedics comes over to me and just says, I’m really sorry but your husband is gone, we tried everything but unfortunately he has passed. I can’t believe what he is saying to me, my mind can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, I can’t speak, finally I choke out are you sure? He nods his head, I feel myself loosing control of my emotions, I hand him the phone and say it’s his parents can you tell them?

I remember the feeling of the cold tiles on the back of my legs as I sat there holding my husband, and saying to him that I was sorry, and then thinking oh my god I have to tell our oldest son what has happened, he won’t believe me, he went to school this morning and daddy was fine, how am I going to tell him?

You can never be prepared for what happens when you loose someone, you wish you could go back to that moment when you last spoke to them, and tell them how much you loved them, but you can’t.

I was never prepared for this, I just know that I have two boys who need me right now, I need to be strong for them.

I just don’t know what happens next…

grief

About the author

Tara Anderson

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