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Shocked and Shamed

Sometimes silence is the most embarrassing feeling of all.

By Cheryl E PrestonPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Shocked and Shamed
Photo by Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash

The town where I grew up had a baseball diamond located about 2 blocks from my house. It was at the top right of what the white people referred to as Ni&&er hill. This is where all the black children for several generations would gather to play softball. I usually walked up to the ball diamond with a group of kids including my 2 brothers, their friends, girls from a nearby family and or my female cousins. One day I recalled that there was going to be a game but had no one to walk with me. My cousins were in the city visiting an aunt and I do not recall where my brothers were.

I did not feel like walking up the hill to see if any of the girls from that family wanted to walk with me so I went alone. As I neared the diamond I could see that a game was in progress. There was basically a group of older teens playing but I spotted several children my age who were involved. As I walked over to stand behind the fence where the home team sat, I spotted one of my distant cousins standing and waiting her turn at bat.

She was wearing a blue jean jacket and the name Sam Brown was written on the back. Sam was an older teen from a nearby town and I did not know my cousin was dating him. I walked over to her and stood and she glanced at me but turned back around. I noticed that 5 or 6 of the others looked my way and then ignored me as well. I was humiliated. No one say hi or asked if I were going to join in the game. I was ignored as if I were nothing and nobody.

By Wisnu Prayoga on Unsplash

In this moment my social anxiety kicked in big time. I noticed that all the other teens and preteens who were gathered were medium brown to dark chocolate complexioned and I alone was "high yellow." I was also the only girl who was flat chested and skinny. I was looking at girls aged 12 and 13 who were 34 and 36 B and C cups. I was a 32 A at 15. At that moment I felt like I was not 5 ft. 5 but about 6 feet tall and at 89lbs I felt as if I weighed only about 75. Suddenly my complexion seemed pale in comparison and my long shoulder length ponytail seemed odd and out of place with everyone else's hair that was shorter.

My cousin who was my age and her sister age 13 had long hair but they kept it up in high ponytails or buns. They were both a beautiful brown complexion and only about 5"2. Everything about me seemed to be so wrong and I felt ashamed that no one greeted me, I felt so awkward that I needed to do something to help myself feel better. I walked over to my cousin and pointed at her Jacket and said "Ooh, Sam Brown," She responded by mocking me, and in a cartoon like voice she replied: "Ooh Sam Brown, Ooh Sam Brown."

I was stunned and embarrassed as a few other girls turned towards me and snickered. I could not believe that all on my own without others around me I was being treated this way. I felt naked and exposed and I dropped my head, turned, and began walking home. Those 2 blocks was truly a walk of shame and it felt as if I was walking a mile. No one on that ball diamond had any idea of the trauma their actions had unleashed. I felt like and idiot, rejected and so alone.

I went into my house and looked in the mirror and all I saw was a cute girl. I then lay across the bed and cried. To this day I still have no idea what causes me to be rejected because it still continues. I do know that on that one day I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I hope that in sharing that others will not feel they are alone. My motto is that people have those they roll out the red carpet for and others for whom they pull the rug from underneath their feet.

Embarrassment
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About the Creator

Cheryl E Preston

Cheryl is a widow who enjoys writing about current events, soap spoilers and baby boomer nostalgia. Tips are greatly appreciated.

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