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This Is Why I Live in the Past

by Linda Sharp 2 months ago in Taboo / Teenage years / Secrets / Humanity / Friendship / Family / Childhood / Bad habits
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I don’t wanna die in this chapter of the history book

This Is Why I Live in the Past
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

It took me the entire summer to actually put this piece together, and find the courage to finish it.

In fact, I haven’t published many pieces in this publication as of late because I knew this piece would come next — it had to.

And after a series of —

  • multiple nervous breakdowns
  • two hospital visits
  • two trips to urgent care
  • two overdoses
  • an unknown psychosomatic illness
  • a budding alcohol addiction, and
  • three necessary losses
  • It was time.

I know this because this is a piece about finally saying hello to goodbye.

And it all began this summer.

It was on July 2nd of this year

On a two-hour walk home from the emergency room where I was diagnosed with yet another massive anxiety attack.

Learning it wasn’t something life-threatening was a relief. Knowing what was causing it and not having an answer for that was a different set of problems.

Regardless, I took a brief pause from the grief behind it to walk myself back home at 9:30 that night. As I started walking and blending into the night,

I turned on my radio app, felt the calm wash right over me, and knew it was time to begin drafting this article, once this song came on.

As the nostalgia washed over me I realized I live in the past because that’s when I enjoy it the most. This is when I gain my biggest appreciation for the gift of time when it’s already gone.

I’m usually too busy being busy in the present when it’s here; dealing with some trigger or stressor that prevents me from seizing the moment correctly. I always miss the moments when they’re gone.

I engaged in beautiful things with unforgettable people and I miss them all. We were all so young and full of youth. Those days are all gone and I fight not to lose sight of them, by not moving forward into the future.

This has become a detriment.

I know this but how do you do it? How do you let go of the past? How do you release that grip? How are you moving forward from all the golden days when the world is out to get us?

I’m only 28 and I feel aged by the world around me

I’m paying attention, as everyone around me continues “living” their lives like our lives haven’t changed irreversibly.

I feel like so many, too many, people think we all have more time than we do so they spend it worrying about things that don’t matter.

I wish we could rewind the time and go back to an era where we had the time to stress dumb shit. Because it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Where are we and what happened to our eras?

It was all so much better than the present and I feel like it’s unfair that I know what I know now when I could have used it to live a much better version of the past. Why do things only become clear in hindsight?

Let’s take it back a few years because, in hindsight, even the “bad” times weren’t really all that bad.

I can say this because I have successfully survived every single one of them. But I didn’t know I was gonna do that then. I either thought I was going to die or thought I was going to get my heart broken.

That, or I was waiting for some inevitability I saw coming all along? Bracing for what couldn’t be stopped and ignoring the little things.

This is how I made golden memories by accident.

The Past Really Wasn't So Bad

I have so many fond memories of moments I took for granted. I didn’t believe any one of you who told me that all good things come to an end.

And that was by choice.

I am defiantly against moving on because I want… so badly to be able to go back. I want to do my life all over again. I want that existent-less opportunity to do it right and I wanna do it with the wisdom I have now because I missed out on the spring of my life.

I wasted the blossoming of my body and life experience on distractions that were personally sent my way, in all forms. I did myself wrong. And I can’t reason with the truth at hand,

There absolutely is no turning back.

No matter what I do, no matter who I bargain with. God cannot do it, and the devil wouldn’t either. Time has left me behind as I wasted it.

I have not been alive for a very long time

By Ben Blennerhassett on Unsplash

I know this needs to change now before I waste any more precious time. I have lost enough looking behind me. But if I’m also being honest, it’s because I look at the road ahead of all of us and see nothing to look forward to.

I don’t like it here and I don’t wanna die in this chapter of the history book. I’m not suicidal I’m just really nostalgic. I wanna go back in time, I cannot help myself. I miss the social climate we used to live in.

I just wanna walk down one fucking street where people aren’t on their goddamn phones. I really wanna make living simple again. Yea, it was harder but it was easier. We were all happier then.

We cared back then, and we weren’t ashamed to do that. What the hell happened to us? How is this not breaking your heart?

How are we not breaking your heart?

If I told you the truth

If I really decided to be honest with every single one of you, I’d tell you that I can’t let it go. I just can’t, because I have not come to terms with the fact that the past is gone.

I would have never sacrificed my time, my years, my youth, and my beauty on men, people-pleasing, survival tactics, and hating myself — I would have fucking lived.

I would have given that little girl to live in the moment. I would have taken the chance to let her experience what it could have been like because she deserves that.

If I could do it all again, with the promise of the wisdom I have now… my God, I would have taken the chance to live. I would have done it so vividly, never missing a single moment.

I wasted so much time,

And now all the golden days are gone. Not only for me but for the world at large. Doesn’t it feel like a setup? Like all these toxic people came in just to make sure we wasted those precious moments of the past?

I’m so angry with myself because I could have actually lived in those moments. Now, I’m a recluse with PTSD who can’t even leave the house. Living with a dying parent, using this laptop as therapy.

This can’t be it.

I wasn’t supposed to live like this

People keep saying we’re all here for a reason but did anyone ever stop to wonder if it was even a good one? Because it seems all roads from here lead to death. For every single one of us.

So, although it’s completely foolish to wish for what we all had back, I can’t help it. I cannot help myself, because I don’t know how to do it and I don’t think I can. I can’t let go of what I used to know.

I have to let her go,

Nothing feels the same because nothing is the same, and my heart is completely broken. This is not what my twenties were supposed to be but I’m really sorry I just can’t let go of the past and although I know it’s not healthy,

Although I know that we’re not supposed to hold onto the past I don’t like where I see this world going. I just wanna go back in time and live there again. But it’s time to let her go, and I’ll get to it.

Someday, when I’m done remembering.

Because right now,

I’m still stuck in the past somewhere.

TabooTeenage yearsSecretsHumanityFriendshipFamilyChildhoodBad habits

About the author

Linda Sharp

Evil prevails only when good men write nothing — so write everything.

Write it all.

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