Heavy

His ears, do they reach heaven?

His heart, does it do the same?

The way it feels when he’s present.

It just feels that way many times.

Today I wish so much could’ve been one of those times.

Going through all of these hard times without him has been so hard.

I had 3 things in mind for today and the first on the list was the most important.

After that went downhill, so did the other 2 and naturally my heart tightens in my chest. I didn’t want any more set backs. I just want to be free.

I pray he’s still waiting for me.

I miss him so much.

I miss everything about him.

I miss all of him.

There’s this saying I read, it says "I don’t need you to fix me. I need you to love me while I fix myself." This saying got me in such a way.

It’s very difficult trying to fit societies profile of a "independent" woman.

I was at an old friends birthday party last night and after explaining what was going on in my life, my guy friends shared their disappointments with women. Saying that after matching and going on dates, these women demand them to pay their bills and what not. Said they spend their money on themselves and even look to always wear designer. My heart goes out to them. They’re looking for life partners, not to be anyones walking bank accounts.

This scares me even more so, because on the flip side I have gal friends who say guys that match with them only want one thing and it’s like… What happened???

I’ve always pictured myself with a traditional, conservative masculine man. When I was a little girl I imagined he would be Brazilian (South American) and a soccer player who played guitar like my brother. I shake my head.

The man my heart is set on is North American. He’s southern, traditional, conservative and so masculine.

I’m not sure if he plays anything in terms of sports or instruments, but I’d love to find out. I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. I just couldn’t find it in my heart to.

These set backs scare me to my core, because I just didn’t want to run the risk of losing him. I just can’t afford to.

I miss our conversations. I miss him, his presence. My anxiety through the roof and tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so sure I would be with him by now. I just wanted to belong to him. I just wanted to love him. I just wanted to call him all of the sweetest names I’ve never given anyone else. I just wanted to make him happy. I just wanted to go home. He’s my home. He is the one I prayed for, for so many years.

His birthday again and I may not be with him. I just wanted us. My heart just feels so tight in my chest.

Hashem, I’m so sorry for not being as patient as You wanted me to be. I’m trying, I promise.

Please help me, he’s my blessing.

I just wanted this year to be different.

I just wanted to be with the man of my dreams.

The one You brought to me.

The one You sent to my rescue.

Those sweet daring blue eyes.

A smile I never want to forget.

The one You sent to bring life back into me.

I just didn’t see a way anymore, I was so lost Hashem.

You gave me purpose, love, life.

He is love to me, in all of its forms.

He is my whole heart.

Please help me to get through what feels like this roller coaster that doesn’t stop.

I don’t want to ride this roller coaster ever again.

I want him.

I want us.

I want peace.

I want the happiness you give me when he’s around. The same safety I feel.

I’m so blessed he isn’t Brazilian, that he isn’t a soccer player. Whether or not if he plays guitar, I really don’t care.

He’s my favorite dream, my fairytale.

He’s my knight in shining armor.

I pray he’s waiting for me Hashem.

I pray I’m worth the wait.

Life without him is so hard.

Please let me be worth the wait.

I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

When will I be with him?

When will I ever stop sobbing?

I just want us.