She's Chasing Something She Already Had
She knew it, but wouldn't accept it
It happened. I was lied to again by the person I love and deeply care for. Many have asked me, is it, love? I believe it is, and yes, there is a toxic level to it. But through all the pain that she has caused me, I want to take hers away.
I know my reactions to her abuse hurt her, and I hate that feeling.
Now she is off in a new relationship, not three days after we just spent a week together. I knew she was talking to other men, and it was almost an uncomfortable acceptance of mine, a toxic acceptance. I know many don't understand it. But I bled the same way she bled. I was the fire, and she was the gas; we made the perfect flame.
I tried to show her I loved her and didn't need anyone else; I so desperately tried. I'd help her around her house, and I love to buy her clothes; I LOVED to dress her; I loved that the most. I would cook with her, I would hold her, I would kiss her, I would support her, I tried. My reactions to the uncertainties and lies were damaging, and I know that. But I can't make sense of the madness when you have a guy you say you love, but you have to have multiple more on the side if you two hit a speed bump.
After the lying about being married then all the other forms of deceit, there was no going back. I knew it, she knew it, that's who she was. That's her history. I fell in love with a mirror then flipped it to potential. Hell, maybe it is all trauma bond, and once I truly break free from her, I will see it; I hope I do. Because no matter what she did to me, I would always take her back and chase her down. I would always be there when she sent the text that it finally happened, "she's all alone." She knows what pulls at my heartstrings; she knows I will come running to try and save her, but not no more. I don't know what's real anymore after this past week.
I knew something was off, but she kept gaslighting me, telling me everything was fine. That was a lie. I spent four years with her on and off, and I 'Knew" her; I really knew her. I knew she was talking to others, but I held on to the potential that maybe she would see my worth, perhaps she would just commit, and we could make it work this time.
It happened again; she was cheating. She can't help herself. That's what I get for living love of potential and not reality. I always end up breaking up with reality but loving the potential. It's a sad ending.
We have beat each other to a pulp. We will resuscitate one another just enough, then suck the life out of another. All I wanted was honesty, and weirdly, she gave me "her" honesty, but I wouldn't accept what she was showing me. I wanted to believe in something else.
I can't chase the illusion anymore; it doesn't exist. And to keep chasing keeps me stuck in a miserable pit of anger and revenge. I want blood! But how can I wish that she won't admit it when we bleed the exact same pain, but I know she sees it?
So as she's off with this new guy, I know she will never laugh the same, I know she will never be held the same, I know she will never be kissed the same, I know it, I felt it. If all of that was a lie, then she is better than I thought, and her cheating was a blessing she was trying to show me all along. She was trying to show me who she was, and I wouldn't listen. I tried dating, and it didn't work. It didn't feel the same. I am sure it will in time, and that's what I will never understand her. She's had 3-4 other guys in our brief breaks, and none has worked, but she won't take a break and look at herself.
Unfortunately, I am forced to listen now. My mind, body, soul, and spirit can't take it. I hope she finds what she's looking for because I don't know what else I could have done differently.
It's my job to look at my issues and not hers. I have to let her go, but It's a struggle to do. If it was all deception, I never knew who she was then. And if that's the case, it hurts more than she will ever know.
I need to quit trying to save others and save myself before it's too late.