I Want to Die, So That I Can Live

I want to die, so I can live. It sounds strange I know but I have my reasons, and depending on your beliefs, death can signify re-birth; another chance in a new life. For those reading and do not know, I have Cerebral Palsy, and all my life I had the unfortunte pleasure of hearing heard the old ablesit remark of "Well you must have done something bad in your past life." You would have thought after 3500 years of ableism that people would come up with something new, but alas no-one is creative enough.

Anyway, this phrase bothers me. On the one hand I see why that idea exists, yet on the other hand I cannot think as to why someone would feel the need to say something like that to someone. How can someone go out of their way to make someone feel bad for something they haven't done, even if they did do something bad in a past life. Its wrong, uncalled for, and by saying something this, you're upholding the idea that disabled people are wrong, and should feel bad for existing; that we are such a burden.

However, recently, on a painful and agonising day that reduced me to tears, I had to stay in bed all day I kept thinking how I wanted to die so that I could be rid of this body, and not have to suffer in a prison of flesh and bones anymore. I thought I could come back as a raven, or a wolf, where I could roam freely for miles and miles and just live in the wild. To me, this sounds like bliss, how wonderful would that be? All I kept thinking to myself was how I want to die so that I can live.

But how can I explain this to someone who 1. doesn't have a disability, 2. doesn't feel or understand the pain I live with daily because of point 1. and 3. who may not believe in such things? Most people I know think death is sleep without dreams, and sleep is death without commitment. Either way, I do not fear death and I see it as a kindness, almost as if a strange acquaintance we happen to live with. This is just me and I kind wanna go to Valhalla, that's if coming back as a wolf isn't an option. Or better still a ghost, I have a lot of people I want to freak out.

*insert evil laugh here*

Nevertheless, this idea kept repeating in my mind, and I concluded that, if I apply this ableist logic, and be good in this life just for the sake of being a good person, a decent human being, then I can safely say at least I tried. Yes? And morally I am above people who say such things. I see no loss here.

The sad truth is as a disabled person, you just become accustomed to hearing ableist remarks every day, whether it's from people staring at you on the street, or watching a film. I was enjoying the chaos that is Wolf of Wall Street until the 'Cerebral Palsy Phase' scene, I switched it straight off. Not forgetting Trump mimicking a child with Cerebral Palsy, where were the woke warriors, the outrage then?

*crickets*

We always have to explain to people what our disability is and how it affects us. The best ones are 'you don't look disabled' and honestly, it boils my blood every single time I hear it. No matter how many times I do. Oh, and the insult 'spastic or spaz' is another - I mean the list goes on and on and on...and on.

In the U.K 1 in 5 people have a hidden disability, there are approximately 10 million people with a disability, and we have no voice. Britain couldn't handle the race conversation, let alone the disabled one. Ableism is and has always been rife, and I'm sick to death for being judged and looked down upon when I've lived more in my short life than some people have in a full one. In the U.K it is also euthanasia illegal under the Suicide Act 1961, and no I am not saying I'm going to book my one-way flight to Switzerland soon - no not at all. My life is just getting started, but it has made me think, that I should have the right to die, as I have the right to live. No? Or am I just crazy as well as disabled? I don't know - probably.

Reincarnation keeps me hopeful, and I kind of think it's a beautiful thing. It's an odd discussion to have because who thinks of this stuff? Death will come for us all and that's what should keep us humble, respectful and equals. Life is a gift that death will keep forever until that forever ends. I see bodies as vessels and nothing more, I see us as humans and nothing less. I cannot wait to be free, and 'When I Meet the Gods I will scream for I have a lot to say', and then beg them to send me back as a wolf.

That's what I am all about though, I want to have those uncomfortable conversations, and discuss things that need to be brought into the light. This is how we improve, change, and progress- together.

I can't wait to die, so I can live.