11 Things I Would Not Do To My Child

Disclaimer: This article was inspired by my (almost) four years of teaching young children in Korea and China. A lot of it is also inspired by my own experience being raised in an Indian culture household. These are the things I personally and subjectively don't find to be aspects of healthy parenting. If you went through this as a child and found it positively effective for you, and want to bring it to your own kids' upbringing. That's between you and your kids. Honestly, I feel like only time will tell if your parenting style worked or it didn't. There's truly no shoe size that fits all, when it come to parenting.

For example, I am very anti corporal-punishment. But my peers who experienced it and wish to bring it in their own parenting, claim up and down that it made them a better person. Who am I to deny that? I am by no means an expert.

1. Food Capacity

I think urging kids to eat more than they can (or less than they what they need) is unhealthy. Generally, I have seen parents urge their children to eat more than they can. Imagine my surprise when I first started teaching in Korea, and the students were eating more than an adult would. I also distinctly remember my own mother urging me to eat more (albeit she never forced me) as I have seen a lot of my students being forced to eat more by my Korean co-workers. It's mind boggling.

Overall, I think urging kids to eat more when they do not physically need it will only lead to them overeating as adults. And then these kids as they grow older will struggle with overeating, overweight, and perhaps develop a negative association with food.

2. Compare

I will be the first one to admit that I am guilty of this myself with my students. It happens while you're in the moment. I try my level best not to do it, and if I do, I make sure to praise the "bad" student as soon as possible. However, I am a bit glad to say that my comparison is at the very least is about good behaviour vs bad behaviour (hitting each other, being mean to one another, etc.). I never compare my students for their performance, and soon I hope to even get out of the habit of comparing their behaviour.

Overall,I truly think that comparison rarely motivates children (for the right reasons) and only chips away at their self-esteem. I do hope that as a parent I would not be so concerned with comparing my children in order to bring out 'hidden' potential. But rather I hope that I work on the talent they might already have. I do truly think that comparing kids brings about feelings of resentment, rivalry, and detachment.

3. Compete

You may have heard that "a little competition never hurt anyone" or "a little competition is healthy." But what about those kids who do not enjoy competing. I have seen students who generally do not care about the things their peers have. At the same time, I have seen other students being highly competitive with each other. I should clarify at this point that I am not against competition. If done correctly, it can be a lot of fun for children and adults alike. I just think adults should be a bit more mindful when engaging children in competetion. Any kind of competing activity that brings about stress, severe disappointment, and engagement is not worth it.

4. Censure

This one is a tricky one, just like the whole freedom of speech argument. Perhaps providing examples for what I mean by this would be more prudent. I would not be okay with my child calling me by my given name. However, if my child perceived a fault or flaw in me, I do want to listen to their perspective and understand where they are coming from. So for example, if they find me to be annoying. Rather than being offended, I want to know why they think that way, and what part of me annoys them. I want to talk about it, and not suppress it at all.

5. Boundaries

As kids grow older they develop boundaries, and as much as we want to protect our kids and know everything about them, parents also need to know that there's a little too much. The examples that come to mind are parents going into their kids room without knocking (almost hoping to catch their kid doing something nefarious), going through their trash, their backpacks etc. You get my drift.

6. Command

A lot of parents raise their kids with the ideology that parents must always be followed and listened to. The concept that kids must do as their parents command. I quite literally do not have the energy for this.

7. Corporal Punishment

My parents never (NEVER) hit me or corporally punished me. I honestly don't think I was even grounded or punished for some of the angsty pre-teen and teenage stuff that I did. At the spinster age of twenty-eight I am educated, independent, with a clean criminal record, don't consume drugs or alcohol, am a vegetarian, and didn't have babies I could not take care of. These are things they really care about. I am not the perfect child by any means but I am not disaster either. In my book corporal punishment is the easy way out. Point, blank, period.

8. Confine

I thought my parents were over-protective, and they are. Can you imagine a 6:00 pm curfew for a sixteen year old? The horror. Still, I was allowed to go anywhere I wanted on my own till this time in the evening. I've met parents who don't even allow their kids on the front porch or the backyard of their own house. Like truly, what the fudge?

9. Understand

I don't need to understand everything my kids do. But at a certain point I will have to start really accepting and respecting the very basic fact that it's their life and their choice to live it the way they choose.

10. Adultifying

Yes, yes I know it's not really a word. But the idea fits. I will not turn my children into adults or make them responsible for things out of their control. Like how some parents blame or blackmail their kids with the idea that they stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children. Or turning my kids into marriage counsellors. Or getting them involved in the practical things of life like having to pay bills, worrying about buying groceries etc.

11. Control

In a nutshell I do not wish to control and micromanage my children's life and their choices especially with the big three: education, religion, and marriage. I simply wish to love, guide, and nurture them. And hopefully I do it in a manner where I am their inspiration and their role model rather than their warden.

If you agree leave me a like ^^

Au Revoir!