Vibrant

Today my eyes are a particular shade of green. Emeralds set against blinding white marble veined with red. Rivers of blood flowing and snaking their way across the glassy stone. Framed with small soft feathers and rimmed in an irritated pink.

I laugh and they sparkle. I cry and they shine, polished.

I always look pretty when I cry. I am not bragging, it's just the truth.

Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why he likes to see my eyes gush with fear, sadness, and anger.

Just to see me irresistible. Or at least, this is how I justify it. Admitting the truth would be too raw in these moments. The thought sends my chest pounding and my limbs weak. My heart beats against my ribcage and threatens to explode into a million pieces. I push these thoughts down for my sanity.

My eyes dry, and with my nose shining like a Christmas bulb, he'd cup my face in his hands and kiss me. My forehead, cheekbones, nose, lips. The same dance we always did. He'd spoil me with empty promises. Messages in a glass bottle that would never reach shore.

Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry.

With my voice still trembling, I'd whisper I love you's and I forgive you's back, even though my soul knew better. An ache in my chest, a doubt in my head. Would this be the last time, or would he break his promises again?

One could only be a hopeless optimist.

Wanting nothing but peace after having weathered the storm, I'll choose to believe him again. Maybe for the last time.

The devil laughs in my ear.

I push him out before I begin to drown in the chaos, and grasp at the only hope his sweet promises bring me.

At least, for now, I could close my eyes and lay my head on his chest. I could drown out my doubts with the beating of his heart. Lull my exhausted mind and body into a deep sleep with the rising and falling of his chest. His firm body gives me assurance, and I melt into him as if he didn't just threaten to tear my mind apart.

Maybe he didn't mean it. Maybe I could have been better, done things differently, reacted less. Why did I always have to be that mad? He would ask.

Why did I always have to cry.

There was nothing more that I wanted to do but scream. He did this to me. But my mind is split. Torn with indecision. It was probably my fault, right? I could have been better.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The words whisper out of my mouth begging for forgiveness, and my brain spills out words that I do not mean. He strokes the top of my head and tells me it's okay. That we can just forget about it. That we can just love each other.

But is this really love? I hush that voice. The voice trying to stand up for myself.

I bury her deep inside. Chain her to a different reality, a reality I am not ready to accept. Gag her mouth and lock her in a place only a braver me could find.

Silent tears slip from my eyes, but I close them and calm my breathing and fall into a sleep so deep, reality seems like a dream.

But the calm never lasts forever.

I'll open my eyes again and be shuttled back into this loop. Love, jealousy, fear, hurt, anger. Always on edge, not knowing which emotion will take over him today. And he'll build me up just to tear me back apart. Ripping open the flood gates to spill another piece of my soul on the floor.

Just how he likes it.

My emerald eyes glistening, vibrant again.