I am a "Side Chick"

A couple of years ago, I was about to do my routine evening weed smoke via a bong, when my mom texted and asked me to go to our residence's annual General Meeting. To keep the numbers up. So, my brother and I went because we are the occupants of the home.

Now, this meeting was boring as hell. They talked about nothing remotely important, community contests that no one cares about, and activities to do. As though any of us care.

But, while sitting there wondering if it's obvious that my makeup is half coming off, I look across and see someone. A guy from my junior high days, who spent a fair few math classes playing chicken or go with me. Among other people. He waves. I wave. Nothing happens.

He messages me, "it was funny seeing you the other night." We talk. A week or so later, we chat for a while and I start to feel those old sparks re-alight. He has to get back to his fiancee, and I have to get home.

Another bit goes by, and we're texting, nothing too special but as my mind is always dirty, it doesn't take much to get on the topic of sex. We're chatting, and he says that he wants something. I ask what?

To hear you moan in pleasure

I can't contain my smile at the forwardness and almost gape in the grocery store parking lot.

To move things along, he suggests hanging out. It takes a few tries, due to my mental health issues, but we hang out. While I'm sitting on his couch, every moment reminds me that I'm interested in him. His arms, voice, and confidence. He's mentioned us having sex before, but at first, I said I didn't want to be that person.

Which was true.

Then, he showed me his restraint system on the bed and offered me a try within them. I was curious about the restraints so I said yes. He tied me up and crawled over me, whilst I was completely clothed. He ran his fingers over my stomach and did some other fondling-like things.

This is where it started. You see, I'd been craving physical contact for years and had barely gotten a couple hugs. Probably by my own doing (and probably some daddy issues) but nonetheless, I was in NEED of some TLC. So when he did a simple like touching me...

Now, a while later, we've hung out and had sex many times. And I've been enjoying it.

But of course, the only problem is that he's cheating on his fiancee by doing this. Now, I met his fiancee once, and I don't know her at all. She's not my friend, I know her occupation and what is in her house. But I don't know her.

Sometimes I think about the fact that I've had sex in her bed, with her SO, and she has no idea. It's strange to think that.

Truthfully, I've never felt proud of this, and I always feel a minor sense of fear that she might find out one day. But at the same time, it was something I needed. The real truth is that this guy saved my life. Not in a Titanic (Jack) sense. But, I was craving physical contact, and he was the only guy I knew and trusted, that was also interested in f*cking me.

In reality, it's kind of sad. I know.

I have few social skills and often can't read the room never mind trying to have a relationship. Which seems fun until you realize that you'll actually have to leave your bubble to do it. Not easy when you have anxiety and don't like many people to begin with.

I was and still am to a degree, so desperate for a connection that I'm doing the deed with an engaged guy and worried about getting caught. But at the same time...

It's nice to have someone to buy outfits for. It's nice to be touched in a way that I genuinely want. Which is a newer experience for me, unfortunately. Along with those reasons, is the idea that we're sneaking around. Because we are.

It makes it a little extra hot that...well.

It's called Forbidden Fruit for a reason.