Addict Apologies

by Joshua Belliel 7 months ago in siblings

Part One

Addict Apologies

Brother, I'm sure this means very little to you at this point. I crossed lines and burnt a bridge. A bridge that is very important to me. However, I must apologize. Apologize: a word that doesn't even come close to what I want to give you. What I owe you. I love and appreciate you more thank you will ever know. You're the hero. The true definition of a man in these wicked days. You have given me so much. You were there for me. I look up to you. Since my very first memories of you, I've looked up to you. For me to throw things away like I did was not only childish and disgusting, but sad and pathetic. An outburst for the ages.

Cowardice and masking is my profession, as you have seen in the past years. I could not possibly muster the adequate amount of words to describe how much you mean to me. And I could not possibly scrounge my soul for an ample amount of apologies. Surely, none will do. But, I can try. Try not with fear, but with expectations of failure, a word I am familiar with in that department and others.

I am sorry, Brother. Sincerely. I do not expect forgiveness by any means. I only hope you read this and know that I, too know who I am. What I am. I've known for as long as I have existed.

I love you, Brother. I love your family. I love you.

I love you.

Sister, I am sure this means very little to you at the moment. But, I must apologize. To treat the sister of mine that has been nothing, NOTHING but supportive and kind and sweet they way I had is truly foul and horrid. You had given me chance after chance... after chance. My being a brother (or the feeble attempts) to you has been far, far below subpar. Much closer to rotten, in fact.

You give the world. To your husband. To your beautiful children. To anyone who is blessed enough to enter the bright light that is your life. My behavior carries disgust, fear and loathing. Loathing of nobody but myself. Cowardice and masking is my profession.

Throughout my daily doings, I ofen think of you. Things we may share a laugh at. The 'how would Sister handle this?' sort of thing, also. Which always leads to the thought of how deeply I cherish you. You have shared with me such great, amazing wisdom over the years. I owe you so much more than an apology. But for the life of me, I can't think of anything that could even resemble words truly sufficient for you. Though there are no satisfactory or suitable words to explain just how apologetic I truly am, I must try.

I apologize, Sister. I am so, so sorry. Sincerely. I do not foresee my sins of that horrible night being absolved, and that is okay. I only desire to deliver my love. I care. Despite the countless absurd, preposterous and downright idiotic actions I have brough upon you all, not to mention the disappointment, I care. About you.

I love you, Sister. I love your family. I love you.

I love you

Joshua Belliel
Joshua Belliel
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Joshua Belliel

Hemingway. Thompson. Bukowski. Burroughs. Belliel.

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