A Daughters Plea

Sometimes I feel like wrapping the pieces of my heart up in a suspicious package wrapped in brown paper and sending it to the very person who broke it over and over again. Attached would be this note:

Dear Mother,

I was once pure and innocent, I believed in the good things like fairytales and magic. I believed that every person had something beautiful deep inside of themselves, even me. I believed that one day I would achieve amazing things. I dreamed big and I smiled often.

Not anymore, you have taken each and every one of those things away from me. I believe in nothing. I expect nothing. I know that I will never be special or amazing. Time and time again you reassured me of this fact and burned it deep into my existence.

Do you know how it feels to look into the mirror and see nothing but a shell staring back at you? I hope that you don't and that you never will. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, not even you. Nobody deserves to feel such pain and such worthlessness. Nobody deserves to wonder if they are truly worthy of life. I live with this almost every day, I embrace it because it will never go away.

You have burned scars into my soul that will never heal both physically and mentally. Was it too much for you to just love me and accept me? Was it too much for me to wish for only peace and happiness in my life? Every guiding light that I have ever discovered, you extinguished right before my eyes. I was the reason for every bad thing that happened to you. I was just a means for you to unleash your frustration and anger. "I still am."

You have wiped every smile from my face and corrupted my every dream. You have done all of this with a smile on your face. You truly enjoy watching me bleed and beg. Why? I will never understand, I will never be capable of comprehending your reasons.

When I was hungry, you knew that my stomach ached yet you fed your scraps to the dog. When I had nothing you looked the other way and spoke horrible things about me.

You're only goal in life was to break me, you achieved that, do you feel pride and happiness? It's strange because deep down inside I wish that for you.

The vicious lies that you have spread burned through my veins like rancid acid. Sometimes I find it hard to even breathe because your hatred for me is heavy and suffocating.

All I ever wanted was to love you and feel your love for me in return. Time and time again you denied me the warmth and security that having a mother can provide.

I have heard it said that it's nobody's fault but my own if I am unable to move forward. I should be capable of leaving the past behind me and providing myself with happiness. But I just can't. The past haunts me like a demon in the night. It rips and tears at my soul until the tears nearly drown me.

I cannot remember one single time that you hugged me, not even as a child. I cannot recall hearing you ever tell me that you loved me or that you were proud. All I ever received from you was resentment. For what though? My existence?

Time and time again you told me that you hated me and that I had ruined your life. How? All I ever wanted to do was love you.

I live with nightmares that wake me up terrified and confused. Yes, I am a grown woman now, but I still cannot escape you. You haunt me.

Nobody will ever really know what you have done to me or just how deep that it goes. Nobody will ever hear the secrets that I am ashamed to reveal. Secrets that you knew about yet you blamed me for.

You drink my misery to fuel your rage. I try to hide it but it is written all over my face. I can't disguise it.

I am but a broken and scared little girl trapped in this adult body, crying and begging to escape. I can't protect that child, I never could. If I could go back in time and give her comfort, I would be too weak to save her.

I have looked the reaper right in the eye on dark, lonely nights. I have considered taking the fall. A fall where I feel safer and happier once I hit the bottom. Yet I somehow find the strength to remain here in the same realm of existence with you.

Each night I fall asleep not to dream, but to prepare myself for what evil tomorrow might bring.

Just let me go, I beg you. I have begged many times, listen to me as I beg one last time. Release me and this grip that you have on my soul. Let me find happiness, rest, and peace if only for a moment.

As you hold this package in your hands, feel my heart. It is broken yet it still beats. Please, give it back to me. Allow me to make it whole just once.

I am sure that when I am gone nobody will mourn for my faded existence. There will never be monuments built in my name nor will I be remembered for achieving great things. This story will not win awards and will most likely be read by only a few. Just know that it is true. One little spark still simmers inside of me. The desire to be heard and to somehow heal by these words.

"Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt." - There was never a safe side.