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Help! Porn Pirates Have Invaded My Email

by Lindsay Rae Brown 9 days ago in Workplace

What a morning

Help! Porn Pirates Have Invaded My Email
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

The jarring ping of my email notification reminds me that I now have yet another porno subscription awaiting me in my inbox. You guys, there are SO MANY porn subscriptions in my inbox right now!

I know I sound excited about that, but the constant “Giant Dicks for For Your Big Butthole” subject lines are starting to make me feel deeply uncomfortable.

Things are looking grim.

I want to make it clear that I am not opposed to porn. I like porn. Albeit, the porn I fancy isn’t readily available. I don’t want to see women halfheartedly gobbling cock with a glazed-over this-is-my-life-now look in their eyes. Watching women sadly fake an orgasm isn’t a turn-on but most certainly something that dries me up like burnt toast.

Finding a good sex vid where the women seem actually to be enjoying themselves is the ultimate goal. And sadly, it’s an uphill battle. This is why lately, I prefer to seek out imaginatively written erotica on the internet and balance my phone in one hand while I read.

Ahem. TMI?

My point is, I think my email was hacked.

The weird thing is, Microsoft is saying that it wasn’t hacked. That these “spam” messages are simply par for the course. Since around 7 this morning, I began receiving subscription emails of all kinds hammering down upon my poor Hotmail account.

It wasn’t all porn. Some of the emails had to do with baseball card subscriptions. Some were hinting that I could use a weight loss supplement and that I should subscribe to their weekly newsletter immediately. Emails thanking me for donations I would absolutely never make to the conservative government were coming at me without a care in the world.

But in truth, most of it had to do with peni. And, in all honesty, I love seeing penises (please don’t send me any dick pics, that was a joke) but what concerned me was the sheer volume of penis-porn-related material wriggling its way into my inbox.

Side note: is it just me, or has the term “into my inbox” now drastically changed due to the context of this story?

I tried simply junking the mass emails as soon as they came in. But considering the rate at which I was receiving these notifications (one every ten seconds or so), that was proving to be unsustainable. Microsoft is not an easy company to get a hold of either.

Once I finally figured out how to get a live chat going with them, they couldn’t seem to understand what my problem was in the first place. Porn, you say? There’s no such thing as too much porn, Lindsay. You silly goose!

“There’s too many porn ads coming into my email!!!” I emphatically typed to Ben, the tech guy.

“Okay. Let’s get this figured out,” Ben replied, seemingly unfazed.

“No, seriously, I’m receiving like a ton of porn spam into my account! I’m actually a little frightened right now.”

“I can definitely help you with that. Here are a few ways to limit the spam that’s sent to your email address.”

“BEN! You’re not listening to me! I am getting porn slung at me at an alarming rate — there’s no way I can deal with this alone! I need you, Ben! I need you to help rid me of this porno pandemic!”

Usually, I try to limit the number of exclamation marks I place in my text; this, however, called for many exclamation marks. I hoped that it would get the dire nature of the situation across to my new pal, Ben, who was most likely a bot now that I think of it.

“Okay, I understand your frustration with this. I will submit a ticket to see what’s going on with your account. In the meantime, go through all of the messages that are coming in and block the users.”

And that’s when I accidentally X’d out of the chat session and started screaming at my stupid fat fingers for being so clumsy.

Ben the Bot came through for me, though. Moments later, through the jungle of porn and penis-related material, I did find a Microsoft Support Case had been opened for this porn overload issue of mine.

After spending a considerable amount of time blocking these emails, as well as changing my passwords and double-checking my bank account to make sure that I was still only $138 overdrawn, I found relief in the fact that the porn messages have slowed to a crawl. Also, I had no suspicious porn-related charges on my bank statement, so that was great news.

Now every time I hear my email notification, I fear it will be yet another message from Silvia Sex Kitten telling me how she wants to lick my entire body from head to toe. Instead, I find a rejection email from Slackjaw, and I find myself missing Silvia and the way she could make me feel so good about myself with her sexy talk.

As I finish up this article, I once again hear my email notification chiming. I try to remember if I’ve submitted any other pieces that are sure to be rejected but can’t think of any. I open up my Hotmail account and sigh.

LOOKING FOR LOCAL F*CKING? The ad reads.

I moan to myself, “No, I’m not,” while looking up the site to track down my pal, Ben the Bot, once more in order to get to the bottom of this sultry spam extravaganza.

***

Lindsay Brown is a writer who wants to assure Sally Frazer that she did not bring this porn predicament down upon me by placing my name on a Pornhub meme generator. Like most things, I probably did this to myself by clicking on something I really shouldn't be clicking on.

Read Sally's amazing article here:

Workplace
Lindsay Rae Brown
Lindsay Rae Brown
Read next: My Prom Story
Lindsay Rae Brown

Lindsay Brown is a freelance writer who loves to give people a chuckle with relatable stories about everyday life.

See all posts by Lindsay Rae Brown

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