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What Went Wrong When We Hooked Up With A Couple

by Thomas Brand about a month ago in Dating

We forgot the most important thing… more than once

When my partner and I decided we wanted to play with other couples, we didn’t know how it would go.

Once we’d made the decision, we began searching a few dating sites. And, eventually, we connected with another couple we both liked the look of. After chatting online and establishing that everyone was interested, we arranged to meet for dinner.

Dinner turned to drinks.

Drinks ended with our heading back to their place.

Where we forgot to actually have sex.

Why are we ethically non-monogamous anyway?

For the sex, right?

I mean, isn’t that this whole point of the endeavour? According to most of the negative comments I received on my articles, it is. They make it very clear I’m fooling myself, and the only reason polyamory was invented was as an excuse for sleeping around. These people seem so sure.

But here we were, hanging out with people we’d met online for the sole purpose of hooking up, and we had such a good time we didn’t even have sex.

So what the hell happened?

At this point in our relationship, my partner and I had only been seeing people separately.

It seems most couples play together first, but we went a different route. We wanted to explore on our own first. But as things developed, we decided we wanted to do more together and explore group play as a couple.

And we were excited! The idea of trying new things together, kinky, sexy things we’d never tried, was exciting. It also made us feel incredibly close to each other. Rather than this being an attempt to fix something broken, we were building on our foundations to reach new heights.

When we met this other couple — A (her) and Z (him) — everyone knew the deal. We’d met on a dating site exclusively focused on hookups. We’d openly discussed what we were looking for. We also knew that nothing was guaranteed. We still needed to see if we all clicked in person, and, as always, consent can be withdrawn at any time.

And in the end, we had a great night. The four of us hit it off, and it was clear early on that playing was definitely on the table. And, more than that, we all just got on. Which was why the evening went on as long as it did. When dinner finished, none of us wanted to go our separate ways, so we went out for drinks. Here we split into pairs — me with A and my partner with Z — while still staying as a foursome.

A and I hit it off straight away. She was a very sexy redhead with a casual, fun-loving attitude. As we got to know each other, it was very clear there was a metal attraction. And from what we could see, Z and my partner were having just as good a time.

At kicking out time, we were still going strong and so agreed to head back to their place. At this point, I think we all knew where this was heading.

But then it didn’t.

We’d been having such a great time just talking that we hadn’t realised how late it had got. We were all tired and agreed it was too late to start anything, so we called it a night and made plans to meet up again the following weekend.

When the same thing happened!

This time we went straight to theirs. We had takeaway, played a couple of board games to relax, and sat around and chatted. Then, as the sexual tension grew, we paired up…

…and suddenly realised it was past midnight and all of us were exhausted.

God damn it!

But here’s the thing. Neither my partner nor I were upset about the situation. Nor were we worried that A & Z weren’t interested in us. We’d been open in our communication throughout, and all made it clear the interest was there. And A and I had been messaging between dates. Messages that make it very clear we, at least, were interested.

So why weren’t we upset?

Because why would we be upset that we’d made two awesome new friends?

One of the biggest benefits of my journey into ethical non-monogamy is the friends I’ve made, not the sexual partners I’ve encountered. This is what a lot of people can’t get their heads around. Just because you might not have sex with someone doesn’t mean you didn’t make a connection.

There was a reason that twice now, despite the clear sexual attraction we all felt, we had twice lost ourselves just hanging out. It wasn’t because we were all too nervous or awkward. It wasn’t because anything felt wrong. It was because we were having too much fun.

The fact that we’d not had sex didn’t take anything away from this.

We got there eventually

In the end, third time was the charm.

When we made plans a third time, we made a big joke about how we’d kept failing at playing. But this time, when they arrived at our place, we — to put it rather unromantically — just got down to it.

Rather than risk losing track of time, it was more “Hi there, let me take your coats, does anyone want to drink, let me take you to the bedroom…

Sometimes, the direct method is the most effective.

And it was great. Nothing we got up to was lessened by our previous meet-ups.

And you know what? This isn’t the only time this has happened to me.

Years later, I was with a different partner, and we met with another couple with the intention of playing. But again, we lost track of time and had to run for the last train home! In this case, we never got around to anything sexy with these two. But what we have done is hang out multiple times as friends. And if that’s all we ever have from that relationship, I’m more than happy.

I don’t need sex to make a connection through ethical non-monogamy.

Hook-ups are great, but have you ever made a new friend...?

Sex is great. I’m not denying it.

Sex with multiple people. That’s great too. And more than a little exciting.

And yes, sex is a large part of what brought me into this life. And it’s definitely a factor when I look at potential new relationships.

But it’s not the be-all and end-all.

In the end, the biggest gift ethical non-monogamy has given me is the freedom to make connections that you might otherwise have been unable to embrace. To hang out with people without worrying if it’s “weird” to find them attractive. To spend time with someone without worrying if it’s acceptable to do so without your partner.

In the end, my partner and I had our first group experience with A & Z, just as we’d planned. It simply happened that this came with two preceding dates with new friends beforehand.

Dating

Thomas Brand

Blogging about polyamory, ethical-non-monogamy, mental health, and modern relationships | (He/Him) | thomashbrand.com | ko-fi.com/thomashbrand

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