A valuable lesson from the movie 'Purple Rain'

The 1984 hit movie Purple Rain starring Prince probably would not be received as well today. In the film, both The Kid,(Prince) and his father are hitting women. When this movie first aired I was 26 years old, had only been married for 4 years and knew nothing about domestic violence. I was uncomfortable watching Appolonia and the Kid's mom being slapped around but I had nothing to compare it to. I grew up in a community full of married couples and I never heard once that any husband hit his wife. I watched Purple Rain the other day and now that I am older I realize a valuable lesson.

I saw playing out on screen what I thought was art 37 years ago but now know is based in reality. In the movie, in one scene the Kid is stopping his father from beating his mother and in the next they are having a romantic encounter. So many times, when an abusive man calms down, the wife hopes and prays that this is the last time for the violence and she welcomes the advances that let her know that her spouse still cares. Those who have never been in this situation can be judgmental but it's reality. Let me make it known that I am not condoning abuse and no one should stay in an abusive situation. I am examining the reasons such things happen.

The Purple Rain situation was extreme but it addresses the point I am making. This article is not about women being knocked around. I am referring to situations where children, neighbors, relatives, or friends may hear a couple in a heated argument, only to see them holding hands and laughing minutes later. In Purple Rain Prince's character seemed disgusted to see his parents in each other's arms after he had just stopped his dad from hurting his mom. He probably wondered why she did not just leave him and there is a reason.

Again, I am speaking on verbal disagreements that can get heated and not physical violence. I understand that in today's culture verbal abuse is recognized but there was a day it was not. Couples raising their voices one minute then expressing love the next was perplexing but again there is a method to the madness. Most wives, at least those of a certain age were serious about vows that stated for better or for worse or until death do us part. Many were raised in religious settings that frowned upon divorce. Women whose husbands started out loving and kind but change over time, recall the man they first fell in love with and hope and pray that he emerges again.

Each time there is an altercation followed up by apologies, kindness, I love you and lovemaking, these wives are believing this may be the time their prayers are answered. This is especially true when the husband only displays the bad behavior after drinking or drugging. Wives who understand that this is a symptom of the disease know that in time he will cool down but others simply see an abusive man. This is a dysfunctional way to live and children, young and adult get caught in the crossfire.

There is a scene in Purple Rain where The Kid and Appolonia are looking through the window at his parents making out. The Kid has a look of disgust on his face and tells Appolonia, "My parents are sick." This is common for adult children who never truly got to see the good side of a father, or mother dealing with mental illness, alcoholism, or addiction. Those looking in from the outside think this is crazy, especially other women whose relationships did not work out. They often will advise the wife to leave because if they can make it alone she can do it too. In many cases, these women did not walk out or put their husbands out but he chose to leave them and the saying misery loves company might apply regarding their advice.

Many times people may hear the husband or wife's adverse reaction without knowing that the spouse has said or done something to cause him or her to be upset. This is not blaming the victim but addressing that there are times when the other spouse could be at fault. Children who only hear their father screaming and cursing have cannot understand that their mother is seeing another side behind closed doors. I am not referring to sex but an apology in private, a gentle touch, or a kiss on the cheek. Any small gesture that signals that the man she first married is in there is encouraging.

Like the Prince character in Purple Rain, they may be disgusted and do not have any good memories. The Kid's mother tells her son that her husband is crazy but she is crying and upset after he attempts suicide. There are probably those who would say she would have been better off without him but remember this is a woman in love and all she wants is for her marriage to work out. A husband or wife will know intimate things about their spouse that others, even family members are not privy to. Perhaps the husband gave his wife a massage one night when she was feeling bad or she rubbed his feet after a hard day at work.

Maybe one spouse told the other that he or she still looked young and sexy or paid another compliment. Small gestures of love and kindness can melt an angry heart. And yes, make up sex could be involved. People outside of the marriage will not be able to understand the dynamic and it might seem foolish. I've said all of this to make a point which is that some couples love each other and neither is going to go anywhere no matter how hard it gets. Again I say I am not talking about being knocked around.

I am reflecting upon how I see now 3 decades later what I did not understand in 1984. Marriage is complex and some women and men will put up with behavior that others believe they should not. I recall being told about a wife who would find her husband whenever he went out without her, and she would beat him all the way home with everyone laughing. They remained together for over 40 years until he died. I guess the only thing you can say is that you will not understand other's situations unless you walk a mile in their shoes. Back to Purple Rain, we don't know the end result for the Kid's parents, but at least for those like me who were naive in 1984 there is better understanding of what was going on and continues to play out in some marriages today.