Understanding Peter Pan Syndrome

In this blog, I will solely talk about how Peter Pan Syndrome affected me. Mom didn't stop baby-talking with me ever (even in adulthood). Either she baby-talks with me (mostly during early childhood) OR treats me like her enemy. Either way, I never had an adult conversation with her. She used to buy panties for me, pick clothes for me, not let me have the hairstyle I like (even in adulthood). She didn't have any boundaries with me. I was made to sit and study. So, in my comfort zone, I let someone else dominate me and will not have any boundaries with them. I traumatize myself to be in their good books. I see mom in them. That is the only life I know. My rational mind did not develop. I only spoke what she wanted to hear. I became manipulative just like her BECAUSE when I was honest, she ridiculed my feelings. I don't even know my real feelings anymore.

She always found a way to control me. She didn't let me talk to underperforming students, she didn't let me call my friend to wish her, she pounced on my phone to hear if it is a male voice, etc. She continues to control me in my head. Because she repeatedly tortured me by asking me the same question again and again, I didn't even know that it was wrong (or annoying). She could never take a "no" from me. So, I traumatize myself to do what she demands me to do. The only way I knew to get things done from others is to repeatedly follow up. Once my classmate yelled "you are asking the same question every 5 minutes".

Not just that, when someone gaslights me, I become nervous and automatically assume fault. Remember, all mom did was gaslighting me. I don't trust my feelings. So, I readily accept fault. I am a child trapped in an adult's body. I don't even know how to make a conversation. Because of Peter Pan Syndrome, I automatically assume that everybody loves me and pampers me. I am funny. But now I am coming in terms with the harsh reality that my conversations are not only self-centered BUT are very irritating.

People know immediately that I was being manipulative. When I decide that I want something, I traumatize myself to accomplish it (it is a learnt behavior from mom). In my traumatized state, I am manipulative. I wanted my ex-boyfriend back. I couldn't realize at that time that he didn't love me. So, I pretended to be drunk in front of his friends AND called him (expecting that they would talk to him out of pity). They knew that was being manipulative. I told you, I am a stupid child.

So, I pick one person at a time to dominate me. I won't have any boundaries with them and encourage co-dependence. I display the manipulative people pleasing behaviors. I sacrifice for them (fear of abandonment because of my Borderline Personality Disorder). In other words, I traumatize myself during any conversation. Remember, I don't know how to make adult conversations. When I want something from them, I smile way too much. I did that all my life with mom. Because I constantly feel guilty, I automatically assume that I am doing a mistake. So, I smile.

When mom was constantly abusing me, my tiny little body developed a defense to withstand the trauma. It put me in an invisible bubble. My mind tricked me into thinking that nobody could see or hear me when I am in my bubble. So, 'bubble' is my comfort zone. So, as soon as I get comfortable with a person (any gender), sooner or later, I go into my bubble. I want to be touched. I keep kissing them. I have no control over my impulses because of BPD. I get way too excited around them. During this phase, I want to "show-off" (like with mom) and expect them to pamper me. I had to "show-off" to mom either for praises OR for survival when she was faulting me.

My bad luck didn't stop there. Because of Peter Pan Syndrome, I also am sometimes demanding. I force them to do things for me. Mom used to give in when I asked her repeatedly. So, I become very PUSHY. Remember, whichever task is in my head, I traumatize myself to accomplish it. So, if I decide to go to a particular restaurant, I will force them to go ONLY to that restaurant. I repeatedly ask till they agree. I overly communicate my needs. I expect them to prioritize my needs over theirs. In short, I loose my self-awareness quickly in my comfort zone AND become selfish. Because of BPD, I have no control over my impulses. So, if I want something, I want it then and there.

Again, because of BPD, I assign them a role in my head (friend, boyfriend) and talk to them like they are already that person. These people wouldn't understand how I trust them so quickly. This all feels stupid now. I smile way too much, display manipulative people pleasing behavior, expect them to pamper me, make immature ("show off") conversations, be impulsive, be over friendly, pushy, and selfish. In other words, I traumatize myself and others. I learnt it the hard way that I should find happiness from within.

I went out for dinner with Lucy (my roommate) and Derek. I was overly excited. I was talking whatever nonsense was in my heart. I was repeatedly telling what we ate at IIIT while looking at the menu. I was not letting them talk. I was cross talking. I was "showing off" my grades that I worked so hard for. I was expecting them to pamper me. I was telling "only me, RET, TYR, YTU passed in all courses". I know, I am so stupid. On top of that, I didn't even ask a single question about them. I was so self-centered.

I loose my respect very quickly. Imagine not knowing how to speak like an adult. I guess the worst of all is "giving too many details". This is because I always thought that my life is so important for everybody (Peter Pan Syndrome). I was never happy in my childhood because of the trauma. I tried to work a way around the childhood trauma by unknowingly developing stupid defenses. These defenses (BPD) drove people away. Everybody called me "crazy". I am probably the only one in this entire world who has been unhappy since childhood. Everybody hates rejection. Nobody likes to be called "crazy".

It all started when I first told my cousin that I hate mom (when I was 16 years old). Nobody understands the intense sadness and trauma in my brain. It is not visible (like measles). Though my cousin contributed to my trauma by not believing me, I still wasn't convinced that my mother is NORMAL. As more and more traumatic incidents piled up with her, the MORE I wanted to run away from her. So, I kept motivating myself "after 12th grade, I will run away to some college far away". I put up with her way too much. I shouldn't have. I should have run away without leaving a note.

I lived with her the first year of college (in hopes that she would change after my 12th grade). Twice, I had to run into my room and bolt the door (she was running towards me). It was such a torture. I couldn't bear her anymore. So, I started living in the Ladies Hostel from my second year. She used to call and ask what I was doing. I told that I was in a mall with Mahati. The next day too, I truthfully told her that I was studying. She immediately yelled " you are roaming like a donkey. You are lying". She just finds a way to control me (either manipulatively or directly). She will still control me if I let her. Thankfully, I stopped talking to her since June, 2021.

Mahati's mother doesn't talk to her that way. She was so respectful and loving. Once Mahati heard mom ridiculing and yelling angrily "You have been texting all day today, didn't you?". I wasn't. But even if I was, why should she mock? Am I not a human being? Is it possible for anybody to not think about anything else BUT studying? Mahati told that she understood why I hate my mom so much. Mom was never happy with me (till now). She always wants more than what she has. She is very greedy. I shouldn't go to a mall. I shouldn't watch movies. I shouldn't have friends. I shouldn't have a boyfriend. I shouldn't eat at a restaurant. I should basically do nothing but stare at books. I was basically in a JAIL for my entire life with her. I don't even think she is happy with her life. Her two marriages ended in divorce. She finds ways to make herself and others miserable all the time.

After putting up with her till I graduated, I finally had my dream COME TRUE. I flew to America. But the racing thoughts never left me. I wanted to make friends but I didn't know how to make conversations. I was mostly alone and lonely. I only had one friend because we were doing homework together. He was just putting up with me. I don't think he liked me either. Who likes immature people?

Then I started working in New Hampshire after graduation. Same. I quickly lost respect. Once a coworker told that her son wanted to work after high school. I told her that he should go to college. She told that he is not listening. I told her again that he should go to college. She said "I can't force him" curtly. I should stop being repetitive. One coworker bullied me "it is so funny that I can't stop laughing". One coworker rudely said "I did not". I didn't realize till much later that I was expecting these people to pamper me. So, I lost my respect. I didn't know I had Peter Pan Syndrome.

Then I worked as a professor. Same. I was expecting the senior professors to pamper me. I was snitching about a disruptive student to my senior professor instead of dealing with him myself. She called and talked to him. I could have done that too. I went above and beyond to teach math well. Only 50% of the students liked me. I wasn't expecting my students to pamper me but I could have exhibited some annoying characteristic or the other. May be, I was overly detail oriented while teaching. Once they all laughed at me because of the way I pronounced "success".

Then I worked in Arizona. Same. I only had one friend. He sat next to me. He needed me to fix his code. I was unapproachable and anti-social. When there were company birthday parties, I was the only one who was alone. I have a pattern of being unstable. I did not work any job for more than 10 months. With my BPD, I get bored too quickly.

Then I worked in Kentucky. Same. I hardly had friends. Once, my roommate forgot to switch off the fan in her room. She already did that once. I should have just told her when she came back. But as I always encourage codependence, I need a person to dominate me. So, instead of her, I snitched to the main roommate who had all the bills in her name. She is also stupid. She called and told her. The one who forgot to switch off the fan got super pissed off at me. I can understand her feelings now. At work too, I was expecting my manager to pamper me. I was reaching out to her for trival tasks.

Every minute, I try to make myself better. But I am failing. Either BPD (fear of abandonment, impulsiveness) or Peter Pan Syndrome (immaturity, lacking boundaries, oversharing) show up constantly in my comfort zone. My bad luck didn't stop there. Because of PTSD, I have constant racing thoughts about mom. So, I never live in the present. Sometimes, while making conversations, I suddenly go back in my bubble and stop talking. I seem like a person who is always LOST.