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defining recovery

how i stay sober one day at a time...

By Author shall remain namelessPublished 2 years ago 16 min read
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defining recovery
Photo by Adam Thomas on Unsplash

“Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering, NOTHING. Not career, not wealth, not intelligence and certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity. “

Audrey Hepburn

The statistics are shocking, and the numbers only continue to worsen. 92k+ people lost their lives to addiction in 2020. Overdoses and relapses are up by 30% across the US. From less than 20k deaths a year in 1999 to today where average deaths now surpass 100k annually. From something completely preventable, how so, you ask? I just so happen to have a few suggestions and ideas I’d love to share with you along the way! (Awareness, Acknowledgment, Acceptance, Action.) Because that is the ultimate question, right? HOW do we do it? The war on drugs was an epic failure, why? Approach and execution but that’s another show. Here in America, our lives are saturated in the idea that a “good stiff drink” at the end of the day to take the “edge” off, is just what the doctor ordered. Well look at us now, alcohol and substance abuse effects just over 11% of Americans. That is 27.5M people. There are 183 countries in the world with that equivalent population or less. Could you imagine entire countries under the influence? What kind of contribution to humanity would that be? Chances are you have witnessed or have been affected by someone that abuses substances or alcohol, shops too much, gambles themselves into crippling debt, participates in unsafe or unhealthy relationship practices, the list goes on and this person might even be you. There is no judgment here, only support and solutions. Inversely though there is 20.5M people in recovery and the membership is growing globally on a daily basis. When I say membership, I do not mean we all meet up and work out together or wear matching uniforms. What I mean is there is a sense of love, acceptance and tolerance that can’t be matched when you encounter a recovered individual working a strong program. But how do they GET that way? First and most important; you have to be aware of/admit to/or acknowledge your actions; do you even realize how you “show up” in the world or that WHAT you do affects not just you but those around you. And when you show up HOW do you show up? We all have that person in our life that tends be the “Debbie Downer or the Pessimistic Patty” sometimes they are aware of this affect and others are oblivious. Either way, knowing that you are the only one in control of you starts with awareness. Nothing and no one can MAKE you do or FEEL anything, they might “trigger or incite” an emotional reaction but no person or thing controls you. Now…. If that’s true, why can’t we stop drinking or stay stopped? We got wired differently, plain and simple. The neurological and physiological effect, produced by alcohol and drugs/extreme-excitement & the subsequential let down/thrill seeking, etc. has on certain people; is comprised of many components but you have to have the correct recipe. Meaning it is a special blend of circumstances that create addiction. Other factors include mental illness, dual-dependency (2 or more substances regularly), societal, cultural, economic, underlying medical issues and so on. (DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional and always recommend seeking advice from a legitimate and reliable medical professional concerning anything as such.) So… how does one figure out that recovery might be for them? Well, I have some questions you can ask yourself aloud or in silence; whichever is most comfortable to you. This is meant to be educational, informative and helpful. You alone can decide whether you need further treatment or assistance. I am here to help however I can.

These require Y/N answers, no need to dive in just yet. Examining the issue requires non-judgment in order to be most effective. Be truthful with yourself, honesty is truly the best policy EVEN if it stirs up uncomfortable, icky feelings. That’s our bodies way of confirming something is wrong internally. Deep down you already know the answers because this life is yours and yours alone, I am here to guide, support and offer as much as I’ve learned in these past 4.5 years because you are NOT alone, you CAN get sober, you CAN recover a sense of self that you might not have known existed or you may just re-connect with your true self and experience renewed contentment. It works and I am proof.

Here we go:

Do you ever drink/spend/worry, etc. more than you intended to or maybe more than you planned for the night/event/gathering?

Failed to fulfill personal or professional obligations? i.e. pick up the kids, miss a project deadline, cancel a lunch with a friend for fear of unwanted attention

Continue usage even when the negative affects are visible to self and others?

Put yourself in dangerous situations? Disregarding consequences?

What about your tolerance level? Does it seem to increase over time?

Cravings? Ever get them, don’t feel better until you satisfy it?

Have you lost interest in the social aspect of life? Do you isolate? Do you drink/party solo? Do you hide?

Mood swings, short temper have you noticed changes in your behavior before, during and after using?

Thoughts, are you able to let an idea go if it’s not in your best interest?

Setting limits? Only during the weekend, never at home, only wine/beer no hard stuff, etc.

Has anyone ever joked around that you might need help? Or you yourself thought it?

Been arrested or jailed for public intoxication or causing a ruckus😉?

Missed work/events/holidays with friends and family?

Question behaviors/actions the next morning? i.e. drunk texting, withdrawing $ from ATMs, etc.

Turned down opportunities because it would conflict with your free time?

Refrained from pursuing goals/dreams/ambitions because of fear?

Convinced yourself you don’t deserve happiness based on your past?

Feel or think you’re unlovable and will be alone for a lifetime?

Avoid “feeling” emotions/detachment or extreme emotional outburst for seemingly no reason?

The point of these questions is to SELF- identify (as is the only way possible) to say whether or not we have a negative relationship with drugs & alcohol to the point of needing to address it once and for all. If you or someone you know is dealing with active abuse or struggling in recovery this show is for you. If you’re a family member that wants to educate themselves on how to help their loved one, this is for you. Are you a concerned co-worker that wants information on resources to help, this show is for you. What about treatment options, after-care and looking for housing beyond a structured environment? This is for you. What about the normal everyday activities we need to accomplish? This is for you. Do you need a general how to on banking/resumes/leases/car maintenance and legal direction? This is for you. I created Roads2Recovery because this is my way of giving back what was openly shared with me. Helping others find their road to contentment, inner peace and creating a better world for humanity. Made specifically with you in mind, by someone that shares a similar mind. I’ve heard many times it’s not a drinking problem I have, it is a thinking problem. So let’s journey together through my road so far and I will introduce you to some important people from that path and their effect on me and my recovery in general.

That being said this first episode deals with defining recovery along with identifying if you or someone you know could benefit from using the techniques I’ve learned so far. Who needs it? Why? What’s the point? Where does it happen? And the biggest mystery HOW does it work? Truth is there is no mystery, I have discovered there are so many ways or “roads” to get to the same place: happiness and peace of mind or what I think of as a “recovered state of being” and so here are the definitions of RECOVERY:

1) A return to a normal state of health, mind and strength

2) The action or process of regaining possession or control of something lost or stolen

Ok NOW that we have an idea if what recovery is, how does one go about turning awareness and acknowledgment into action for a sustainable length of time, optimally a life-long measure? I plan to introduce, educate and enlighten anyone watching to the many forms in which recovery can happen for people. All roads lead home and home is a state of serenity in your mind. I am going to share a quick run down of my personal experience, the strength it took to change and the hope I have today because I live a life that is truly fulfilling day in and day out. That’s not to say there aren’t ups, downs, and whirlwinds of chaos but today I can address those challenges head on with integrity, dignity and compassion for myself and whoever else is involved.

My Story:

My name is Amanda, I live in San Diego, Ca., I have one amazing sister and I also have one child; a teenage son that is entering high school in fall, my second child is a Scottish Terrier that has all the sass I did as a youngster and isn’t afraid to share her opinion with me vias snorts and grunts, I will also be turning 37 this year and I am in recovery from active alcoholism. Since January 7th, 2018 I have been recovering my life. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I was born to a non-religious set of parents that had no instructions on adulthood let alone raising another human being, they like many others carried unhealed, unprocessed trauma from their childhoods into parenthood and through no fault of their own created long- lasting damage to my emotional, psychological and spiritual development as a person. I say this not to shame or blame but to educate and hold accountable myself and those around me. I had choices to make in my environment as a child and without being able to properly process my inner world of emotions that reflected in the chaos that surrounded me in the forms of misbehaving, lying, cheating, hiding, as some say it was the perfect “make-up” for a troubled youth, which led into teenage years. Awesome right? Hormones raging and no clue how to cope = difficult years for me, my immediate family and our friends. This is the age that I began exploring everything I had been told NOT to do, because adults, what do they know. I was all about resistance as many young women find themselves at that age because womanhood is terrifying but remaining a child isn’t an option either. Despite all the things I knew and had experienced with my dad’s drinking it didn’t matter! It made me NOT feel the fear, the anxiety, sadness, I could finally escape! From childhood my mother told me, either me or my sister would end up just like my dad, a no-good drunk. But it would probably be me since I was so much like him, cut from the same cloth. Looking back her intention was not to have that happen but it did and here we are today. Alive and well, willing to share so some might find relief. So, armed with the idea I was the same as dear old dad, I tried different drinks and mixtures, and always went straight for the hard stuff, no beer/wine for me, but deep down I felt it was wrong, I didn’t like my dad when he drank yet I was perpetuating the same cycle since I didn’t think I had another choice and apparently neither did my mom. In my heart and soul, I knew it would be a long road back to the wholeness I came into the world with, IF I made it that far at all. Things really took a turn for the worst into my early 20’s. I had moved back and forth across the country and my drinking was only getting worse. I become a mother to a wonderful baby boy, first time parent alongside a man with his own issues and trauma that I had dated for about a month prior to becoming pregnant. Needless to say, we barely knew each other, yet created a magnificent human being together. However, I was full blown at this point and even the birth of this beautiful soul that was entrusted to me to love, care for and protect was not enough to make me stop drinking. I have made many mistakes in my life and caused much pain, but this is the lesson I learn most from and most often. My diseased brain concocted justifications and at 7months old I left my son with his dad so I could keep drinking, I was never used to actually facing consequences, I was a world class runner. Not long after that I graduated to a DUI with a GPA-or-BAC of 0.34- if you were to look it up, medically speaking for my height/age/weight- I should be dead. The tales are endless and the memories are pictorial reminders of where I was then and how far I’ve come today; it takes what it takes and for me it was NECESSARY that I kept on the insanity train to destruction for as many miles as I did and suffered so much for it, the silver lining is the ability to create this show, hold space for those who need it, comfort and support everyone with love, acceptance and tolerance in mind.

What changed? September of 2017 my dad came to visit me and we talked about me wanting something different for my life, I wasn’t ready. I was scared, I didn’t know who I was without booze. I had it every day, that was going to cut out a HUGE portion of my time, absolutely not…well 2017 going into 2018 my roommates ( you know who you are, I love you and thank you both deeply for your patience with me) told me I had to be out by the first of the year. I had nowhere to go and I ended up on a friends’ couch for a week until I could get into a residential treatment facility. I was ready, I couldn’t run anymore, I have run out of favors with friends, it was time for change. Research was tedious, I hated it because my friend was FORCING me to be accountable and do something about my drinking, but treatment with no insurance left my options were VERY limited. I decided to donate myself to the Salvation Army. Their residential, 6-month program is one of the most intense offered in San Diego/nationwide and I couldn’t be prouder to have curated my foundation within their walls. Thank you! But I turned 6 into 7 because I still needed to be in charge, I couldn’t surrender, I couldn’t take direction, I was resistant because my will and my way is best right? Well, that’s what got me here in the first place, so maybe listening to some people that had the calmness I craved wouldn’t be so bad. The stillness or serenity comes with practicing positive principles on a daily basis and doing your best. This is what recovery means to me. In 4.5 years I have been involved with the very recognizable AA & NA program, I have attended SMART meetings, meditation meetings, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions and many others. The best part of my program is that is compromised of ALL these solutions that have been successful for millions worldwide. There is often a lot of contempt prior to investigation when it comes to dealing with addiction and the people it ravages; we do not have MORAL issues, we do not WANT to harm ourselves or others and we most certainly DO NOT WANT TO DIE. Please set aside whatever you may think you know and be open-minded to what you see and hear on this show, remain willing to see a different perspective than your own, and for the sake of understanding not confrontation; be honest with yourself about your thoughts, feelings, fears and desires in your life as it current looks to you. With these 3 key principles we can begin to unravel the thread of chaos that eventually leads home to unconditional love for self and others. Gratitude is another huge factor in my daily reprieve, for so long I viewed the world with self-pity, and subjected myself and everyone around me to my dramatic, often exaggerated stories of perceived wrong-doings that had occurred in my life “against my will” Do any of you do this? Have you met someone like this? Emotional exhausting to be around and quite frankly you’re never really sure what kind of “mood” they will be in? yeah its no fun being or dealing with this type of person, but I didn’t realize that until I accepted every facet of my being, no one else would accept me either. The internal acceptance was what I was missing, I wanted so bad for others to tell me I would be ok, when in reality I needed to be looking into a mirror telling myself I was loved and accepted exactly as I am. I must first accept what and who I am in that very moment, all judgments and opinions tossed out. Now, depending on whether or not I approve of that Amanda in that aspect at that time, that will determine if I need to acknowledge a negative thought or behavior pattern. Following it up with ACTION. Just because I admit it and acknowledge an issue doesn’t mean it will magically solve itself, the work is required of you to “unlearn or re-wire that neurological pathway in your brain”. INTROSPECTION; Through deep emotional healing and continued work on myself in recovery I now have the power of CHOICE, the freedom to make a “seemingly good or bad” decision for myself and those in my life and think about its consequences BEFORE I do something silly, or detrimental to my life today. Freedom is so important that it is fought and died for, it doesn’t matter what it looks like to you but when you find it, you know you will go to any lengths to retain it. The difference I find most endearing is the motive, my motives are from love and acceptance whereas in addiction, you were worth nothing if you couldn’t do anything for me. The taker to the giver, oblivion to awareness, that is the gift recovery has given me and the reason I must share it. Its of no value hoarded away, like energy its best used in motion, so this information must circulate. Today is July 5th, the day after Independence day which for many this year did not feel free, for me I declared my intentions for the future with a kind of determination I’ve not felt in a long time. This show will help people, I will always help people when I can, where I can and truly hope you find it in your heart to help yourself.

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About the Creator

Author shall remain nameless

These words are meant to be read by anyone & everyone. I am writing for my own sanity, I am relinquishing years of guilt and shame that was uncalled for and undeserved. I am writing to free my soul.

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