Healing is not linear, often it is messy and leads you to confront with some aspects of your reality that you refuse to acknowledge.
I've been a people pleaser for as much as I can remember. Which is the majority of my life, I've always wanted to make myself useful to people. Not from the kindness of my heart, but because it was my firm belief that if I was in a way useful. I wouldn't be replaced, they would value me for my skills, and hopefully, just hopefully, they would ask me to stay because they love me.
This would lead me into places where I would find myself in situations where I would spread myself so thin. I would always say yes to what they asked me. Went above and beyond to please them and make them as comfortable as possible, and if the sentiment isn't reciprocated. I would grow to resent that person.
An entirely selfish view reflecting upon it now. A person isn't obligated to give you anything, their love, time, themselves. All because you went and did all those "nice" things for them. It wasn't because I was kind, it was because I wanted to do all these things so I could gain something from them.
It reminds me of the whole nice guy trope. He's sweet, kind, perfect on paper. A green flag, golden retriever sort of guy. He serenades the female lead and does everything he can so that he can be her only one. Giving her large bouquet of roses, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and being her shoulder to cry on. A beautiful and kind sweet man.
Then he morphs into a hideous monster the moment the girl doesn't choose him. Blaming her for everything and anything, and proclaiming how it was shitty of her to lead him on.
Nobody owes you anything, and the validation that you so desire from others will never fill the void that's clawing into your chest.
I am not a perfect person, I am still actively working on my issues, but it seems so hard and so hopeless. Every time I think I'm getting better, I fall back into old patterns that hold me back and keep me from emotionally maturing as a person.
I feel like a fraud every time I fall back. I understand I need to work hard to resolve these issues but it feels so frustrating when there are people that exist that don't have to deal with these issues. They're there, existing, no trauma just perfect.
I want to be a better person and hold my boundaries and not constantly seek validation all the time.
I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I don't want to blame others anymore for my problems, people have hurt me in the past but that is something that will always happen and for my growth, I need to accept that.
Not everyone thinks like me, not everyone feels like me, and nobody owes me the luxury of their time or affection nor do I have to earn their affection or time.
This whole cycle of craving validation from people, doing favors out of hopes they will reciprocate your effort even though they never asked is just purely embarrassing.
I am just me, I deserve to take up space, to live like a normal human being, and to not hold all this bitterness in my heart and constantly self-victimize myself.
I am me and I deserve to thrive in life.
(Just a little rant, I'm trying to consolidate my feelings here).