They say that children who are taken care of by grandparents tend to be spoiled to the hilt,
Her family was the opposite --
She said ah, every day to the child's good guidance, but always the old man in the family said: just because you discuss everything with the child, it is sooner or later will spoil the child.
Then she began to tremble:
What kind of "gentle and firm" can raise a loving but unspoiled child? What should be discussed and when should rules be set? (No, it's all in your gut.)
My answer is very simple, love and spoil are two concepts, absolutely not love too much, is spoil.
Motivation for coddling
There is no principle and bottom line to treat children, as long as the child cries, immediately everything can be, this is spoiling.
But if you ask me, the parents who seem to "love" their children are actually "loving" their once unfulfilled selves.
If there is a time tunnel back to the childhood, I think it must be able to see a child who was taught that "good children don't cry".
It is not so much that such parents love their children as that they are healing their inner child through them, the part of themselves that has not been seen and treated gently.
Seems to be everywhere for the sake of children, in fact, just to satisfy their inner emotional black hole.
All kinds of coddling
Spoiling comes in many forms.
1, please type
While eating in a restaurant, a friend's 4-year-old son was playing on the table with a car. He was so excited that he started Shouting and was ready to climb on the table.
The friend also realized the wrong, and gently said to his son, "Don't play, eat." The child didn't listen and went on playing.
My friend complained to me, "Boys are difficult, but I have a good relationship with my son, just like friends. I think sometimes don't be too strict, love and freedom.
The indulgent parents of this kind are always afraid that their children will not like them and want to make friends with their children.
If we observe the daily life of such parents, they are conflict avoidant. They are "nice people" in life not only to their children, but also to their family, colleagues and so on. Even if it is wrong, they choose to shut up for fear of damaging the relationship.
Coddling children is essentially compensation for the failure of parents' own social relationships to nourish them.
One of my friends returned to work after maternity leave. Of course, she didn't want to go to work. She also cried when her child cried every day before going to work.
To make matters worse, she felt she was losing control of how to set rules for her children. Snacks, watching TV, buying whatever she wants, things she used to firmly disagree with, she now compromises.
She says she can't watch her baby cry, and every time her baby cries, she feels so guilty that she shouldn't go to work.
Guilty parents, always feel that they owe their children, only to satisfy the children to make up.
The essence of this kind of indulging is the projection of parents' unrealized value. When parents' own energy is weak, especially mothers, it is easy to anchor their own power to their children.
Any feedback from the child becomes a reflection of his own value, and there is a lot of unnecessary guilt.
A friend who read my office number once wrote me a long letter in the middle of the night, saying that the child at home was only 16 months old and impossible to control.
Take eating for example, before eating to three please four please; Have a meal to point, command mother to bring a variety of toys. Mom's a little off the mark, and the kid starts crying.
Even if the toys are brought over, the child sometimes ungrateful, directly climb down the dining chair, the mother can only chase after the back even coax and cheat, until finally no, take out the mace, "Wait for your father to come back, I tell your father to go!"
The helpless parent, who can do all he can to satisfy this child, never makes the effort to establish principles. And habitually ceded that responsibility to someone else.
In this way, they don't have to take responsibility and can say with confidence that the child is difficult to take care of, I can not manage.
In essence, this is a sign of laziness and a fear of responsibility.
4, control type
Friends every day to help the child do everything, the child is now 10 years old, do not need to do housework, every day food to the front, help him choose good clothes, match good color, really don't need to worry about anything.
The friend said, this life really does not have what good picture, so hard hope the child can be good. So every time the child's grades are not good, she is particularly sad.
This is typically controlled in the name of "love".
With this kind of coddling, we often hear, "How can you honor your mother? For whom does mother work so hard?"
The essence of controlling coddling is the expression of the imbalance of parents' inner anxiety.
Their love for their children, in fact, is only to relieve their own inner anxiety, and once the child's behavior does not meet their needs, it becomes an "indictment."
Seeing this, some of my friends will probably take it personally and feel as if they have fallen into the pit of "coddling".
It's natural to think, well, what's the solution?
The solution to coddling is never to give your child no more love, but to learn to love truly.
So what is true love for children?
Love is a kind of ability, have the ability to love people, first need to love themselves, the heart is full, independent personality.
A big river is never worried about watering a little stream will "flood"; On the contrary, there are only a few drops of water in an empty cup, so before pouring out, you must think twice, fear and worry.
Therefore, parents should first complete their own hearts. They can realize their own growth through themselves, accept their unfinished regrets, and realize their independence.
They do not need children to complete their growth, to make up for their regrets through children, and even to regard children as part of "themselves".
Please parents, remind yourself that we have lovers, friends and lives, and that our children will be too. We all have many friends in our life, but children only have one mother or father. It is the parents' responsibility to guide them properly.
Guilt parents need to understand that everyone is "themselves" first, then different roles. Children are there to enrich our roles, not to replace them all.
Allowing children to see us shifting between roles, even struggling, is better for self-building and understanding of intimate relationships.
Helpless parents, tell yourself that parenting is a "special skill" that needs to be learned. You can learn slowly, you can ask for help, but you can't be lazy.
Don't cede your parental responsibilities to others in the name of not being able to handle them. The most afraid of parenting is not to do wrong, but not to do.
Controlling parents, take a break from parenting and straighten yourself out first. Think about your anxiety and ask a few "why's" questions to get to the real source.
At this time, you will find that it is not the children who are not good enough, but you are not good enough, so you might as well change yourself first, accept yourself, and then parenting.
The easiest way to judge "love" or "doting" is to say, when you love a child, are we happy in balance?
What healthy love brings is psychological pleasure.
And when you feel afraid, confused, or conflicted, then it's time to stop and see: do you really love your child, or do you use the name of "love" to satisfy your own inner lack?
I often have these four questions for self-examination and share them with you:
1. What are my principles for this matter?
2. Can I tell the difference between loving the person and not loving the behavior?
3. What are the top three sources of self-worth in my life, and are there other sources of achievement than just children?
4. Can I understand that my children's achievements are not my achievements, or at least not the source of all my achievements?
Inner fullness, three views firm, self-evaluation of the parents, no matter how love, will not be "spoiled".
When you are afraid and confused, take a break from parenting and start loving yourself. Wake up your inner child and have a good conversation.
Spoil, never love more; It's the lack of love from our own inner child.
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