My Comments as a Teacher Disqualify Me from Substituting

It wasn’t long after I retired that a teacher friend, called to ask if I would substitute for him. My exact words announced my reception to the idea, “I would rather crawl through glass naked.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I loved teaching, enjoyed the kids, and felt rewarded. But the invitation to walk into somebody else’s classroom with students I did not know sounded painful. During my 30 years of teaching, I pretty much had seen it all and that chapter of my life closed the day I received my first retirement check.

However, as I thought about substituting, I began daydreaming about the possibilities. I thought about the comments I had always wanted to say to disrespectful students. Visions of students’ mouths hanging agape at a sarcastic retort made me laugh. The knowledge that nobody could fire me offered a safety net that made me chuckle. When I mentioned to my wife that maybe I could sub, she quickly squelched the idea.

I have never been good at censoring my thoughts and often blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Brenda, my wife, forced me to examine reality, when she began asking me how I would respond to students' annoying behaviors.

Though I laughed at my quick wit, I realized, my answers were not daydreams of what I could say but reflections of what I had said while teaching. I had to admit to myself and now the world what I had never documented before.

What the hell! I am retired so here goes. I hear the truth can set you free and laughter is the best medicine.

Brenda: What would you say when a student walks into the classroom tardy, and nonchalantly sits down with the grace of a buffalo?

Me: I would welcome her, “Glad you could make it, but the extra beauty sleep is not working for you. Go home and get some more rest.” (Yes, I said that out loud.)

Brenda started keeping score. -1

Brenda: What would you say to the first student who asks, “Are we doing anything today?”

Me: “We are going to eat pizza; I was just going to order it with a side of strippers.” (Yep, said it.)

Shaking her head, Brenda wrote. -2

Brenda: How would you respond if a student asked to retake a test?

Me: I would answer, “You can’t fix stupid.”

Her smile faded. -3

Brenda: What would you say if a student forgot their book and asked to go to their locker - even after you posted a reminder announcing books were needed? (She knows me too well!)

Me: “Well, you are not smart enough to read the sign on the door so I don’t expect you will find much success with the book. Don’t bother.” (Now, that was a quick response. Not bad.)

My wife made a heavy breathing sound; I am not sure if she suppressed a laugh or a cry. (Maybe it was bad.) -4

Brenda: As a sub, if two boys stood up and started talking in the back of the room, what would you say?

Me: “Quit playing pocket pool and get to work.”

Her hand recorded -7.

When I pointed out she miscounted, she said that response deserved 3 negative points.

When a sinister grin appeared on her face, I braced for something difficult.

Brenda: “How would you react when a phone rings in class.”

She addressed my Achilles heel.

Me: “Do me a favor, will you? Tell your mom I’ll be coming over late tonight.” (Since I taught automotive, most of the students were male. Sexist? Maybe. However, they loved this response. My wife did not.)

And then, mostly to see my wife’s reaction, I explained the second time a phone rang in the same period (and one would), I’d calmly walk over to the student, confiscate the phone, pick up the largest, hardest object in the room and smash the phone into minuscule pieces. (Clarification, I did not do this but wanted to.)

She started adding by multiples of five. Brenda pointed out that since my response caused a negative double-digit score, maybe we should stop this game and simply resolve that me substituting is not a good idea. -12

I begged her to give me a couple more chances.

Brenda: If a young lady in the front row is dressed inappropriately, what would you do?

I wanted to begin my rant that there is no such thing as a dress code anymore in public education but stopped myself.

Me: “I would ask her if her mom knows she dresses like a hooker?”

Brenda’s eyes got big and she exclaimed a little louder than she meant to, “They might not be able to fire you but they might arrest you. We are done here.” -17

She left the room to prepare dinner. I remained sitting, thinking about interactions with students in the classroom. Then a memory flashed of a past experience - my moment of glory.

Several students stood talking about their tattoos. When I walked near, they asked if I knew where John’s new ink was on his body. They all looked towards his crotch.

My response, “No,” and then followed it up with the perfect line, “If you can’t do anything else with it, you might as well hang jewelry on it.”

I practically ran to the kitchen to share the latest memory. (Like I said, it was the perfect line.) We both laughed so hard we choked; however, when she caught her breath she picked up the pen and wrote -27. I guessed she'd started counting by 10s.