I wasn’t okay.. but, now I am

I’m not sure where I begin this confession, so I’m going to dive head first into it and hope it makes sense along the way.

My family have never been one for telling each other every little thing that happens in our lives. That’s not to say we’re not close, just that we prefer to keep some of our lives under wraps. We’re always there for each other should we be needed, but we just pick ourselves up and move on. I guess that’s why I’ve always just carried on going despite what life throws at you.

To say that April/May 2021 was a particularly difficult time in my life would be an understatement. I've experienced loss and heart break previously, but none so close to home. The real kicker was that the events took place within three weeks of each other. It felt like every new week I was presented with something new to deal with. None of this was helped by the pandemic and the uncertainty surrounding it and I think for everyone the last two/three years have been incredibly tough.

So, I'll start with the first piece of the story and that is ending my relationship of three and a half years. The girl I was with was superb, she truly was. We had difficult times and we both handled some things in ways we shouldn't have, but she had all the qualities you'd look for in a partner. Why did it end? I could feel myself spiraling due to the pandemic. I'd hit a rut in my career and wasn't enjoying life, and I could feel myself dragging her down with me. I described myself as an anchor that would simply prevent her from better things. It was the toughest decision I've ever made because she was my future, but I couldn't be her present or future. I ended it and decided to get my head down and try my hardest to improve myself.

The following days were hard, but I gave myself targets and put some plans into place. They didn't last as my whole family were rocked by the passing of my dad. It was only a week after my breakup. It was sudden to a point, he had a heart attack three years prior and that's something you can never truly recover from. He was happy and healthy up until the day he died, so yes it was out of the blue, but you knew the day was coming. What followed was my mum doing her best to handle grief, but also arranging the funeral of someone she's not been without for 40 years. To make the day of his passing even more emotional was the fact that it was their wedding anniversary.

No one can prepare you for the loss of a parent, and especially one you're close with. I didn't know grief like it. I'd lost some friends I'd picked up on life's journey, but no immediate family. As I stated previously, we're a small clan, but my mum had friends that were also like family to us. I wasn't sure where to turn, so all I could do was just be strong for my mum and sister. I had to be positive for them and I knew I wouldn't ever discuss how I feel so openly to them either, so I kept it all inside. As I always did, I put on a brave face and went to tackle the world again.

The following week, our family dog was then put down due to her overly aggressive nature. She was a violent dog, but we always had dad to protect her and us, without him she became even worse. It got to the point where we couldn't even walk around the house. She lived 14 good years, so it was still tough to lose her. However, we did have another dog who was the polar opposite of her. Without him, I'm not sure how we would've coped as he is such a ray of sunshine.

With all these events occurring within three weeks of each other, it was hard to come to terms with life itself. Having ended a relationship due to my spiraling mental health, I wasn't sure where I'd bounce back, if I even would ever bounce back. I almost had to pretend I was okay just to make it easier to face people. In work, with friends and with family, it was just easier to keep quiet and smile. Inside I felt empty and lacked any kind of passion for anything.

As I sit here and reflect on those few months that followed, I was in a truly terrible place and my confession to my mum is that I wasn't okay. I struggled, a lot. I made it seem like I was okay, but inside I felt like part of who I was simply died. I never told anyone this at the time as I never truly opened up to anyone. Obviously I discussed what happened with anyone I felt like I could share that with, but never spoke of how I really felt. At the time, I didn't want to do anything other than work and play some video games. All the ideas I had were slowly fading to memory, but I knew it had to stop somewhere.

So, I started a vocal account to try and rejuvenate my passion for writing and also start an account on TikTok that would put some of my gaming to a little bit of use. These things aren't huge, but they give me something to work at and try and show a little something for. Truthfully, it wasn't helping to begin with because I could myself just forcing it. There wasn't a natural desire to do it, but I kept at it and now I've got stories sitting in my drafts that I look forward to completing.

I know I'm not where I want to be yet, but I can honestly say, I'm okay. I'm telling myself to reflect at the end of this year to see how far I can get. That's a combination of stories I put out on here, the following I can gain from TikTok, my own personal fitness, how much I can start saving towards my financial goals and anything else along the way.

I know there will be more bumps along the road, as it's never straight and narrow, but I always take comfort from doing at least one thing every day that will help me. It could be as small as taking the dog for a walk or as big as submitting a story on here, but at the end of the day I can say to myself, yeah you've done good today. To encapsulate where my mind is at, I take small wins every day.

So, to my mum, if you ever read this, I'm okay now.