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Sudden Peace

by Paige 5 months ago in Family
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Calm and Chaos

Sudden Peace
Photo by Jonny Caspari on Unsplash

A calming peace falls over her. For the first time in a long time she doesn't feel stressed or anxious. It's almost a nostalgic feeling, if that makes any sense. A feeling she hasn't felt since she was young, since she didn't have to stress about the world and life. It is all still so very odd though. She has every reason to be afraid, every reason to panic and cry. She has every reason to be anxious and stressed. She has no idea why she is so suddenly at ease.

Her bills, ever present and building. She owes so much but can't afford to pay. The holidays always break her but this time she wasn't recovering like she usually did. She lost her job last week. Her kids and herself have been sick and she unable to make it in on time. To many missed days they said. So now those bills are scarier and those due dates and missed payments are looming over her like the ever present shadows in the night. But still this sense of calm overwhelms her so suddenly. What does she do about the bills? What does she do about all this financial strain?

By Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Then there is the job itself. She searches and searches but her available skills and her children slim down her options. She can't lift heavy things. She can't work certain hours. She can't always do overtime. She has to be available for her children, for their school, for their health, for their happiness and hers. She can't work overnights though, because of the toll it takes on her mentally and physically. Finding suitable jobs has always been a struggle. She dreams of working from home but can't seem to get that to take off. So she continues to search for a job that won't call her back and then settle for jobs that never last. They say that the definition of insanity is when you do the same thing over and over hoping for new results but always getting the same outcome. She must truly be insane then because nothing ever changes. No matter how hard she tries at it, her heart is never there and so she fails completely. Always thinking she will do better the next time around.

Then there is the living situation. She is nearly 30 with growing boys of her own and yet she is right back with her parents. She didn't mind at first but now as the time marches on and she's still not improved, she grows depressed. She feels like a burden. She is a burden. She can't get government help because to much money is made in the household but yet they aren't surviving well because all the bills and lives surprise struggles take it all from them. So she struggles to help her family with their debts. She struggles to feed herself, making sure every penny goes to her kids and the bills she can pay.

She loves her family and is blessed to have them. All she wants to do is give back. All she wants is to make life easier for them, for everyone. She wants to pay off their trailer, move it onto their own land. She wants to pay off their loans and debts so they don't have to worry anymore. They have struggled their whole lives and she just wants to help them. They shouldn't have to struggle anymore. Her youngest brother got pushed out of his home and now lives on top of them all, with his girlfriend. He is such a good, kind person and didn't deserve for the mess that was thrown at him to happen. She wishes she could buy him a place too. She wishes she could buy her kids a good decent home, close to their school. She's promised them year after year that things will get better. But they always stay the same. She wants them to have their own rooms, decorated however they want. She wants to give them a yard to play in with a play set, maybe a club house type thing. She wants to help grow their dreams, sign them up for all the classes and learning experiences they want. She wants to give to those who need it. She wants to give to those who deserve it. She also wants to not have to struggle and stress about her own wellbeing at that of her families, as well.

Things are bad. They aren't great. She knows that others have it worse. She knows that there are people who have no home or food at all. She knows that there are families who have lost their homes and loved ones to the tornadoes, wildfires, and COVID outbreak. She knows there is pain and horror everywhere and she could have it much worse. Which also makes her feel overwhelmingly guilty and broken hearted. She would help those people to if she had a way. But... she is still broken up by her own failures and struggles. She wants so bad to give up. She wants so bad to just stop trying.

By JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash

But amongst all that, is the little bit of hope that she clings on to. She still keeps moving. She doesn't know if it's forward or backwards but she keeps on moving. For the sake of her children, she keeps on moving. She prays. She prays so hard and so often for change, for answers, for hope, and for wisdom. She prays that the good Lord above just give her soul peace and guidance. She is listening with open mind and open heart for whatever He has to say. Perhaps this is His hand at work. The sudden, nostalgic like peace that she has been feeling. Maybe there are big things in work for her that she just can't see yet. God has saved her before, from pain way worse than this. She knows his love and grace. She's experienced it before. Perhaps... she just needs to look a little closer. Listen a little better. She doesn't know. She isn't sure of anything anymore. So she prays. She grasps on to this new peaceful feeling and tries to have faith that the good Lord is working a miracle for her. Please be working a miracle for her.

Family

About the author

Paige

💖Trying to turn dreams into a reality.

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