My remarkably real current situation

Remarkable: Unusual or surprising: likely to be noticed.

Real: Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.

Both definitions are courtesy of Mirriam Webster and when you put them together you have something unusual and surprising that really happened. Most people use the definitions in a manner to express something incredibly wonderful such as a remarkable piano performance or exceptional rendition of a song. My brain disects meanings and often shows me alternate ways to define words based on a literal take on what Mirriam Webster or popular culture says.

An example would be the phrase Spare the rod and spoil the child. These words have been defined as meaning to disciple your child you you will not spoil them. When my daughter was 15 she said that these wording actually states that you should go ahead and spare the rod and spoil the child. Ever since I have taken second and third looks at the way things are worded. So for this challenge I had already written a few stories about accepting myself and being remarkably me. Today, however, when the challenge came up when I logged in to Vocal an alternate reality came to mind.

Notablemente real (Spanish)

It is remarkably real that I am now a widow because my husband died on March 7, 2021. This is my current situation and it is both unusual and surprising. After having Michael Lynn Preston Sr. by my side for 45 years it is noticable to others that he is no longer with me. My sister in law said it looked strange to see me out and about by myself because we were always together. His spot to the right me in church is now empty and there is no way to not notice it. I have existed at this point for 9 months without my husband in my life and that is not imagined or supposed but very real.

Notavelmente real (Portuguese)

Yesterday a woman in a widows group shared the poem I wrote for my husband on Vocal shortly after he died. She said that she understood how I felt because she feels the same way. She added, however, that she has remarried but her first husband remains in her heart. It is real, factual and actual, that some widows grieve to the point that they remarry in an attempt to stop the pain yet admit their heart will always belong to their first love. I am encountering more widows with this viewpoint and I must accept that women respond differently when their spouse is deceased as they navigate the rest of their lives.

I cannot and should not hold others to the standard I have decided for myself but have done so. I was told that a cousin whose husband died a few years ago was seen with another man. I began to cry at the thought of her moving on from her spouse of 20 years but actually it was none of my business. In life people have different relationships but I was desiring to hear that all widows were grieving like me or those I knew who did not remarry after their husbands died. This remarkably real situation of mine had me putting all widows in the same box.

Remarquablement réel (French)

As long as I love Michael Lynn Preston Sr. and my heart is filled with him there is no room in the Inn for someone else. If I cannot give my whole heart I will give nothing at all. So in this moment in time, I am trying to accept the remarkably real current situation that I did not ask for but am living anyway. I am determined to no be offended when asked why I have not "moved on." It is a realty that this question will come up and I need to be able to handle it.

I cannot change the fact that Michael is gone and not coming back so Merriam Webster's definition makes perfect sense to me in my current situation. It is unusual and surprising for me to be alone after having Michael in my life for close to 5 decades. It feels so very unnatural but it is definitely and actually real.

Straordinariamente reale (Italian)

Yesterday our son bought me a new living room couch and loveseat. As he and his brother were taking it off the truck I recalled that the last time I moved their dad was helping them and I began to cry. I felt cheated that Michael was not here to enjoy this gift with me. I believe he is in a better place where he does not have to worry about furniture and bills. Even so, there is that small part of me that wishes he were still here with me.

He's gone and not coming back and that is real and true but my heart and my body still desire him and that is also a fact. As I am learning to be me in my new reality I am not surprised by death because I have gone to funerals and cemeteries since I was 5 years old. What is surprising, remarkable, unusual, and shocking is that I am a widow at 63 when I as expecting it to not happen for at least another 20 years. I expected a miracle for Michael and am shocked I did not receive it. This is real and true and I must deal with it.

When he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2012 my husband lost a lot of weight. I encouraged him to get on the scales so he would know where he was so we could pray effectively. When I met him he was 165 lbs. and on this day he was down to 114. To say I was alarmed was an understatement. We prayed together that God would do something before Michael was going, going, gone because a body cannot sustain life without weight. He gained 16 lbs back very rapidly without doing anything specific. (Miracle number 1).

Inashangaza halisi (Swahili)

He thought he was having an asthma attack one day in 2018 and when he got to the hospital they put an oxygen mask on him. He was breathing hard and his brother said he did not think Michael could make it much longer. The doctors were talking about incubating him as they determined he had a heart attack. Our son and I simply said "Jesus help us" and Michael began breathing normally with no need for a respirator. (Another miracle)

The doctors said he would need a defibrillator or pacemaker because his heart output fracture was down to 33. Michael told them he knew Jesus and the next report said his heart output had gone back to 65 which was normal. (Miracle 3) Next was a kidney infection in 2019 that raged for 4 weeks and this time the doctors, nurses, and home health aides said he was a miracle as what was written on paper indicated I should be a widow. (Miracle 4).

When the ophthalmologist saw a mass behind his left eye in 2020 we prayed that whatever it was would go away. When he was sent to a specialist the extensive tests revealed that whatever had been on the first results had disappeared. We dubbed him Miracle Michael at this point with number 5 but the miracles stopped.

Ifiyesi gidi (Yoruba)

The short version is he had a stroke and they found a blood clot in October 202o. The doctors said they could not give him the meds to bust the blood clots because of his other health issues and the fact that he did not get to the ER sooner. I just knew the blood clot would disappear as his other issues had but it did not. Michael later had a massive stroke and 5 months later he was gone. This time prayer did not yield a miracle and I was devastated as much about the unanswered prayer as I was his death.

I watched him slip away so silently and felt his fingers stiffen almost immediately. I knew right away that he was free and far away from his decaying body and I was only looking at a shell. I lifted his lids and saw that his eyeballs had flattened and all the life was gone from him and yet I had to refrain myself from screaming that there should have been one more miracle. "This is not real, it's not happening." I was saying on the inside but I knew all along that it was remarkably real.

Hijō ni Riaru (Japanese)

So here I am in a remarkably real situation of dealing with my husband's manner of death as well as the fact that he died. Even worse he had stopped taking his meds and I told him at least take his aspirin. One of the last things he said to me in the hospital is that he should have taken his aspirin. Knowing that he did not have to die the way he did adds to the pain. So I am trying each day to maneuver all of my emotions. I am not the first widow to feel this way and I will not be the last.

Even so, I am in my skin and as I write this it seems so unreal that I have existed without my spouse for 9 months. The truth is that it is very real, factual, and actual as well as remarkable and unusual that I am in this situation. I cannot change it but to say I accept it is a stretch. One breath at a time leads to one step at a time which turns into minutes, hours, days, weeks, and now 9 months. It will eventually turn into years and that's a scary thought.

I have always loived saying Merry Christmas in other languages and at times I will use Spanish or French phrases when emphasizing something to my family or more importantly to myself. I have added the words remarkably real in various tongues to give myself a point of focus. I will learn them all and when I begin feeling that my current situation is unreal, I will say one of them to remind myself that my remarkably real me is attempting to accept what I cannot change and deal with the issues that come each day.

It feels unusual to be a widow after having a partner for so long and it is surprising that this is my life now. It is devastating, unacceptable, and unnatural, and yet death is as natural as birth. Even so, the loss of my spouse remains remarkably real, It was surprising, and unusual for me, and is actually existing as his death occurred and is a fact. It is not imagined or supposed and no matter what language I say it in it remains true. So using "Remarkably real" in the usual context I am really and remarkably handling this as I head towards month 10. I am strong and I will make it because although my situation is real, I am wonderfully, remarkably, me.