Memories: 2 December 2021
Friends and neighbours sending me delight. Water lilies blossoming…letting go of the vestiges of my past.
2 December 2021
Surprised to See this comment from 2009. I only started studying shamanism two years ago, well, joined various groups and shared my experiences. I am not a Shaman. No idea what I am anymore. I left almost all the groups after fighting with various “shamans” about the swastika and their lack of empathy or even basic understanding about the Holocaust.
So I know I am still a Jew and will always fight for my people. (Even though my own community spent decades kicking me in the face and stabbing me in the back too!) but I will never allow antisemitism on my Watch. Nor stand by and ignore other bigotry either.
(2 December 2009)
I've decided today that I was born to be a Shaman but unfortunately I have only been a Sham so far, Shame, Man!
2 December 2020
3:30 am another sleepless night. Oh my. I hope I crash and burn soon. My eyes hurt! Too much going on in my head. But life is good. So I choose to embrace my current bout of hypomania.
Robyn, Peter and Ailsa invited me for a cup of tea and I could not stop blathering. I had to apologise as I barely give anyone a chance to respond when I am like this!
Robyn was very kind and said she enjoys how my mind takes all Sorts of lateral segues. Pete said he himself is a Mad scientist.
I told him being a Mad scientist is a good thing as it means he has extra neurons synapsing and can create great things!
Ailsa admired my hands which are swollen from the heat and my incessant activities. She said I had small hands and sorta stroked them in a motherly way. I replied that I have big hands and big feet as I am a Hobbit but what can I do but go on adventures without my personal Bilbo Baggins!
She showed me her 90 year old hands which were inflamed at the joints from Osteo-arthritis and I said I think my hands will be like hers in a few years time as the swelling under the skin I am getting is very weird!
When I left I had an urge to ask her for a hug. She shyly agreed. We hugged. It was lovely. I miss having a Mother I suppose. Although during my childhood my only real mother was my neighbour Mrs June Robertson. Her hugs were amazing!
I also stopped in at Margot’s place and we all Chatted (although I apologised for popping in just on dinner time) as time had gotten away from me as I have been so frenetically busy!
Margot gave me some sweet potato chips. Yum. So I just realised I have reverted to my childhood state where I would wander into people’s houses and be utterly spoiled with desserts or dinners or cups of tea and more importantly be accepted and adored for my peculiar quirky ways.
Life has brought me full circle! Which is very cute in a way!
Awake after about 4 hours sleep. But grateful for that rest at last. My brain has been on overdrive. Also my body relentlessly pushing itself like the Mustang Kwe I am.
Summer fever ...and it’s barely the beginning of Summer!
I hope today is less hypomanic and I move through it a bit more gently and serenely.
At 2 am it was so stifling hot that I went outside and lay in my hammock. I had my sarong on so I laid myself bare under the tree and fussed and mused. The possums came and climbed through the macadamia nut tree and into the golden rain tree and sat above my head, carefully watching me. They are like little wild pets now.
Mama Poss “Lily” studied me for some time.. Probably trying to work out why I was in her nightscape with my naked fat Hobbit body slung between worlds insomniacally writhing on my last exhausted but temporal nerve.
I soaked up her unconditional but prosaic love like a sponge at the bottom of an post-apocalyptic sun scorched ocean.
It was quite wonderful and blissful. The only awake human in my Sacred Space garden, with my trees and the possums and my stoic determination to thrive.
But Bobo decided that his Mama should not be outside alone so he set up a hue and a cry and as it was the middle of the night (and the mosquitoes had started to torpedo my flesh anyway...I reluctantly returned to my bed). Otherwise I might have fallen asleep in the hammock.
For one brief moment I had felt like Bathsheba bathing in the moonlight and was smugly relieved that there was no King David to lecher around me but we all know how that goes....
“Break the spell...” but my love runs deep and like a Mustang bolting out of the wolves den...I had my characteristic little aberration and wrote mad love texts and so...fell for the lure and made a damn fool of myself again.
But I was authentic. I was courageous and I was... factual.
Real love keeping it real even as my Charlie spits it out as a corn chip and my heart is just as salty and brittle.
C’est la vie. The Tanya rises again on her tippy toes of Fate! Too late, too late but she accepts her Plate.
The festive repast of the regurgitated past. A muse amusingly bemused by the heart’s strange and unforgotten Lustre (even amidst my sanguine but cantankerous bluster) which I sink like a stone in a pool of deepest most eternal love... and smile.
It’s just another wave of lost opportunity and regret, and a reminder of the sabotage and ancient curses.
Shake it off like a pearl diver’s dog and begin...again.
L’Chaim! To life! Onwards and upwards.
Young Harrison who is 12 not 14 appeared at my back door. I was fussing over something in my laundry, so got a bit of a fright!
He asked if the pictures on the street were free. I said “Yes, they are out there for anyone who wants them”. He said he wanted the one with the tulips and windmill to give to his Opa. I smiled. Perfect! The tulips are being rehomed with another “tulip”. Kismet.
I told him I did that tapestry when I was 9 years old so it is 46 years old. He was very impressed.
He took two other tapestries, as an early Christmas present for his grandmother. Sweet boy!
I told him gently that if they don’t like or want them to not get upset as they are very old and the frames need renovating and the tapestries need a good clean. I told him how to clean them with bran and an old stocking.
Since he ended up taking three of them, I offered to drive him home as it is too hot and cumbersome to carry them.
He tells me he would like to visit Germany and Holland. That is his background.
I tell him I am glad the tulips are going to his Dutch Opa as that is like keeping it in the “familia” as he is my friend. I smiled my wry smile.
Funny old world, innit?!
2 December 2013
4.36 am. Now in bed. Need to sleep before I visit the Russian Australian govt employed "little shop of horrors" dentist for some free but fucked up supermarket shit Dentistry.
I wish I had money so I didn't have to suffer the Systemic abuse reserved for the poor. Last time I saw her she ripped a tooth out cos it was cracked all the way through from years of my grinding on it (the glee on her face was ghastly but I allowed this to happen, beaten down by pain and discomfort).
Then weeks more of suffering cos I got a Dry Socket and after that awful experience I will never let her rip out another tooth. The pain was intense and QE 2 resented giving me a script for codeine which I needed.
So I have spent the night talking to my Paltalk pals and giving myself a pedicure and remaining calm.
Now to sleep to face the Hag of Odessa in the afternoon! Or Moscow or Kiev. Tragic thing is Russian dentists used to be among the best in the world. Oyyy, I have to get the class dumbie.
Oh well. Life goes on. I will be counting teeth in my sleep.
Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons
About the author
I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!