Protected Valkyrie ...

Someday she would not have to remind herself that the words and actions of her “friends” and the people who had hurt her had happened. She still did every day just to remind herself it wasn’t her fault, and it had all happened even if no one would even return an email and do the right thing. No one should not have to live with the things that happened to her and everyone should have listened and done something. They were things no one should ever be put through or forced to carry with them every day. That would always be the case. It would never change that it happened and everyone she trusted and loved had turned their back on her. Until someone listened she would always have to do it because it was what happened and continued to be. She hadn’t changed, she had been forced to see the uglist side of law enforcement, EMS and have no one that should be making sure it didn’t happen to anyone else or keep her from being afraid .

What had happened, been taken from her, almost three years of her life, her career, everything she loved, and everyone who did not make her crazy, sadly it just meant she had a good memory. She still held on to the best she knew, their apologies when no one who should be was, the brief moments of quiet despite often she filled it with memories of what had been before him. He still haunted her, even far enough away he couldn’t hurt her. His threats to her life, the threats to people she loved she had done everything she could to prevent from happening, and the threats of her biological father to kill people she could not stand but would not be a part of happening. She had two people she trusted, and any day without them left her in fear she would lose them. She wasn’t afraid of being alone, she was afraid someone would hurt her and she couldn’t protect herself, with no one doing anything to keep her from being hunted and protecting the people who shouldn't be protected- the dull, the ignorant and felonious.

At night, when she was unguarded she lulled herself to self with wonderings of what it would be like to be loved by a man again. One like she had always known, before the man who destroyed her life. She had a met a few here and there that she would wonder what it was like to be their girlfriend, in a grocery store, or in places she would go. They were not delusions but a peak into a world she had been cut off from.

She could remember where she meet them, what they had said that for a moment made her believe that men didn’t hurt woman. She was used to being held, being told I love you and it not being a way to get her to forgive things that are not forgivable. She was used to goodnight texts, and mornings of Waffle House and cuddling before errands.

Only once in her life before the ex, had a man she ever dated hurt her. Even then he wasn’t her boyfriend at that point and she had let being ignored when she told what was done to her go because she didn’t want the he said/ she said argument being pulled. She knew what was, and she took care of herself as she always had. She never expected it would happen and be a stranger, or to trust someone after it happened only to have her whole world destroyed for going to the man she trusted, who without reason wouldn’t even speak to hear. She needed someone she trusted and they one by one ignored her. She wasn’t asking for anything more than the help they had always given her, a friendly ear, some ideas about what to do to make sure she safe and not not terrorized by people who were supposed to help people. Which hadn't changed..

She had never been frozen out by anyone, never been attacked so brutally for so long. The warzone everyone else had created left her wondering when she got to have a say in things, when did her story get to be told, when did she get to not always be in fear. It should be the people who had done the wrong things, who had broken the law that were afraid not her.

Her memory was so good there wasn’t anything she couldn’t recall most of the time. What outfit she had been wearing when something happened where she bought something taken from her, not having anyone listen had only caused her to have to remind herself -which made other people a little crazy sometimes. She was just one of a kind and alone. Alone was okay when you felt safe, not so okay when you were afraid for your life and still trying to protect people who she loved even if they had turned into the exact opposite of what she knew them to be.

She held on to the memories she had of them, the sweet moments, calls and texts. The plans that had been made, what they wanted for her, nothing less than success, love and happy. Things she wanted for herself. She had long ago given up on getting to anyone she trusted or trusting anyone she came across..her walls were always high and now they were higher.

Then there was him. This light of normalcy, who would never know what she had been through, On some level because everyone ignored it, she had come to believe it was her fault- her fault for trying to leave the place that protected the people still threatening her, the people who had done the wrong thing. No one still protected her. She simply had been made afraid of everyone she trusted. She would never tell him what she had been through, because it hadn't mattered to anyone. She couldn't help but smile when he had a moment to say hi, and wonder what it was like to be His.

She had always had so many friends, and cheerleaders, she had been so loved and then somehow he she became the most attacked- from Police Chiefs, Mayors, lawyers, criminals, homeless people, mentally ill, felons. No one in her normal world where bad people went to jail no matter who they were, where she was not treated like she was a criminal, where had the people who loved her, and the life she had always known- She wasn't one of these people. She didn't belong to them, she belonged in courtrooms helping people, she belonged with people who could read something above Dick and Jane book and not surrounded by every form of ugly from the aggressive to the pretty covered faces covering ugly personalities.

She wanted her life back, her days filled with hearings and textbooks, home to curl up with her animals and phone calls from friends when she needed them. She didn't need her destiny written by people who didn't belong anywhere near her or couldn't understand the difference between a Certiorari or Mandamus Writ and could spell university, and preferable had attended one and graduated. She hadn't given up on that life but hope dwindled with each threat to her safety. She didn't need therapy- what had been done had been done and it could never be undone. She needed justice...