Self-acceptance

There is no one to scrape you off the freshly painted cement ground when your own inner feelings of turmoil mixed with tornados are being churned and then planted onto the ground. Sometimes, it is best to simply breathe in and close your "window to your soul" or eyes and exhale the sewage of whatever you are feeling at the moment. As for me, the utmost trifling and tantalizing trauma was with the most recent findings in my cervix. Yes, I typed it and said it loud and clear as my moonstone; my cervix was diagnosed positive with abnormal cells or (HPV).

Throughout my battling years in the military and all of the uphills in physical exertions to my sexual trauma as well as all of my losses in dignity and self reliances; I was almost an empty shell of some fleshy meat suit in my 20's. Never had I worried or at least be fused with the threats of what my own body can and cannot do. I was oblivious to all of the unwritten marks and self-denial at the time.

My sexual health or education was foggy or best to be interpreted as non-existence since I grew up in a very strict and conservative family, consisting of my dad and whatever wives he introduced to us. There was no talk about our bodies or love or the "birds and bees" to be frank! In fact, the first love I was able to encounter was in the Military itself. So, my entire womanhood and self-image to the top 5 sexual experiences my body was exposed to didn't induce me to succumb to my knees in tears this time, in 2021.

All of the horrid mess of torn roofs and broken windows of houses and trailers in my mind derived from my last relationship in which I felt lied to and betrayed. Nothing seemed to come to light until that last person who invigorated my core to my soul to be so furious with fiery angry tears and somber sobs. Now, some of us know that not everything can be traced back to its source as Edmond Locard has once quoted " Every Contact Leaves a Trace."

There are these times in the life of timeless moments that our hearts wish that we could have drawn out our own swords and driven it into our hearts just so we don’t feel the aftermath of the piercings. This rises and redundant formations of the recycled chapters of how much inner work I must do is beyond reasonings or rhyme can produce. Tipping points of our breaking self inner peace residuals within us even though it may feel like our skin is the only safety net holding our sluggish self together.

After hours and bottles of red merlot and the pressures to upkeep my online classes ongoing and surprisingly getting a decent grade; I surrendered to have a video consult with the Seattle VA clinic for the melancholy and melodramatic news since the procedure is urgent and no one truly wants to admit that they are trembling and ashamed on the inside with uncertainties with two medical professionals. This was my final fall to be absolutely naked with myself and to maybe pay close and personal attention to my own vessel of my soul and the most vulnerable and fragile parts of womanhood.

Through only having less than five hours of good night rest and the immediate pressure of classwork and a mess of the mind and home; I just called my one and only gal veteran friend Sheila for emotional and moral support while she herself is dealing with her own pain. It fastens my own intuition that this time around, my judgment and innate beliefs were a good call, and being bare naked on the topics you don’t know about sometimes may save your life because there are things that we do not see and our bodies need us to accept and to love ourselves truly.

In essence, there are no caskets for blames as the deed is already done and gone and now, I just need to pick up the pieces to what I can salve and take good tender care of my body and never press self-hatred or self-harm as well as negativity phrases onto my physical and mental health.