Why I Decided to End My “Perfect” Relationship
Sometimes open communication and mind-blowing sex are not enough reason to stay.
What makes a “perfect” relationship?
It depends on the person, of course. But I’d be willing to bet that, for many people, regular, no-strings, mind-blowing sex with a stunning Latin woman who neither expected nor wanted any form of long-term commitment would be near the top of the list.
And so, when I had exactly that, why did I decide to end it?
Open communication and mind-blowing sex
For ease of reading, we shall call this wonderful human “L”. I met L on a dating app in December, and we went on our first date in January. Meeting her for the first time, I was astounded by how attractive she was in person; petite, South American, with legs I couldn’t look away from.
As we talked, we obviously discussed the nature of our non-monogamy and what we were looking for. She made it clear that she and her husband made a point of keeping their “family” and “dating” lives separate. I would never be asked to meet their son or other family members, and they had an agreement that their family home was out of bounds for dates.
All of these conditions were fine by me. I was only just getting back into the dating game and wasn’t looking for anything “serious” at the time. And if this was going to be a relationship where certain escalations were not on the table, this was no problem.
And so, L and I entered into our relationship knowing exactly what it was. Casual, noncommittal fun. And boy, did we have fun. The sex was mind-blowing. Mind. Blowing. Partly, I think, because we knew what we wanted and were perfectly comfortable expressing our desires. We communicated openly and had no need to play any games with each other.
(Boy, does open and honest communication enhance a relationship to no end…)
So let’s summarise the situation. I was in a relationship with a sexy, passionate Latina. We were having regular, casual yet phenomenal sex. And there was no expectation or need to worry about “feelings”.
And then, six months into this seemingly ideal relationship, what did I do? I ended things.
So, why did I end a perfect relationship?
I can imagine that what I described just now was something a lot of people would consider a perfect relationship. Mind blowing sex with a stunning, South American women who wanted nothing more from me than that? What on earth was I thinking?
Because it had been six months, which meant it was time to assess my feelings.
The six month assessment
Back in my far-off youth, I was content to simply allow my relationships to grow without thinking. Things would grow naturally, I thought, and in my naiveté, I believed actively working on them was a sign something was wrong.
But with the wisdom of age, I’ve come to realise that active assessment of new relationships is not only useful, but necessary. It’s fine to throw yourself into something new and see what happens. But at a certain point, you need to step back and see where you are and whether or not you want to carry on.
I call this the Six-Month Assessment. That’s not a set timeframe. But from observing my own relationships and those of my friends, I’ve seen it’s always around the half-year point that people start thinking about the future of a relationship. This is when the New Relationship Energy starts to fade, you’re past the point where you can’t keep your hands off each other, and you can make a clear judgement on where things are heading.
I had to recognise and honour our boundaries
As amazing as my relationship with L was, it’s simply not what I’m looking for right now. When we began dating, the fact I would never be part of L’s life wasn’t a problem. But after six months, I had to face the fact her style of non-monogamy doesn’t gel with mine.
I’m very open about my polyamory. And I see being this way as my way of celebrating my lifestyle. I’m not saying L and her husband keeping things secret is wrong, only that I can’t live like that. I’m not expecting my partners to assign me a bedroom in their home or invite me to dinner with their parents, but I want to feel I’m part of their life rather than something separate from it.
Ultimately, I don’t feel comfortable in a relationship where I don’t feel my partner fully embraces me and my lifestyle.
Did I particularly want to end this relationship? No. I really liked L, and we were having a great time together. This was not an easy decision. But as much as I would have enjoyed letting it continue, I had to recognise and honour my boundaries.
Facing a no-fault separation
Polyamory is part of who I am. I celebrate it openly, and I don’t feel comfortable being part of a relationship where this openness is suppressed.
It’s important to remember that a partner doesn’t need to be doing anything “wrong” to cross one of your boundaries. L had done nothing to hurt me and had been clear about her situation from Day One. But I had to face the truth that something that hadn’t bothered me for a short-term relationship was more of a problem for something long-term.
She needed to keep her non-monogamy separate from her family. I need to be with people who are open about it. Neither of us was in the wrong. We simply couldn’t reconcile these differences.
Sometimes, a relationship needs to end for no good reason
There being nothing particularly wrong with a relationship isn’t a reason to end it. But it’s not a reason to prolong it, either.
My relationship with L was wonderful. We were having an amazing time, and the potential for that to continue. And it wasn’t like I had any better options to fall back on. Ending the relationship means I’m now 100% single.
But I had to be honest with myself. What we had, while seemingly perfect from a certain point of view, was not what I wanted. And if I was being honest, it made me a little uncomfortable. So I made a choice. The choice to admit that mind-blowing sex with a beautiful woman isn’t enough to maintain a long-term relationship that encroaches on your boundaries.
About the Creator
Blogging about polyamory, ethical-non-monogamy, mental health, and modern relationships | (He/Him) | thomashbrand.com | ko-fi.com/thomashbrand
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