My formal apology to a random sex worker.
Nighttime can be scary. Sometimes you're the scary one.
One winter I was in the small city of Brisbane where I'd just done a stand-up comedy show that finished late. As I walked back to my cheap, horrible hotel I decided was pretty hungry. At this point I'm elated, because my favourite burrito place is in Brisbane, so I decided to order a tasty bit of mexican food to be delivered to the hotel. The food delivery app says the food will be 20mins and then my phone goes flat. I plug my phone in to charge, and abandon everything else to fate. So I head out into the cool winter night to wait for my food. We don't really get any cooler weather in my home town so I'm chilling out, enjoying the cold and watching the steam on my breath dissipate into the night air.
Some time passes, it could have been ten minutes, it could have been an hour. I'll never know.
But when a car pulls into the cul-de-sac and a girl hops out and starts heading towards me, I'm thinking this has to be my food. I smile politely and she smiles back. As she's almost to me I realise she isn't carrying a large, paper delivery bag, just a handbag.
But it's late, I'm hungry and I've been drinking, so all of this means I'm incredibly stupid at this moment in time so think to myself. 'My burrito must be in her handbag'.
She makes a beeline for me, then as she encroaches on my personal space I think ‘wait what’ But it’s too late. I stand there like an idiot as this girl walks up to me, kisses me on the cheek, and says 'Hi I'm Maya'.
The guacamole drops as I realise that a pretty girl, introducing herself to a stranger at 1 am by kissing them on the cheek in front of a cheap hotel is not delivering tasty, handbag packaged burritos.
I awkwardly say "Uhh, Hi, I think you might be looking for someone else".
She seems confused but still confident she has the right person and asks "Oh, you’re out here waiting though, who are you waiting for?"
I reply "I'm waiting for the burrito."
Which I realise, now, years later made me sound like a God. Damn. Lunatic.
I could have said "I'm waiting for Ubereats" or "a food delivery" but no.
"I'm waiting for the burrito." no ‘a’ burrito. ‘The’ burrito.
Which at 1 am in front of a cheap hotel, in a big city would be terrifying to hear.
I might as well have said ‘I'm waiting for the burrito! He's magic, man-sized and grants wishes! I can see but no one else can when he comes stomping down the street, because for all you know I'm a crazy person. My teeth hurt! Your pants are yelling at me! Make them stop!"
Maya steps away awkwardly and apologises for the confusion and I respond in kind. She walks past me and makes a phone call, the only words I can make out from it are "Oh my god." Whether that is about her own embarrassment or because of the psychopath she just met I can’t discern.
A gentleman comes out of the hotel and Maya repeats the same introduction I received and they go inside together to do whatever strangers do in a hotel at 1 am.
My burrito arrives 10 minutes later. It was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if I didn't have the bitter taste of embarrassment lingering on my palate. Shout out to Maya, if you ever read this. I'm sorry if I freaked you out I was really tired and hungry.