Trump's Tongue

“You can’t say that it’s too strange”

The beginning of the universe began and ended with Trump’s tongue.

He takes the ballpoint pen, a prized family heirloom, and begins to sign the contract to unite all countries under one name. The pen fails halfway through; cameramen hold their breath, reporters lean closer. He gently taps the pen on his tongue, to lubricate it…

You see the world is a strange, wonderful, bizarre, and intricate reality. Nothing ever seems as it is, nothing will ever be as it is, and nothing is everything until it is something. Yes, Ewan.T, That is your quote. Reality changes as you read this; your perception of what is and isn’t moulds to different abstract kaleidoscopes with every impulse of information you receive. Sometimes your world explodes with colour, sometimes it’s grey with flecks of depressing dark green - people generally confine these concepts to the word ‘emotion’. Happiness makes you not want to die, and sadness sucks up all your energy; we’ve confused everyday shorthand language as an acceptable means to express ourselves.

But when you’ve sat down, when you finally have time to speak your thoughts, the shorthand way of saying things should no longer be common. Sadly, that’s the way it’s come to be.

Shorthand of Trump’s tongue: a weird slimy muscle he uses to do unspeakable and speakable actions. Really, if you’re sitting down and you’ve got the time, if you’re not dodging cars while crossing the road or at work. Somewhere safe. For example, reading this short story, I can explain the non-shorthand of ‘Trump’s tongue’.

It’s a lump of organised fundamental particles orchestrating the illusion of a tongue. Governed by laws of chemistry, physics, biology, and mathematics. That’s what Trump’s tongue really means. You could go even deeper, exploring every tier, level, and perception from every angle possible…but we, as people, are not interested in that, we’re interested in ourselves. This book, piece, movie. Whatever medium this thing becomes, is only successful when it relates to the reader.

Now, this is a story as to how the universe began with Trump’s tongue.

The universe is a made up word to describe everything that exists. How it began, and as I claim to know, is very very vague. The universe beginning could be a clicking moment in an artist’s career causing him to call everything from what he sees…The Universe.

In this context, how I have chosen to explain how the universe began and ended will be played by two popular volunteers from the physics sector.

Matter and antimatter.

When these two biscuits combine, they disappear as mass, emitting two gamma rays with the energy being equal to their mass. Hence the E=mc2 equation everybody pretends to know about. Unless you’re you, then you know what it means…because I just told you.

It turns out that the universe was born lopsided; there where not equal amounts of matter and antimatter produced. As of December 25th 2021, no one knows why either, so put down the phone. What the physicists don’t know that I do, is that the number is uneven because of Trump’s tongue battling with the concept of time. The corresponding antimatter particle has embedded itself within the ballpoint of that pen. Given that it’s a tiny particle, his tongue must hit precisely that place. He’s licked that pen multiple times over his years, and not once has he struck that spot.

At the tip of his tongue is the matter particle, the Romeo! This is the last pair, a forbidden marriage is about to occur.

This is the last ever matter to antimatter particle pairing that will ever occur, it will cause a chain reaction of matter to energy conversion which will ricochet down Trump’s oesophagus and rumble his stomach. He will touch the table; the table touches the floorboards which touch the concrete which touches the ground which touches the Earth. A domino-butterfly effect.

But he sneezed.

Coronavirus is a respiratory infection, so his nasal cavity is feeling a little sore from his recent recovery.

So, what happens next is very strange…the sneeze caused Romeo and Juliet to fling and break apart, and fling and break apart, and fling and-

They fluctuate! Bouncing off one another from irregular laws of conservation of momentum, they want to explode, combine, and ruin each other so badly. Yet the sneeze forbade them. The fluctuation grows so strong in intensity, it creates a singularity, sucking everything, the entire universe, into its hold.

Everything goes black. Keep in mind, they’re still fluctuating, they haven’t touched. There’s a catastrophe of heat, sparks, and galactic storms. Small as a marble, but a billion billion times heavier than the Earth. The singularity simmers like spinach in oil.

The fluctuation becomes a sinusoidal standing wave, orbiting nothing. It spirals and spirals, working itself up into a huge in-com-pre-hen-si-ble big bang.

Yes, The Big Bang.

You know the rest.