Confessions logo

She's Chasing Something She Already Had

by Chris Freyler 5 months ago in Dating
Report Story

She knew it, but wouldn't accept it

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

It happened. I was lied to again by the person I love and deeply care for. Many have asked me, is it, love? I believe it is, and yes, there is a toxic level to it. But through all the pain that she has caused me, I want to take hers away.

I know my reactions to her abuse hurt her, and I hate that feeling.

Now she is off in a new relationship, not three days after we just spent a week together. I knew she was talking to other men, and it was almost an uncomfortable acceptance of mine, a toxic acceptance. I know many don't understand it. But I bled the same way she bled. I was the fire, and she was the gas; we made the perfect flame.

I tried to show her I loved her and didn't need anyone else; I so desperately tried. I'd help her around her house, and I love to buy her clothes; I LOVED to dress her; I loved that the most. I would cook with her, I would hold her, I would kiss her, I would support her, I tried. My reactions to the uncertainties and lies were damaging, and I know that. But I can't make sense of the madness when you have a guy you say you love, but you have to have multiple more on the side if you two hit a speed bump.

After the lying about being married then all the other forms of deceit, there was no going back. I knew it, she knew it, that's who she was. That's her history. I fell in love with a mirror then flipped it to potential. Hell, maybe it is all trauma bond, and once I truly break free from her, I will see it; I hope I do. Because no matter what she did to me, I would always take her back and chase her down. I would always be there when she sent the text that it finally happened, "she's all alone." She knows what pulls at my heartstrings; she knows I will come running to try and save her, but not no more. I don't know what's real anymore after this past week.

I knew something was off, but she kept gaslighting me, telling me everything was fine. That was a lie. I spent four years with her on and off, and I 'Knew" her; I really knew her. I knew she was talking to others, but I held on to the potential that maybe she would see my worth, perhaps she would just commit, and we could make it work this time.

It happened again; she was cheating. She can't help herself. That's what I get for living love of potential and not reality. I always end up breaking up with reality but loving the potential. It's a sad ending.

We have beat each other to a pulp. We will resuscitate one another just enough, then suck the life out of another. All I wanted was honesty, and weirdly, she gave me "her" honesty, but I wouldn't accept what she was showing me. I wanted to believe in something else.

I can't chase the illusion anymore; it doesn't exist. And to keep chasing keeps me stuck in a miserable pit of anger and revenge. I want blood! But how can I wish that she won't admit it when we bleed the exact same pain, but I know she sees it?

So as she's off with this new guy, I know she will never laugh the same, I know she will never be held the same, I know she will never be kissed the same, I know it, I felt it. If all of that was a lie, then she is better than I thought, and her cheating was a blessing she was trying to show me all along. She was trying to show me who she was, and I wouldn't listen. I tried dating, and it didn't work. It didn't feel the same. I am sure it will in time, and that's what I will never understand her. She's had 3-4 other guys in our brief breaks, and none has worked, but she won't take a break and look at herself.

Unfortunately, I am forced to listen now. My mind, body, soul, and spirit can't take it. I hope she finds what she's looking for because I don't know what else I could have done differently.

It's my job to look at my issues and not hers. I have to let her go, but It's a struggle to do. If it was all deception, I never knew who she was then. And if that's the case, it hurts more than she will ever know.

I need to quit trying to save others and save myself before it's too late.


About the author

Chris Freyler

Mistake Maker Extraordinaire. Writing from a place I don’t understand at times. I write to help myself, in return hope it helps you. Just another Quora guy.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.