After the quarrel, I regretted and blamed myself, and a thousand voices floated past my head:
"Loving parents are important for children's development."
"Fighting in front of the children hurts the children the most"
No one likes to fight, but sometimes it just can't be avoided. If you are not careful in front of the children quarrel, how can you do to reduce the damage?
A quarrel between a husband and wife is like being sick. We all know that "it's not good to be sick," but that doesn't mean "you can't be sick."
If you take advantage of this stage of illness, your immune system can also improve.
You can do that
1. Don't bring the kids with you
If you really can't resist arguing in front of your children, don't say things like:
Why are you being so mean? You're scaring the kids. See?
Are you aware of the effect of saying this in front of the child?
Always take the children in the quarrel, is not really love the children, but an Angle to attack each other, let each other bear moral responsibility.
And children become the "third party" of family conflicts. Not only will let the problem to be solved out of focus, but also let the child unconsciously into the "fill" state, into the "victim" psychology.
It was my fault. Mom and Dad were fighting
Which one do I need to help (and hence the guilt of "betraying" the other)
The child should not be the "connector" of every instability in a family relationship. He has no obligation and should not be responsible for solving problems between two adults.
So, no matter how big the fight is, don't bring the fight to your children.
2. Fighting is about solving problems
Arguments are part of any intimate relationship, and no one can escape the experience. Children themselves fight with their friends.
Don't hide, let the children see, also can let them understand, no matter how close the relationship will have friction, quarrel is also a form of interpersonal communication, although there can be a better choice, but it is not completely impossible.
But here are three principles to keep in mind:
First, no humiliation
Fighting is ultimately about solving the problem, not about humiliating the other person and fighting for the sake of fighting.
So don't get personal, don't call names, and don't humiliate.
Second, express needs
The worst argument you can have is when you're mad and the other person doesn't understand what you're mad at.
Quarrel is to let the other side see their needs, so we must learn effective expression, how to do? Just three points:
The truth is, "You haven't done any housework since your vacation."
Say how you feel, "I'm upset that you're ignoring me and my kids";
"I hope you can take my son to do his homework every day and give me some time to catch my breath."
No cold war
If the emotion is too intense to express calmly, you can press the pause button, give you a cooling time, rethink and clarify the needs, but be sure to avoid ignoring each other in anger
The sooner each fight is over, the sooner the first normal conversation begins, the better it will help shift the fight into problem-solving mode.
This step can sometimes be difficult for both parties, so agree on a code word to replace the unspoken "I'm sorry" in your daily routine.
3, in front of the quarrel, in front of the good
Children are not afraid of our quarrel, afraid of mom and dad do not love each other. They see us fighting, they need to see us making up.
Dad, I forgive you
Mom, I'm sorry.
Hug each other
It may seem childish, but it's the act of playing house that makes the child realize that mom and dad are okay.
And to be honest, although naive, you try, say sorry, a hug, in fact, each other will feel better.
Don't worry about letting your kids see your "imperfections." Teaching by example is not only about showing your child the perfect side, but also about letting your child learn from you the ideas and mentality to deal with the "imperfect".
Like I used to say to Little D,
Mom and dad are like a team, there will be conflicts in the process of cooperation, just like when you play with good friends. Conflict will be unhappy, but as long as the problem is solved, everyone can be reconciled.
When children realize that the people they love the most also fight, they will not try to please for fear of conflict. It is also positive for them to form a healthy view of friendship and love.
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.