How My Life Has Changed After Becoming Vocal Famous
Who knew that celebrity life would be so all-consuming!
1) I no longer care for my family. I have more important things to do than menial tasks, such as providing a nurturing and safe environment for my children to grow up in. I have top stories to create!!!
2) I now wear a fedora everywhere I go. It makes me look casually sophisticated. So people know I'm an important person.
3) I dictate events on my phone that are happening in real-time.
Just yesterday, I was in line at the grocery store (yes, unfortunately, even Vocal celebrities must still stand in line at the grocery store), and this man was being a real fucking douche canoe to the cashier. I could have said something to stop the harassment, but instead, I was dictating into my phone, "and then the man, with the presumably tiny penis (not that there’s anything wrong with tiny penises if you know how to use them correctly), continued to berate the cashier for having to wear a mask in the store. Despite knowing full-well that the 17-year-old girl does not make these types of executive decisions."
4) I am no longer phased by internet trolls. I don't see YOU getting spotlighted, bitches!
5) I've embraced my raging narcissism. Clearly. For what kind of life would it be if we didn't walk all over those we love in order to better our own situation.
6) I have the confidence now to make pleas to my fiction writing friends, demanding that they write fictional stories about me.
So far, no takers.
7) I assume everyone is looking at me in awe when out and about. This morning, as I walked my dog, a woman came hobbling up to me, arms outstretched. I backed away quickly, worried that she was an obsessive fanatic of my work. This was going to be a Kathy Bates in Misery type situ, wasn’t it!? I thought frantically.
"No!" I said authoritatively, "I will not sign your breasts or whatever it is that you want me to autograph. Get out of here! Shoo, crazed fan, step away immediately!"
It turned out she needed assistance as she had rolled her ankle on her morning run.
8) Despite not receiving any increase in reads since my Vocal celebrity debut, I now have blind faith that one day soon, I will reach that fabled income of 6K per month. It’s coming. I know it is.
9) I’ve taken my newly donned duties of the Official Vocal Mascot extremely seriously. By this, I mean I keep tagging Vocal in Tweets, reminding them that I am the official Vocal mascot.
Neither of us still quite understand what this means.
Vocal continues to ignore my tweets.
10) I now believe that the minimum word count for articles does not apply to me due to my celebrity. So I’m currently at 450 words, and I’m going to submit this shit now.
Nope, it still applies.
11) Despite being a Vocal celebrity, I still find opportunities to humble myself. Which, in the end, is how all stars should act in public. I’m learning how to be a much-loved and revered celebrity. This is excellent practice for when I hit it big with my Netflix special that hasn’t yet been offered to me.
12) I’ve developed unwarranted confidence in my stories and now feel like I can say anything. Anything you guys. My husband and mother are not thrilled with this situation.
13) I no longer listen to the advice of my husband or mother.
14) I only write stories about being Vocal famous and/or my undying love for my writing group now. I literally cannot think of anything better to write. But because I’m Vocal famous, I feel like I will be able to get away with this lack of creativity because fame does that sort of thing. It creates beautiful vapid monsters that can’t talk about anything other than their own awesomeness.
15) I’ve begun using the word awesome, far more than I should.
Yeah, this is fine. I’m sure this is precisely what people want to read.
Lindsay Brown is a writer who sincerely apologizes for this listicle. It may be the worst listicle ever written in the history of listicles. And yet, she’s still going to publish it because she wants everyone to believe her when she shamelessly brags about being Vocal famous.
Again, deepest apologies.