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Self Healing

by Merjaunie Lena 9 months ago in Bad habits
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Found my way back

Self Healing
Photo by Kiran CK on Unsplash

For the past year I've been struggling so much with depression that I had become someone I didn't even know anymore. I disconnected myself from my family, and my friends. I didn't want to go out as much anymore I just didn't want to be around anyone. I isolated myself so much that my room was my comfort. I started sleeping a lot more than usual, and sometimes I wouldn't even make it out of my room. I had no motivation, no energy nothing. I had seemed to lost my way of who I used to be, and it has taken me a really long time to find my way back.

If I'm being honest I want to say that this depression has probably accumulated over the years. I've always suppressed my feelings, and never really was outspoken of how I was truly feeling because some things you just cant say to people's faces. All those emotions that haunted my mind was really eating me alive to the day I just snapped without even realizing it. Without even noticing it was my depression slowly making it's way out of me. All that hurt, and pain I have always carried around with my for years finally made it's way in the form of my depression. It started with not wanting to get out of bed, and not having energy to not even wanting to be around my own family. Some days I didn't even want to eat, and others I wanted to eat everything because it helped me feel better. Little did I know I was slowly losing myself, and who I was. Days turned into weeks of random cries, and wanting to hurt myself because I thought the world would be better off without me being a burden on everyone. Constantly repeating myself like a broken record of why I was feeling the way I was feeling, my reason just didn't seem valid, I didn't seem valid. I felt so lonely, but at the same time I wanted to be by myself because maybe that's what I needed to start doing in order to start healing.

I've always been the one to be there for others whenever they needed me, I always would put my feelings last just to be the comfort for the others who needed me. Slap on that smile just to be telling everyone else " I'm okay " when I really wasn't. How could I just admit I am depressed when I felt like my reasons of being depressed was so stupid, and if I said it out loud how dumb it would sound. I tried to cope with it, but it kept getting worse and worse. I tried telling myself that I wasn't depressed, but the more I kept telling myself that the less I believed it. This kind of thing has never really happened to me before so I wasn't familiar with it. It had gotten to the point where it was affecting me so bad I couldn't even keep a job. I just didn't want to get up, and so I wouldn't go because I just didn't want to see anyone or do anything. I went through 4 jobs last year, and that's not something I am proud to say. The more my family kept telling me to get help and see someone the more I would deny that I needed help. I didn't want to think anything was wrong with me, but I mean who does.

Slowly I started going to to the gym more and more, and I have to say it has helped me in ways to remember my self worth, and that I am important. If others are not able to see that then at least I see that in myself, and that is all that matters. It has reminded me to always love yourself and put yourself first because at the end of the day no one is going to love you more than yourself. Once I started to realize this, and that people we have in our life is just a want not a need. We want people in our lives but we don't need them. What we do need is to always be sure of ourselves first more than anyone or anything. I have finally admitted that I need help not only because I couldn't keep a job, but because I am tired of feeling like I am anything less than worthy. I want to get better for myself so I can be that woman I once was. I am taking my first steps into getting myself back, and so far it has been great feeling so unattached from the negative I carried around. I just wish I would of learned this all sooner rather than later, but hey better late than never right?

Bad habits

About the author

Merjaunie Lena

My public journal

You will feel like you know me personally by reading my journal or at least the emotions I've felt.

I write to express, and clear my head, it's my therapy.

It's not perfect, but nothing is

Thank you for reading!

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