An Open Letter to The Father Who Was Never There
I made it.
I made it. I did it all. Without you. I was able to see you only a few times in my life, but I don't remember it. I don't remember YOU. Sure, I know what you looked like. I know stories that our family told about you. The good and the bad. But, I will never get to know how you would have been with me. How our relationship as father and daughter would have been. You've been gone for almost a year, and not much has changed, honestly. A few things have changed, but one thing has not, and will never get to change. I didn't know you. You were never there.
I have sat and thought about this. Hours upon hours it has weighed on my mind. Tears upon tears I have sat and cried. There are questions I will never have answered. I wish I just could talk to you. Just once. Just to get my answers, get my closure. To help me to just understand a few things.
Why didn't you want me?
I wasn't even born before you decided you didn't want me. How could I have done anything wrong?
Did you ever think about me?
Did I ever weigh on YOUR mind?
Did you EVER want me?
When I turned 18, why didn't you even TRY to reach out to me?
Did you ever wonder how I was doing? If I was sick? If I needed anything?
Why didn't you step up, be a man, and support both of your kids?
I will never understand why you didn't want me. That is a feeling I have felt my entire life. Rejection, not being wanted, a burden. Is that what I was to you? Just a burden? I will never be able to call you dad. I can only refer to you as my biological father or by your first name. You weren't a dad to me. I just cannot bring myself to call you dad. I am NOT sorry for that.
I have heard so many stories about you from our family. From my aunts, my grandma and grandpa on your side of the family. They all want me and accept me. I love them, truly. Even if you didn't give me a thing in my entire life, you did give me the opportunity to meet them, and have my cousins and that part of the family in my life. Without you, I wouldn't have them. So, I have to thank you for that.
You have also taught me some life lessons. Even though you weren't ever around, I did learn a few things from you. And that is that some people were just not meant to be in your life. Had they been, it would have turned out so different. I may never had met my fiance or his family. I may never had went to the high school that I wanted to go to. Things would have been different and I am not sure that I would have been the same person that I am.
You also taught me that parents can break their kids' hearts before a significant other ever has the chance to. Whether it be a father or a mother. I went to my school events and saw all those dads, fathers hugging their kids. I saw them saying how proud they were of them, giving them high fives. I longed for that. I yearned for a father to be there for me. I never knew what it felt like to have a father who was proud of me. I never knew what it felt like to feel that anyone was proud of me
You taught me to never have kids with anyone that I was not definite about. I know things can go sour in any point of any relationship. But, just to make sure that the person will love my kids just as much as I do, because I never want them to feel the rejection that I have felt my entire life. They will know that they are beautiful. They are loved. I am proud of them. Mommy will always be their number one fan.
I graduated in May of 2016. My mom was there. My grandma was there. I know my grandpa was with me in spirit. Out of anyone, I felt like he was the most proud of me. My other set of grandparents were there. My fiance and his little sister was there. My aunt came in from another state. A lady I thought of as a grandma was there. You weren't there. I wish you had come. Even if you stayed away from me. Even if you didn't speak to me. I wish you had come to see your only daughter graduate.
Did you even think of me as your daughter?
I made it. I have had a couple jobs, have a wonderful fiance. I did it all without you. I will continue to live without you. I have never had a choice but to do this.
When I was a little kid, you had the opportunity to come and see me. Why didn't you? I have a memory of seeing you and my little brother there only once. You never came after that. When you did that, I didn't even want to go to our meeting place anymore. I was hurt.
The most important point in this letter is this: I forgive you. I may not be able to love you. I may not be able to call you dad. You may have given me nothing in my entire life. You may have never been there for me. But, I forgive it all. It is not in my heart to hold a grudge. I prayed for you often. I hope you are in Heaven and look down on my little brother and I. I hope you are proud of us. I hope you know that I wanted you to reach out to me. And I hope that we will get to meet on Heaven's shore one day.
The daughter you never wanted.