MERMAID'S POOL IS FROZEN

I am a mermaid. The ice is a metaphor for all the people who were stone hearted (in my life). Because my pool is frozen, I was surrounded only by ice. So, I found emotional support only through ice. But I also clawed these stone hearted people in hopes of flying away in a parachute. I wanted to fly away especially from my mom. She is not just stone hearted, but she is also a psychopath.

Before narrating my story, I want to narrate a short story. Imagine that Chris was raised by his cruel father. He brought (random) women home every day and forced Chris to kill and cook them. Chris was traumatized to the point where he didn't develop a wise mind. After his father died, the now adult Chris ventured into the outside world for the first time. He killed the very first woman he saw and got arrested. Everybody hated Chris for being a murderer. So, Chris never got a chance to grow up (or heal). Only I can empathize with Chris. I pity him. He was unhappy every single day of his life. It wasn't his fault that he murdered her. It was his father's fault.

My life is not much different from Chris's. Many children receive love from both their parents. Some at least receive love from one parent. Unfortunately, I never received love from either of my parents. In fact, I received hate from both my parents. As if that was not enough, I received hate from my aunt, grandmother, grandfather, stepfather, cousin, friend, college professor, neighbor, stranger, etc. From my teacher in school who threatened me that he would punish me in front of everybody to my ex-husband who told me that he would donkey kick me in my face, everybody was rude to me.

There are many twists and turns in my life. Nobody’s life is as mysterious as mine. It took me 31 years to figure out my life. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and autism. Childhood trauma survivors grow up thinking that all parents are just like theirs. I had to think outside the box to heal. I didn’t realize that I was traumatized until I was 29 years old.

Twist 1: My mom is a psychopath

Nobody knew that mom was torturing me at home. Outside home, she transforms herself into a very patient person. Only my father, stepfather, and grandparents knew that she was torturing me. My dad didn’t stop her. He hardly cared about anybody else but himself. My stepfather and grandmother were adding more fuel to the fire. They were very mean. My grandfather chose not to speak up. He was biased towards his daughter.

Twist 2: My dad is a narcissist

He likes to show his authority over others. For example: When I was 8 years old, a solicitor (who made a living by selling shaving kits) visited us. He tried to promote his business. Before he finished speaking, my dad yelled at our security guard to come upstairs. When he came upstairs, dad screamed, “Didn’t I ask you to not let these people ring my door?”. He was very rude. The salesman apologized to dad and left. I saw his face expressions. He was so sad.

My dad was a workaholic. He never cared about mom or me. He never even wanted me. He asked mom to abort me when she was pregnant. When I was 4 years old, I disturbed him while he was studying. He kicked me in my belly. I flew and fell (narrowly missing a concussion). I could turn to neither of my parents for emotional support. My emotional needs were never met. After arguing with mom, he used to not talk to me too. A normal father can never do that to his child.

Twist 3: I am an obsessive person

Because both my parents are cruel and selfish, I was cruel and selfish too. When I got 99% in mathematics, mom hit me. I was 10 years old. She hit me because of that renaming 1%. She is that greedy. I got into the habit of obsessively double checking my answers during exams. I was so scared of making mistakes. Children can survive strict parents, but they can’t survive unpredictable parents. I didn’t develop a wise mind either. Later, I realized that I obsessively talk about mom.

For example: When I thought that my SIM card was lost, I had a panic attack. I kept checking my bag and phone so obsessively that it attracted attention. People approached me and asked me what I was searching for. I told them about the SIM card. I soon found it in the corner of my phone case. If I instead used my wise mind, I wouldn’t have missed it the very first time searched for it.

Twist 4: My grandmother was a narcissist too

My grandmother was so angry with my dad when my parents divorced. She thought that he ruined her daughter’s life. She is also an obsessive person. She only saw my dad in me every time she saw my face. She kept saying mean things like “That son of a bitch left you with me”. I lived with my grandparents for 3 years. Every single day I went home from school, I dreaded facing her. What will you do when you are a defenseless child? You want to punch at the person who is being mean to you, but you can’t do it. I used to bend my head and not say a word every time she yelled at me. Sometimes I stood like a statue for half hour straight. My grandfather didn’t stop her. He was a coward. Imagine living a life where you are unapproachable at your own home? I used to find comfort only in a closed room.

Twist 5: My stepfather was a con man

My stepfather had a thing for married women. He is the most manipulative person I have ever come across in my life. He knew how to get any woman to fall head on heals for him. Mom was one of his victims. He gave her too much praise and attention. He used to leave roses on her scooter while she was at work. He told her that she was his goddess. A narcissist absolutely loves praise and attention. She fell for him. He told mom that he divorced his wife. She blindly believed every word he said.

She soon divorced my dad to marry him. She married him within 4 months after divorcing my dad. I was initially cold with him. Divorce and remarriage were new in my city at that time. I was already having a very hard time processing my parents' divorce. I wasn't ready for a stepfather yet. He should have understood that. But he instead told mom (about me) "She is exactly like her dad. She will eventually turn into a people hater". She believed him. She loved him and hated me.

I was angry with him. I was once rude to him. She was very angry (hyper angry) with me. She didn't sleep the entire night. She kept waking me up occasionally to yell at me. In the morning, as soon as she saw me, she slapped me. She was all shaky and bouncy. Her face was red. That entire night, she was obsessively thinking about hurting me. As soon as I opened my eyes, all her pent-up anger multiplied in magnitude. She couldn't stop herself anymore. After slapping me, she yelled at me for 5 minutes straight. She screamed, “You are a poisonous insect. You don't have the right to hurt a pristine man like him". Imagine having to put up with this every day.

He knew how to get the other person to do what he wanted them to do. He never failed. For example: He never paid the toll while driving through the toll gate. Every single time he drove by, he told the gate keeper that he was a Roads & Buildings Engineer. The gate keeper used to trust him and let him go without charging him. If his goal was to make mom pity him, he would instantly cook up a sad story (like his mother's death, etc.). If his goal was to make mom hate me, he would instantly tell a convincing story. He knew how to use another person's insecurities to his advantage. He knew that mom hated dad and was insecure about me turning out like him. So, he told her that I was like my dad. It was all a game for him.

During that time, I couldn’t focus on school at all. My grades were dropping. She is very materialistic. It was the end of the world for her. She was ashamed of me because of my poor academic performance. She was treating me like a criminal. Because he was her favorite person, she was badmouthing me to him. A normal mother can’t badmouth her own child to a stranger. He was adding more fuel to the fire. She believed him and further antagonized me. A normal mother will defend her child when someone puts her child down.

One fine day, he eloped with his first wife. He never even divorced her. Mom then got to know that he had been cheating on her the entire 4 years. He lived with his first wife (and later two infant children) in another city during the weekdays. He only visited mom during the weekends. He convinced mom that he would relocate soon. Remember, he is a con man. He managed to convince her for 4 years. Mom was absolutely devastated. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Unable to see her in tears (while working), the people at her work volunteered to do her work for her. She cried nonstop for one month. Not even once did I feel an ounce of pity for her. I was instead very happy to see her cry. May be, I would have pitied her if she apologized to me.

She did several horrible things to me because of him. She didn't even stop him when he called me "ugly". A normal mother will be very upset when somebody calls her child "ugly". Mom is a monster. She once tricked me into going to a railway station. At the station, she suddenly told me that my stepfather would give us a ride (in his car). I felt heartbroken. I was lied to. She then dragged me into his car as soon as he arrived. I felt like I was being kidnapped. She never apologized to me for the things she did to me. She never apologized to me for calling me a poisonous insect.

Do you know what's funny? She was instead expecting me to pity her. Can you ever expect pity from the person whom you torture? She is brainless. I don’t know what he even accomplished in those 4 years. Was he trying to get a mother to hate her own daughter? He succeeded in that.

Twist 6: The more I aged, the more mom tortured me

As the syllabus increased each year, mom’s anxiety too increased accordingly. From my 7th grade, she pretty much imprisoned me with books. She used to watch my every move like a hawk. She used to yell at me even when I talked about different topics that were unrelated to academics. She expected me to obsess about academics. Can you imagine imprisoning yourself with books and talking only about academics with your mom? Is it even possible to live like that?

Not only did she imprison me with books (while she was watching), but she also doubted if I was studying during the time she was at work. For example: She didn't believe me when I told her that I spent my pocket money on buying two ice creams. She firmly believed that I spent the money on watching a movie (and hence wasted my time by not studying). She threatened me that she would go check on it. I didn't stop her. So, she went to the store to verify the cost of ice cream.

I was 17 years old at that time. A normal mother doesn't behave this way even with a 4-year-old child. Most importantly, why was her first thought about movies? When she wasn't trusting me anyways, why wasn't she thinking that I spent the money on buying a new dress, or a book, etc.? That was because of her desperation for my academic performance. For any amount of friction, she overly antagonizes me. Only a psychopath can antagonize their own children this excessively.

Even when she felt that I did stay home (when she was at work), she still felt that I was simply staring at my books. She was thinking that I wasn’t concentrating while studying. If you want to antagonize a person, you will instantly find a thousand reasons to hate them. People can be that judgmental. A normal mother will think, “I am not even letting my daughter take a bathroom break. This is not fair. I should let her take a break from studying at least once a week (if not every day)". But my mom wasn't even thinking that I sacrificed my life for her. She was instead thinking that I wasn’t paying attention while studying. Why on earth would anyone want to stare at their books for hours together? Mom is horrible.

I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. I couldn’t say what I wanted to talk. I couldn’t even defend myself. She won't trust me.

Twist 7: My dad started loving mom again

I was hopeful that my dad would get me out of my misery. But unfortunately, he took mom’s side. For 5 years, my dad didn’t contact me or mom. But he came back to my life after my stepfather left. In that time, he strongly felt that being a workaholic was wrong. He idealized mom. He regretted divorcing her. On top of that (during their divorce), he called everybody in the telephone directory and told them that mom cheated on him. Because he badmouthed mom, he felt guilty. Guilt and regret caused him to love mom again. Though I was telling him that she tortured me every day, he wasn’t able to empathize with me. Yes, my dad who was tortured by the very same person couldn’t empathize with me. I felt backstabbed.

Twist 8: I am autistic

I could have done better (academically) if I was not autistic. Having autism didn't help me with my grades at all. I was diagnosed with autism in 2022. I didn’t even know that I was autistic till I was 31. I am very good at certain difficult tasks and very bad at some simple tasks. My eye contact is overly intense or missing. I am brutally honest and persevere. I overthink. I can’t study if I don’t understand at a deeper level. I studied only physics in my 12th grade. I didn’t have time to study the other subjects. I was able to understand physics at a deeper level. For example: In a weekly test, I got 98% in physics, 3% in mathematics, and 6% in chemistry.

However, to get away from mom in a parachute, I needed a degree. My plan was to go abroad after my bachelors degree. So, I studied so hard during my bachelors. I didn't sleep for several days before my exams. I finally could get a degree in mathematics. I flew abroad for my masters. I thought that my dream came true. I thought that I found my parachute.

Twist 9:

Though I was not living with mom in the same house, she still ruled my mind. I had constant racing thoughts. I was obsessively talking about her with others. It felt like I never even left her.

Twist 10: Mom tortured my grandmother everyday too

6 years after I left, my grandmother died. Unlike other twists, this is a good one. After I left, mom lived with my grandparents. She kept yelling at my grandmother each and every minute. She was mom's new victim. Three days before her death, my grandmother snitched to both my aunts that my mom told her, “I am waiting for you to die. I don’t even want to call you 'mom'”.

By then, my oldest cousin noticed that mom was toxic with my grandmother. She apologized to me for not believing me earlier. It was only when she validated my feelings that I could slowly make sense of my life. I then compared myself with my grandmother. I realized that I could have been damaged in my early childhood. I was 29 years old when I realized that I was traumatized.

Twist 11: I finally found my parachute

The real parachute was not the plane that I flew in. The real parachute was MY ABILITY TO NOT FEEL VICTIMISED ANYMORE. After I realized that I was traumatized, I spent two years working on myself. I was desperate to heal. I tried to think outside the box as much as I could. The solution was right there. I should stop talking about mom. By constantly talking about mom, I am perpetrating the victim mindset. For example, I tortured my oldest cousin for snitching about me. Because of her, mom got to know that I hate her. So, I never let go and constantly made her feel very guilty long after she apologized to me. I am stuck in my trauma (and anger). So, I am perpetrating the victim mindset on others.

I stopped talking about mom. As desired, that had a butterfly effect. Instead of feeling victimized, I took my time and learnt to do my office work independently. I now excel at my work. I have been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now. I also have an infant daughter with him.

I still get sucked into my traumatized state of mind (at least for 30 minutes each day). But I catch myself easily and not let myself feed into the thoughts. I am glad to break the cycle. Else, I will traumatize my daughter too.