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When your child starts swearing, your first reaction is important

We're all better able to deal with these issues simply by avoiding the subconscious need to fight back just for the sake of fighting back.

By testPublished 6 months ago 7 min read

People have been asking:

What if the kid talks tough? Does little D talk tough, too?


In fact, the world children "bear" up really a kind, small D put down the malicious words really many.


Said to me, "I hate you!" ;

Children play, also said, "I will kill you".


I remember clearly that the first time she said to me, "I hate you," I was really, really upset. I even thought she was a little "heartless."


And at that time she said this sentence, clearly is their own shoelaces tied bad, I kindly help, the result in exchange for this.


Good children why will say dirty words, malicious words? How should we guide scientifically?

Why is that?

First of all, let us be reassured that the child is certainly not bad, nor is he truly heartless.


The famous "iceberg theory" tells us that we should not only look at what is floating on the surface of the water, but also need to understand the larger motives and reasons below the surface of the water.


Why do children tell us "I hate you"?


First, they're really angry, whether it's about themselves or something else, and their emotions have a spark that needs to explode. She might have hit and bitten before, but now she's learned verbal aggression.


Secondly, the language development is not mature. This may be the best way for them to express this emotion given their limited verbal abilities.


Older children, it just shows that their cognitive development has gradually matured, understand the killing power of language, and explore the power of language boundaries.


If children blame their parents or older family members for what they did wrong, we need to understand that another reason is that they feel safe, and they know it is safe to say this to us.


Now, knowing why, we can better understand our children and we can better guide them

You can do that


1, adults slow step, let the child bear the natural results

Let's start with children swearing at other people.


Many parents, myself included, are the first to start lecturing their children when they hear that they are "insulting" to others.


And the result? The other child's parents are the first reaction to say, it doesn't matter; Or if you say it to an adult, a lot of adults will say, it's okay, it's a kid.


Yes, children do not really realize the "damage" of their language to others, because we are the first to intervene.


And do not experience the feedback of the other side, or even receive the other side said "it doesn't matter" such feedback of children, in the face of our education, experience is puzzling, the effect of natural education is very poor.


The best thing to do is, "Let the bullet fly for a while."


Give the child time to receive the feedback, and even time to see if the child can work it out on her own.

Scene reappearance

D had "cursed" other children because of the order of the playground slide, and the children of the other side did not show any weakness in fighting back, "I hate you too, I hate you!" "And tried to push little D.


At this time, I could see the change in little D's expression, she probably did not expect the other side will have such a feedback.


And at the same time, both of our parents got involved.


I gave little D a reminder that toys in public places belong to everyone, so first come, first served.


I would also emphasize to her pouting lips:

"You see, language hurts. You swear at someone first, and you get upset when they call you back. You all have better solutions, don't you? Let's think about what we can do."

After calming down, Little D is fully equipped with the ability to deal with these social conflicts, and our inaction is to let her truly realize that name-calling is also "resilient".


Think about it, the future society is not like this, not all people will be like at home "let" children, it might as well allow children to experience some real society.


Social feedback is a great way to regulate children's behavior.

But what I want to emphasize here is that you should not misinterpret this as letting go. At least in my parenting philosophy, "name-calling" requires intervention.


It's just that my intervention will be delayed a little bit, so that children can experience the impact of their actions on others, and then the education will be more effective.


Some truth, their pain, to understand more, this is the same for adults and children.

2. Respond to emotions, but don't fight back

If the child is directly to us harsh words, what should we do?

When the child said cruel words, our heart always can not control such a voice, "This child should be so heartless, so heartless";


Or when we see a child scold others, we can't help but think: "My child is so undisciplined, will others think I am not disciplining."


We are just as easily controlled by our emotions as children.


Going back to the reason I said earlier, we can see that children are so angry that they want to make us sad and angry too.


Yes, they did it on purpose, though they didn't mean it.


As a parent, it's best not to snap back: then I don't like you either "; "That mother does not want you."


At the moment the child's mood is chaotic, so there is no doubt also joined the emotional battlefield. The child gets angry, not just because of the anger, but because of the "unloved" message, and the whole war escalates.


I think the best way to deal with it is to "kill it with love".


The way I learned to respond to Little D was to shrug my shoulders and calmly tell her, "Oh, I still love you."


Let the children see that this sentence does not irritate us. Then their "trick" won't work and they won't use it as often after a few setbacks. And remind them that we love her all the time.


"The angrier the child, the more he needs to be loved." When they are angry, they are also testing whether their parents still love them as much as before.


This approach kills two birds with one stone.


This works especially well with a stubborn child like Little D, and you'll often find that this will send her down from a cocky rooster.


Then I will define the emotion and point to solving the problem.


I said to little D, "Oh, you are so angry, can you tell me what's wrong?"


The next steps are as simple as listening to what the child has to say, giving the child some better solutions, holding the child and calming them down.

Scene reappearance

Remember years ago, when I was in the workplace, my peers from other departments came up to me and said, you just never looked down on me? !


And I was like, Wow, you're mad, can you tell me why?


This is the first career lesson my career coach taught me, don't argue about emotions, others to our emotions exist is reasonable.


But we can clarify the facts behind our emotions. This is where we can control and make a difference.


You can respond, but you don't need to fight back. It's what we always say, first define the emotion, then move on to solving the problem itself.


To be honest, I still make these voices, just like when my colleagues accused me, my first reaction was to say, "You are crazy."


None of us are saints, we all have emotions, but one thing we can do is minimize going into stress mode.


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