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Roll with the punches

By TestPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
1

He spent time with me.

Finally.

Virtually, that is.

I love it when he talks with me.

He told me about football teams he likes.

Took forever for me to get out of bed laughing at his responses, he called a team a cult and the other a word I probably shouldn’t use here, but it was so funny.

I was honestly just reliving it all.

His unfiltered self is so funny.

He’s so funny. I’d kiss his whole face if I could.

His time and attention means so much to me.

His voice, presence, scent, everything about him… I miss him so much.

I wish it could be like that all the time.

I wish I could understand why he doesn’t want to get together.

I recognize that in a sense we’re starting from 0. You know?

My mind is clear enough that I understand we’re starting from 0. You know, like dating and hopefully with the intention of something more.

I’ve stated already my views on family/relationships/marriage/kids and so on.. I’m not a fling, I’ve never been. I’m sure he knows that.

Right now, I’m a tad pissed off, because 2 days ago a guyfriend messaged me asking what happened to my bio and I told him what happened. I’m not even sure he’s a guyfriend honestly. Maybe once upon a time he was.

Anyway, it’s been day 2 and he’s pushing to have coffee and/or tea and I’ve said no thank you in so many different ways that I feel like the only other way to go about this is to see him personally and pour coffee or tea (whatever) on his face. I can’t think of a nice way to say no anymore.

I’m so uncomfortable.

Getting good morning/good night messages. I didn’t ask for them.

My mind said, “let the games begin..” because I know this isn’t going to be the only guy who is going to treat me this way.

I’ve always hated dating, not being claimed, you know?

Doesn’t help that when I started the whole dating mess, I was trying to fill a void that now I understand, I was missing him.

My home.

Once upon a time, my bestie and I would pretend we were together when it came to creepy/pushy guys.

Can’t exactly do that anymore.

I wish he would claim me.

I wish he would make me his.

I feel like he would if he wanted, you know?

I’ve always wanted to belong to him.

It’s not like it’s appropriate for me to demand that, you know?

You can’t go to a guy you like/love/whatever and start demanding things. It has to come from him.

If you’re demanding things and he’s just obeying you, that’s not a relationship. At least not one that I’ve ever wanted.

I’m not sure what he’s planning, if he is planning anything like, maybe that’s why he’s keeping a distance?

Would really suck if he’s just being nice, like, given he knows about what I’ve gone through. And so, he’s being nice to not hurt my feelings? And if that’s why he isn’t “claiming” me.

I pray that is not the situation.

That would make me feel like the biggest loser, honestly. I’ve told him everything. I’ve opened up my entire life to him, including memories.

I noticed he deleted a picture that had a friend of his that I’d rather not talk about. But that made me smile. As if he chose me over him or at least that’s what it felt like to me.

I want to say he posted dishes not just randomly, but with me in mind? A girl can dream, right?

Just like I’m so convinced he started posting Pooh and Piglet because of us.

It’s why I love going through his posts/pictures.

Belonging to him would be such a fairytale to me, a dream.

Waking up to him would be such a dream.

There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing I can really say.

I’m not going to demand him to do anything. That’s awful.

It wouldn’t be genuine.

Everything he does is well thought, so I want to/choose to think that he’s planning something special. He’s never been one to rush anything, at least not with me.

Every time I had the opportunity to spend time with him, we were never rushing. There was no crazy anxiety. At least not with me. I’ve always felt safe and peace by his side.

He never stressed me out nor rushed me. I always admired him and I even remember moments when I caught him smiling in the car, I guess he saw I was staring at him. I tried to look away so fast. Whether it worked or didn’t.

I pray he does actually want me, you know?

I do wonder how long he is going to make me wait for us to hangout again.

I pray he does want to hangout again.

I pray he does actually want me.

I really won’t have to worry about creepy guys with him.

I highly doubt he’d leave me alone to experience that physically.

When we were together in public, he was always closeby.

Hugging him, seeing him more often (or daily) like we used to back when we went to school together would be so amazing to me.

He means so much to me.

I just didn’t want anyone else.

I didn’t want to get back on that downward spiral.

He makes me so happy.

His songs are so sincere.

He has been so considerate of me.

He is the man I’ve prayed for before I even knew what I was looking for.

This is not including the times I’ve prayed for him specifically. For his future.

The first time I ever prayed for him was when he was going on a Latin trip to Italy. I just felt tugs in my heart to pray for him. Always for his safety, happiness, and future.

I left the driver’s side..

He’s the only man I trust, besides my dad and my brother, so…

I guess the term is that I have to “roll with the punches?”

Dating
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