Things I’ve Learned From Spending 50 Days Sober

50 Days ago I decided to go sober. I decided that I deserved better for myself than the way I was living. I decided to elevate myself from the situations I’d often find myself in, purely from continuing to live in a way that facilitated toxic habits.

I was attached to low energy, consumed by low performance, and guided by low self esteem. I was scarred, broken, beaten, and I numbed every dark feeling with substance abuse as often as possible.

I wanted to escape myself, ignore every notion that I could possibly deserve more for myself after everything I’d already fucked up in my life.

This abuse of myself saw me out seshing every weekend, recovering for a couple days, then seshing again. Rinse and repeat. All with a smile on my face, of course.

I did have brief moments of myself cropping up in between, fleeting thoughts of writing, exercising, going sober, sorting myself out, maybe even achieving something… but they were quickly shut down by the voice in my head that told me it’s not worth the hassle.

“You’ll never stay sober. You’ll lose your friends and your life as you know it. Life is better this way. You don’t deserve to be happy. Stay alone where nobody can hurt you. Nobody can leave you. You can’t lose anything.”

This voice was uncontrollable, but my actions were not.

50 days ago I shifted into a new space. I started to focus on the things I could change right there and then, and at the top of that list was sobriety.

Did I believe I could do it? Nope. Did I believe anything would actually change? Nuh-uh. But with each passing day my ‘numbed voice’ got a little louder and harder to ignore. I started to feel things, like hope, and dreams, and even potential.

It’s impossible to concisely articulate how positive an impact that decision has had on my life, so here are just a few things I’ve learned from 50 days sober.

There Are Many Speed Bumps & Obstacles Along The Way

Like I mentioned above, at the beginning I didn’t believe I was worth anything. If I did, would I really have been treating myself the way I was?

And if you’re thinking of taking this on for yourself I promise you it gets better the further you go, but it’s not without struggle along the way.

You know that little voice in your head? It doesn’t scream at you, or torture you, or make itself known in the ways you would expect. It whispers, it creeps, it pretends to be you at the exact moment your defences are down. At every moment your defences are down.

“You just reached a full week sober!? Amazing, you know you can do it! Now do you really wanna be sober the rest of your life? Did you ever think this through fully and make some set parameters for how sober you want to be? Surely you can just moderate to occasions or the weekends like everybody else.”

You have to tell it no, and thats when the more obvious torture begins—like a stroppy teenager after they don’t get their own way. “Why do you have to be different to everyone else? You’re gonna lose all your friends. You miss the socialisation. How long are you REALLY gonna last anyway? What’s actually changing here? Nothing!”

It’s cruel to you. It’s hurtful. It’s LOUD! And you have to expect to get miserable. You have to be patient with yourself and allow it. Recognise it for what it is: the voice of the devil (if you like). Friendly, tempting, sneaky, volatile when challenged. It takes a toll. It hurts, sometimes physically. It’s tiring.

So go to sleep. Be miserable. Float between TV, wandering the house aimlessly, and attempting to be productive and failing, in a cyclical fashion until you’ve beaten it. You can try a few suggestions from 6 Things To Do Instead Of Drink if it helps.

Because you do eventually beat it, and from that victory you learn something. And your discipline gets stronger. And you fucking smile because you won! You actually won. You beat it! You passed another obstacle, and along the way you picked up more of that ‘hope’ and ‘belief’ stuff you often hear others speaking of.

You Have More Impact Than You Think

What if I told you that your actions ripple outward, radiating a positive or negative effect on everything around you, would that make sense?

Because I absolutely guarantee you that this is true, whether you can see it right now or not.

Here are a few things that have happened around me in 50 days of sobriety that are not by my direct action, but as a sort of collaborative ripple effect between my actions and theirs.

1: My brother came out for a run without prompting.

2: My best friend has gone sober and started training at the gym, which in turn encouraged me to join the gym!

3: My son spends more time here with me and the family.

4: Random people that know me have let me know that seeing my journey has inspired or encouraged them in some way to change elements of their lives.

5: Old friendships have been rekindled and strengthened, and have become extremely encouraging and supportive of my goals and dreams.

6: Rifts with family members have improved.

7: Issues with family friends brought about by past grievances have started to drift into the background.

8: These things then end up inspiring me to keep going!

I believe I’ve genuinely helped a few people in similar ways that they’ve then helped me.

I’ve had value to others outside of myself, by simply fixing up myself.

Me being sober helps my friend stay sober. Seeing my friend stay sober helps inspire me to stay sober. I’ve realised that physically witnessing change where you never thought you would is among the most encouraging and hopeful forces on this planet!

And people are seeing you, trust me. They do. And they don’t expect to see change, because if the truth’s known none of us do until it actually happens and reminds us it’s possible.

So believe me when I say you have impact on the world around you, because you do. There’s no telling how great or small, but it’s there. And you won’t see it until you get started.

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